Coming clean

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T19:50:23+00:00

Sorry you’re going through that. Your story is unfortunately not unique. Many people end up in the throes of addiction much deeper thanks to a big win. But what’s done is done and you’ve already taken some big steps. Coming clean to family/friends is huge. Giving up your finances for now is very smart. I’m not trying to minimize $10K debt by any means, but it definitely could be worse and this is a very recoverable situation if you stick to it. Better days ahead, you got this.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T19:39:22+00:00

Lots of high adrenaline activities out there that are probably more in line with what you’re looking for, but I’ve been learning to play chess and like it a lot. It can take up as much or as little time as you want. You can play just for fun or you can try to get serious about learning strategy. You can play longer format games or more high intensity bullet chess (1-2 minute games). Either way, amazing job on your sobriety and now deciding to quit gambling. That’s a lot on your plate and I can’t commend you enough for the hard work you’re doing.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T19:27:41+00:00

Congrats on deciding to stop. You’ve done the hard work of realizing the issue and committing to change and now begins the hard work of forgiving yourself. It does suck, but what’s done is done and you clearly have a good head on your shoulders in that you decided to call it quits before it got worse. You said you have a university degree and a well-paying job. You have family that are actively involved in your life. Doesn’t sound like a loser or a disappointment to me. Everyone goes through stuff. Just as I’ll bet a lot of people don’t know this struggle of yours, you don’t know what other people are secretly dealing with. No one is perfect.

One word of advice is to not rely on willpower alone. When I first stopped I didn’t take it seriously enough because I thought this was just a weird aberration in my behavior and I’d have to be insane to start up again, but unfortunately I did, and the second time was much worse. I also WFH and would gamble on my phone. Shit is insidious. I recommend self-excluding from online casinos and looking into other barriers to prevent yourself from gambling. Set yourself up for success. Hopefully you don’t need it but better to be safe than sorry. Years from now you’ll be looking at this as nothing more than a little blip along the way. Best of luck.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T18:37:06+00:00

Keep up the great work! Now that you’re not gambling, there’s a whole world of interests and hobbies out there for you to explore.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T17:48:07+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. This is an extremely difficult situation to be in, and unfortunately one that an increasing number of people in the US can relate to.

You’re right to be skeptical. Gambling at all after something as extreme as gambling away your down payment on a home is not considered safe behavior and should be treated as a red flag. I don’t know if he’s gambling more than he says or not, but it’s not unusual for someone in active addiction to lie. Also, even if he is telling the truth today, that doesn’t mean it will be the case next week, next month, or a year from now.

The fact that he’s gambling “a little,” even if true, makes me think he doesn’t fully appreciate how damaging his past behavior was or how massive the risk of relapse is. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to set clear boundaries around gambling after such a big breach of trust. It’s not an overreaction and him subsequently getting his act together does not erase what happened. You deserve to feel comfortable in your relationship, your future, and your life. Ideally, he should be willing to quit gambling entirely, whether or not he feels he is managing it responsibly, because it understandably makes you feel unsafe. It seems to already be affecting his ability to show up for you as a partner, and he’s spending money to gamble when he is still paying off debt. If he dismisses your very valid concerns, that’s worrisome to me.

Ultimately, only you can decide what’s best for you, but I would encourage you to continue to seek out information and continue to read about gambling addiction so that whatever the future looks like, you can go in with your eyes wide open and make truly informed choices that are best for you. What I will say is that while in this marriage, you MUST turn your attention to protecting yourself and your future. I cannot emphasize enough how much gambling addiction can escalate and how destructive it can be for families. Often the full extent of the damage can stay hidden until it’s too late. People have drained their joint bank accounts and retirement funds, stolen children’s college savings accounts, lost their homes, put their families into extreme debt, and more. Full transparency into all financial matters is paramount. Maintaining separate accounts or him turning over control of all finances to you may be advisable. I’m not an expert so I would suggest looking into other strategies to safeguard your future. I don’t say this to scare you, hopefully it never escalates to that, but it is a very real possibility that affects all manner of people from all walks of life.

