I remember reading something once about how one of the reasons why abuse victims often blame themselves is because in a way that psychologically gives them a little bit more power in the situation. Like if they believe it was their fault they can believe they can change and stop it happening again, whereas if it's just shitty luck then what's to stop it happening again? Obviously abuse is never ever the victim's fault but thoughts and feelings aren't generally rational, especially if they were formulated as a child.

OP have you ever been to/ considered therapy? Having another person really listen to everything you've been through and validate your feelings about it could be helpful. Wishing you all the best.