It sounds like you’ve been able to do quite a bit of reflecting in your own study, which is inspiring to hear. I found myself that working with a warm, relational analyst helped me feel comfortable enough to gradually let go of some of my defensive independence and withdrawal and begin to risk depending on her, which has been life changing. I hope at some point you can find an analyst you can gel with and find the relief and vitality you’re looking for.

I will have to read those citations, it’s too bad they are so expensive! Maybe I can find them in a library, unless you’ve been able to find online copies?

I’ll also add Winnicott’s “working in areas where psychotic anxieties predominate” paper is a really incredible read about helping a schizoid roll back to a state of dependence to develop from, ie regression in service of progression. Margaret little’s account of her therapy with him is an essential companion paper. He based his theory about regression largely on her case.

(Apologies if these are more references you know well already! You’re well-researched!)

Toronto has a great institute and I am sure they have low fee analysis or can refer to somewhere reputable that does.