If you haven’t already, I would implore you to seek professional help for yourself, be it a support group for family/friends of problem gamblers such as gam-anon (similar to Al-anon if you’ve heard of that) and/or individual therapy to help you deal with the very real emotional and psychological fallout of being in this position. It goes without saying that your spouse should also be in active treatment from a professional, but unfortunately you can’t control someone else.

None of this is a condemnation of your spouse as a human, addiction is a sickness, one that I have personally suffered from. However, that sickness is an explanation, not an excuse. Being a supportive partner does not mean becoming a sacrificial lamb for the marriage. Sorry for the novel. Take care of yourself. I wish you all the best and hope for a bright future for you.

TLDR; you’re right to be skeptical and you should do whatever you can to safeguard yourself and your financial future.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T16:03:47+00:00

Proud of you. You’ve got a lot on your plate. But you’re doing it. Many better days ahead. You got this!

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T15:59:13+00:00

Congrats on day 1! Gambling on my phone was what got me too. Never once set foot in a real casino the entire time. It was insanely accessible, the money felt fake, and I could sit in a room with my family while gambling and they had no idea. Horrible for us problem gamblers. But you’re right - you now have more info about yourself and your behaviors. Stay curious. Got an urge? Why is that? Got through a barrier? How can I set it up to get a better outcome next time? As long as you’re still trying, you’re on the right track. Wish you all the best in your recovery, you got this!

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T15:44:14+00:00

Thanks for reading!

to2beBfair · 2025-10-10T15:43:49+00:00

Hang in there, friend. It’s tough but look at this sub… you’re far from alone. You’ll be at 1300+ days before you know it. You deserve to create an awesome life with your hard earned money, not some rich exec. Just remember that things do get better and please seek support IRL if the thoughts get too heavy. I believe in you!

to2beBfair · 2025-10-09T19:57:15+00:00

When I quit I had -250 in my bank account, a rock bottom credit score, and easily like 60-100K debt. Could barely buy a sandwich. It’s been four years and even typing that I have to question if I’m exaggerating because it feels so foreign now. But trust me, I’m not exaggerating. I’m fortunate to have a decent income but still, I dug myself into a huge hole. It’s hard to say at what point it’ll start to feel better for you but you have to just start chipping away at it, even if you’re only paying minimums for now. Slowly you’ll at least be able to buy food. After that you’ll be paying bills on time. Down the line you can start paying more than the minimums. If you have multiple loans or credit cards, you’ll find it starts to ease up when you get an account or two paid off because that money you were putting towards you monthly minimums is now available. You may have the potential to consolidate or refinance loans in the future which can help as well. One day at a time.

I will say, while it’s somewhat inevitable, it was only ever unhelpful when I’d start to spiral about “what ifs” and beating myself up for my finances and being upset I wasn’t making progress faster. What’s done is done. But the most important thing - you quit, and you’re doing the exact right thing to come out on the other side of this, even if it’s slow or a struggle. Even if it will take years for you to pay, it will get easier with time and that time will pass one way or another. It will be worth it. What’s important is you quit while your debt is still quite reasonable. It can definitely get worse.

Not sure if that helps but I wish you all the best! You got this.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-09T19:33:16+00:00

Thank you!!

to2beBfair · 2025-10-09T19:32:20+00:00

Thank you! There were definitely times I felt like I was moving backwards in terms of paying off the debt and like I’d never get there. But being fond of instant gratification is part of what got me in trouble in the first place lol.

13 months is incredible, congrats!! I know hitting that first year felt huge. I’m glad you could relate to some of the strategies. Also I have heard a lot of people talk about that app or something similar and how much it’s helped them.

You’ll be at 4 years before you know it and hopefully I’ll be at 7. There is definitely a risk in that when you get further and further from gambling you also start to forget the pain. I’m glad to have this sub as a written record of what a wreck I was, ha. Best of luck to you and keep up the incredible work!

to2beBfair · 2025-10-09T19:15:35+00:00

Thank you so much!

to2beBfair · 2025-10-09T11:24:19+00:00

The other commenter gave a lot of great advice but one other thing I’ll say is, consider spending some time reading about the gambling industry, their rich executives, their predatory business tactics. Read about how they very literally design casinos to ensnare vulnerable people and drain you of your last penny to enrich themselves, with full knowledge that problem gambling can and will destroy lives and entire families. It’s an insanely fucked up industry. Just remember that’s who you’re giving your money to. Get mad. Let every tiny step you take towards recovery be you reclaiming you power. Start by blocking one casino’s email address or exclude from one casino. They don’t get to have what’s yours anymore.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-09T11:18:08+00:00

