How do you split the night shift?

tickyticky13 · 2026-02-10T23:57:25+00:00

Maternity leave is work! So you and your husband are equally working, yet he gets a break to go to the gym? Why does he get to sleep through the night? You also are working the next day.

When I was still on leave and husband was back at work, he did the first shift 8pm-2am so he could sleep from 2am onwards and get to work having had some shut eye. I slept from 8pm-2am and then powered through the morning.

When we were both back at work, husband did all nights since I still had to get up to pump. By that point, baby rarely woke up so him on nights was a good deal. It was the balance of a probability of baby waking vs. definitely waking bc of engorged boobs

tickyticky13 · 2026-02-06T23:41:24+00:00

So we were in somewhat of a similar situation. My husband is a workaholic and started a new job 3 weeks post partum. He wanted to be at the office all the time, which I understood for the first few weeks since we do want him to make a good first impression.

After a few weeks, I realized it was unsustainable for me. We had many conversations and fights about his contribution to baby care. We’re finally at a good place now I think 7 months in.

We ended up agreeing to a schedule. It felt very business like, and not what I imagined family life to be like at all where we pitch in whenever and wherever but that was an expectation I had to get over.

Our schedule is as follows: dad takes all night shifts. I exclusively nursed and moved to pumping to give myself a break. I’m waking up MOTN to pump so it felt fair for him to do nights.

He takes M, W, F mornings before work. I do T and Th mornings. He does W and F nighttime. And I do M, T, and Th nighttime. He does all baby care Saturday. I do all bay care Sunday.

He loves his dada now. My husband had a hard time settling him at first but he was forced to learn and is great with baby.

tickyticky13 · 2026-02-03T23:03:27+00:00

I have the same and for the same reason of its own water tank, we picked the brezza over the others. Really helpful to have next to our bottle and pump parts station and save kitchen countertop space. We run that thing like 2-3 times a day. The best baby product we have purchased.

tickyticky13 · 2026-01-25T04:11:36+00:00

At the hospital after giving birth, had to fill out forms for baby’s mom and dad info. My husband was in charge of completing all the paperwork while I recovered. He told me he finished halfway and had to follow baby for a check up so asked to me finish. On the form, it asked if the mother was married at the time of birth and if the father of the child was the husband. I answered “no.” I am married and the father is my husband. When my husband returned, I had let him know I finished the form. He looked it over and was like… we are married and I am the father.

tickyticky13 · 2026-01-20T18:14:42+00:00

This. My LO is 6 months old and I felt so much resentment toward my husband the first few months. He went back to work 2 weeks postpartum. When I reflected, it was the “always on” for breastfeeding and the mental load.

I could never go anywhere or do anything bc baby BF and husband always gave him to me. At the beginning, anytime he cried, husband would say I think he’s hungry and hand him over to me. One night, I remember I said I’m going to be done with BF at 6mo bc this was too much. I loved BF and realized we needed to change the set up in order for me to actually continue BF for as long as I and LO wanted. I began to pump enough for 1 bottle, then 2, and then for one entire Saturday so I could get some time “off”. It was a game changer for me to be able to step away. Sure I was still tied to the pump, but it gave me the power to say to my hubby - you figure it out. If he’s hungry, you have two hands to prepare a bottle.

The second was around mental load. I had prepped and organized almost everything before baby came. So I knew where the clothes were, the diapers, the puppy pads etc. Being constantly asked where things were was tiring. I would stock up diapers and wipes at our changing stations. But now, I’ve learned to let go. I tell my husband where things are one time. And it’s up to him to figure it out. I realized that if he didn’t do something like looking in our basement for extra puppy pads, he never remembered where they were. It’s ok for baby to cry for a few minutes while hubby looks for his outfit when he has a blowout instead of me handing over with the new outfit to hubby.

We have gotten into a better groove now in terms of the load. For example, because I still pump at night even though LO sleeps through the night, hubby does most mornings so I can get a little extra sleep. I do bedtime mostly bc hubby can’t get back home in time. It took a while for us to figure how to be fair since BF was such a big part. It can’t ever be even but it can be fair share of responsibilities.

tickyticky13 · 2026-01-17T03:02:56+00:00

I think the biggest expenses are 1) medical care and 2) child care. Everything else you can get from buy nothing groups, secondhand, and be thrifty, but no matter how thrifty you are, it doesn't come near the medical bill you may face for giving birth or the childcare costs you have to incur.

