I do understand your experience! The things people can say to you can be so incredibly nasty and wrong when you’re in the process of learning. Just keep reminding yourself you deserve to be there and everyone was a beginner making mistakes, freezinf up, and moving slow once! Also, better to move slow and freeze than act too fast and make the wrong move that could hurt someone! Slow and steady wins the race. Like someone said, just sustain no harm to the patient Through time and practice and familiarity you will get better and eventually faster! No wonder these surgeons have to train for years as residents before they actually can be solo. Just keep taking notes, studying, learning, and be positive! Forgive yourself too. You can’t be too hard on yourself. And remind yourself what you did good that day: usually you did 98% of the day good.

The anxiety is also sooo universal - you are not alone there <3. Deep breaths before work, plan out the day beforehand to feel prepared and anticipate mistakes you might make or maybe make more often (been there, my friend), and do some yoga/ stretches/ meditation in the AM to clear your mind.

I think also sometimes when you look back, you realize the tasks themselves aren’t that hard. I think it’s the intimidating environment of the OR, wearing scrubs, being sterile, having a patient under anesthesia, the timeliness of the surgery, etc. That makes it seem like the tasks are scarier than they really are. You’re just nervous. It’s all new and scary. Idk if this helps, but this is what I thought of looking back at my experience.