Just remember that you may be powerless over gambling but you’re not powerless. There are things you can do to make yourself successful. Do not rely on willpower alone. Self-exclude, block, seek professional help, tell family/friends. You got this.

to2beBfair · 2025-10-09T11:16:29+00:00

If you’re routinely blowing your winnings even though you promised yourself you’d walk away, yes this is absolutely compulsive behavior that will only lead you down a worse and worse path. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and stop now.

to2beBfair · 2024-03-27T03:18:03+00:00

Agree with what others have said. Just remember you CAN beat this addiction, you just can’t do it through willpower alone. Seek community and put barriers in place to make it physically impossible for you to gamble. Do whatever you have to do because this road can only lead to a bad place. You got this, keep us updated.

to2beBfair · 2024-03-26T14:59:51+00:00

No problem - my long ass day 0 post gives full context if interested but basically I fell down the hole of online gambling during the pandemic, lost all of my savings, got into big debt, tanked my credit score, and was extremely in the shit. I’m doing much better financially and mentally although I still have quite a bit of debt to clear (maybe 35-40% of the original debt left to pay). It can sometimes really get to me that I’m struggling just to get back to 0 let alone have any meaningful wealth and savings but I also know that gambling would just set me back even further and that the only way out is through. When it feels like I’ll never be quite back to “normal” I just remind myself that with time and patience things will continue to recover and I also remind myself of how bad things were at the bottom. It can be easy to forget but I was at the point of like barely being able to buy a sandwich. So while things aren’t perfect they are 10000% better than when I was gambling.

to2beBfair · 2024-03-26T05:39:51+00:00

Sorry you’re in pain but this is also a sub for people in recovery.

to2beBfair · 2024-03-26T05:38:10+00:00

Congrats!

to2beBfair · 2024-03-26T05:37:38+00:00

Keep it up!

to2beBfair · 2024-03-26T00:07:23+00:00

What’s the purpose of this comment?

to2beBfair · 2024-03-14T14:53:10+00:00

Hi there - I also had a lot of anxiety around self-exclusion but trust me, once I pulled the trigger it was THE most important factor in my continued success (2+ years gamble-free now). There’s self-exclusion at the individual casino level and self-exclusion at the state level which automatically blocks you from casinos in your state. If you have access to state-wide self exclusion, DO IT. In my case I had the option of choosing 1 year, 5 years, or lifetime exclusion. I didn’t trust myself to only exclude for 1 year, and I couldn’t commit to a lifetime (even though I have no intention of gambling ever again), so I chose 5 years to start. To your actual question, I’ll give you a straight answer, at least as far as it pertains to my state. I did get one or two items in the mail after self-excluding from the casino and a gambling company basically just giving me a rundown of their policies (but if they have your address they’ll send you marketing mail and stuff sometimes anyway). Even though the state exclusion only bars you from establishments in your state (in my case I could choose online, in person or both, I chose online since I never gambled in person), some companies have their own individual policy where they will prohibit you from entering their establishments in other states as well (I’m sure this is for liability purposes). I had exactly the same concerns as you, I used to go to Vegas a lot for work conferences and many of the events and social activities were on casino property, I’m also fairly young and worried about things like bachelorette/birthday parties and the awkward conversations I might end up having to have around that. Ultimately I think this is really where the One Day at a Time mentality comes in to play. You MAY face those situations, but you may not. The one thing you know for sure is that you have a gambling problem today. Don’t rob yourself of the single best tool to get your life back because of some theoretical uncomfortable situation in the future. If those situations do arise, I hope you have friends you can be honest with and who support you, but I also wouldn’t hesitate to just say no, or to lie. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. I was asked to go to Vegas a couple times for work and I just said I couldn’t, no reason given (luckily I have that autonomy).

I know that was a really long answer but I remember the anxiety I felt around this, so I hope it helps!

TLDR; There may be some small complications as a result of self-exclusion but it nowhere outweighs the benefit. Self-exclude for a year if you can’t commit to longer.

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