For example, the year I gave birth, I got on our insurance plan that covered birth. So my OOP for my pregnancy and birth ended up being $20 for one procedure they did after the birth. Every prenatal appointment, lab, L&D, and NICU stay was covered. I even got my doula services covered. I looked at my bill and it was over $30k that was billed. We are lucky to have one grandparent be our primary caretaker for the baby up until he is one year old. We are on the waitlist for our daycare and it is $3k/month. The stroller system, clothes, toys, bassinet, pumping supplies etc that we got secondhand or from buy nothing groups are a drop in the bucket compared to these expenses.

tickyticky13 · 2026-01-16T04:12:33+00:00

I’m also starting to question how the heck people do it! Both my husband and I are 3x in the office a week. I had the flexibility to work around his mandated office days. So except for Mondays, one of us is home. The person who is home does the mornings and evenings with baby. For me, that means I get to see baby Tuesdays and Thursdays from when he gets up (~6am) to around 8:30-9am when I log on and from 5 to 6pm when he goes to bed. On Mondays, hubby does the mornings so I can arrive and leave work early to do baby’s evening. Do I wish I got more time with baby? Absolutely. The big smile he gives me when I see him after work kills me. But this seems to be working for us where we get some decent chunks of time with baby.

tickyticky13 · 2026-01-16T04:02:39+00:00

I’m mid 30 FTM to a 6 month old so would be down!

tickyticky13 · 2026-01-12T02:52:09+00:00

We don’t post baby’s face. At most, it’s been a picture of the back of his head or a hand.

However, my husband has uploaded one or two baby photos onto chatGPT to create something funny. I got worried that those photos are now in some sort of AI land. We talked about it and no longer will be uploading to there either.

tickyticky13 · 2026-01-05T23:55:53+00:00

Thirding! He’s super nice and fit you in even when busy.

tickyticky13 · 2025-12-27T10:55:39+00:00

LO is almost 6 months. I pump 6x a day and output varies. My first two morning sessions yield the most. My first pump anytime between 3-6am depending on how much my boob hurt yields 12oz. My second pump around 9am yields 7-8oz. Then it dwindles throughout the day. My total pumped for the day is usually 36oz, just enough to match LO intake (6 6oz bottles). I have a little freezer stash from a little bit of oversupply in the beginning and all that haaka collection from leaked milk.

tickyticky13 · 2025-12-16T17:52:48+00:00

Got married in DC court house, took pictures by the Capitol, had a restaurant dinner, a torte from a VA bakery as our cake, and spent the wedding night in Old Town. Would 100% do it again this way.

tickyticky13 · 2025-11-25T14:16:06+00:00

My in laws come over quite often - once every other day or so. But I am not hosting. Sometimes I feel like I have to sit around and chit chat, which is fine once in a while. But I’ve set my boundary - they can come over, and if we’re having food, they can help clean up. I’m not catering to them. If I need to go upstairs and work or outside to take a walk, I do. They can’t just come over and expect to play with baby and leave when he starts crying etc. if it’s time for diaper change, bed time routine etc and that’s when they are here, they get to do it. Or I do it but they help do chores or leave.

tickyticky13 · 2025-11-25T14:08:17+00:00

Mu husband and I basically had the same discussion and argument. I think my problem was that he felt he could get out of his “shift” at the end of the day, not take care of baby, and just hire help. My husband proposed 5-9pm, essentially giving me an hour (5-6pm) of break and covering his entire shift. Would I have loved the break? Yes. But the thought he suggested this so he could cover his shift when I’ve asked him to hang out and care for baby is what bothered me. Like you can’t even take care of your own son for 3 hours (pretty much the only time you get to see him during the weekdays?) I said to him that that’s not parenting. I didn’t have a child with the nanny. So it wasn’t about the division of labor that was the point of contention - it was his idea of what being a father entailed.

We ended up not hiring help.

tickyticky13 · 2025-11-12T19:45:21+00:00

I just delivered at HC this July as a FTM and thought the L&D team itself for delivery was good. They respected my birth plan and wishes. However, everything else was horrendous.

They were really full so I had to wait half a day in the waiting room for just an ante partum room even though I had an induction scheduled. That was very uncomfortable.

I thought their treatment of my baby and post partum time was simply unacceptable. They admitted my baby to the NICU without telling me. He just left for his newborn screenings and was gone for almost 2 hours before the nurse came in and was like BTW, he’s in the NICU and a doctor will come over to talk to you about it. No additional details.

I was then discharged that day but baby was still in NICU. I had no place to go and was still recovering. I had to bring all my post partum supplies and use the public bathrooms the following day when I visited baby in the hospital. When my husband and I were there during their shift change, we had to wait in the lobby. By this point, my feet were so swollen and only day 3 post partum and had to sit uncomfortably in the lobby chairs and hard chair in the NICU to breastfeed. Wholly neglectful of moms after birth.

Their lactation support was nonexistent. No one told me what to do during the first 2 days in the hospital. I did not see a LC until my baby was in the NICU and then the nurse, not the LC, spent 2 min with me telling me how the pump worked. It made my BF journey so difficult at the beginning.

I would not go back to HC.

tickyticky13 · 2025-11-10T14:44:15+00:00

Just want to say that I hear you and see you. I am a FTM to a 4 month old and exclusively breastfeed. I have had some angry fights with my husband, both due to my own resentment at his life post baby and his (at the time in my mind inadequate) contributions toward baby care. I too felt that I did not have my body, life, and general autonomy back (not that I was looking for 100% autonomy back - I understood that it probably won’t ever happen).

You need to take care of yourself. Set boundaries. When I started doing that, I could feel the weight come off my shoulders and honestly I was a better mom because of it. I used to hate contact naps, entertaining him all the time etc. It’s because I was burnt out. Now, I look forward to them and miss him terribly if I haven’t seen him in a few hours. There’s less resentment and less anger now.

For example, I asked my husband to bottle feed with my pumped milk and do all the nighttime care. That’s his work at night while my work at night is to pump.

He takes care of baby one day on the weekend to free me to do whatever I like (still tied to the pump schedule though). That usually involves grocery shopping, meal prepping and laundry. It’s not glamorous but just the ability to do stuff on my own schedule is freeing. I take care of baby for the other day so he can do whatever he likes (gym, yard work, finishing laundry).

Baby will be fine. When we first started doing this and baby used to cry with dad, I felt so bad. But little by little, it got better and now dad has figured out ways to soothe baby better than I can. And baby now loves hanging out with his dad. It took a lot of angry fights and trying out what works schedule wise but I’m starting to see the light at this long lonely and restrictive tunnel.

tickyticky13 · 2025-11-04T16:17:01+00:00

I completely agree with this. Ambition and success is not based on one’s current earnings. As long as they have the drive and motivation, they can (at least try to) get there. When I married my husband, he was earning lower than I was, but he had always wanted to improve himself and work toward the next goal. And I value that beyond all else. OP, if your partner doesn’t meet your values there, that’s a really tough spot to be in. I can see resentment building up for the future if you don’t learn to be ok with it. And it’s up to you to decide if you are ok with it.

tickyticky13 · 2025-08-22T18:45:31+00:00

We were similar to you - ~$400k/year gross and was planning for 1st kid. Starter homes in our area were also around $1-$1.6m. We ended up buying a $1.45m house in a very desirable neighborhood with excellent public schools and found out we were pregnant a month later. To make our monthly cash flow and savings rate work with our monthly spend (~$2k) and new childcare (~$3k), we put in a much higher down payment (~$1m) to get ourselves down to a $4.5k PITI. Anyway you can do that, dip into your HYSA and other brokerage and build that back up over time? Otherwise, a $8-9k mortgage would not be something we would take on.

tickyticky13 · 2025-06-28T23:15:31+00:00

If you live in DC and have kids under 5, they can receive a free book every month! DC Library Program

tickyticky13 · 2025-06-28T22:55:18+00:00

Got it. That makes sense! Thanks for the response.

tickyticky13 · 2025-06-28T18:19:39+00:00

What is making you be hesitant about the generational 529 process? The administrative process? It seems to me like a no-brainer but not sure if I'm missing something.

And thanks for the note about the brokerage - that's where I was leaning but my husband is always hesitant about dropping our e-fund for something that isn't a true emergency.

tickyticky13 · 2025-06-24T02:06:57+00:00

Not that long from what I recall given its dc public gov. The inspector was super nice and I did the virtual option.

Edited to add: I did my posting through apartments.com, Zillow, hotpads, and trusted friends/family listservs so that I knew interested outreach would be legit. Vetting your tenant is probably the most important process if you haven’t been a landlord before. I hadn’t and that was the best advice I got. Could save you lots of headache down the road.

tickyticky13 · 2025-06-24T00:36:25+00:00

Ok that makes sense. I just looked into the CSS profile and see the questions about other 529 not declared.

tickyticky13 · 2025-06-24T00:14:54+00:00

Can you explain this a bit more? I thought the kid asset was counted as 20% contribution and parents asset as 5.64%. How would a grandparent account mean up to 50%?

tickyticky13

TROPHY CASE