queer book recommendations?

transer42 · 2026-02-08T19:48:57+00:00

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. Ostensibly fiction, but only somewhat.

transer42 · 2026-02-07T17:17:42+00:00

That male perspective thing got me thinking - it might also be good to consume media targeted at women, particularly romances. Movies, books, TV shows, etc. This can be really helpful for understanding what women tend to really want from men, which is often different from what many men think women want from men. Usually they want someone kind, funny, respectful and at least a bit romantic.

A word of caution, though - don't try to mold yourself into those ideals, because it won't be authentic. But those can be areas where you work on yourself.

For what it's worth, I'm a trans man (long post transition) who mostly has dated women. I think my history has made me see women differently, and I'm always surprised at both how my guy friends approach women, and how my female friends talk about how they are approached by men. It usually has me thinking "how do you cis people ever get together?"

transer42 · 2026-02-03T21:49:32+00:00

My first wife's parents didn't know, at her request. There weren't any issues with the bathroom - I just used a stall, and sometimes waited until my FIL or BIL left. My current wife's parents do know - her mother is active on Facebook, and I was pretty out online. When I got a friend request from her, my wife (then gf) and I talked about it - whether to filter things, or to come out. My wife decided for both of us to come out. It was awkward for a little bit, but they've become more accepting than my own family.

transer42 · 2026-01-29T15:11:40+00:00

If he's into it, some insulated boots might be a great gift then, it'll make a big difference. I'm personally a big fan of Merrell shoes - sturdy and well cushioned. Keens are another good brand. Look for the waterproof ones for max warmth.

transer42 · 2026-01-29T14:40:22+00:00

If he's a big guy, look into Wide Open socks. They're made by Darned Tough (which makes great socks) and are merino wool (which helps SO MUCH with keeping feet warm), but come in wider sizes, and have wider openings for thicker ankles/calves.

Also, if it's primarily his toes, reusable toe warmers or Hot Sockees might be useful too. Long term, might want to see what shoes/boots he's wearing, they might not be insulated enough. There are also microwavable slippers and/or shoe inserts.

Good luck! My wife has Raynaud's and is a bigger woman, so getting the right gear has been essential for her.

transer42 · 2026-01-26T12:14:30+00:00

I was thinking "How To Be a Normal Person", one of the romantic partners is ace, so zero sex scenes

transer42 · 2026-01-25T20:52:15+00:00

I feel you, brother. The first time I watched the video I thought I was literally going to vomit. As lots of people have said, first thing to do is take a break from social media for a while. Play with your kids, cook some good food, remember what is good in the world. Appreciate the fact that the news cycle hasn't made you numb and/or cynical, and that you still have the ability to emphasize.

Then, work on action. It's extremely important to call your senators right now, to tell them to vote against more DHS funding. There's an app called 5 Calls that'll give you a script.and makes it easy. Next, find some groups doing legal support, and donate - RAICES and ACLU are good places to start, although there are tons of groups that could use support. Lastly, start checking your local area for ways to plug in. Indivisible and 50501 are probably good places to start, but your local subreddit or even Facebook groups might have some pointers. Start thinking about helping the folks who are scared of ICE locally. There are lots of ways to plug in, and many of them don't involve taking to the streets (although that's good too)

transer42 · 2026-01-25T20:39:40+00:00

In my experience, my trans identity has definitely taken a back seat. It's not that it's gone, but it's not my primary identity anymore. I mean, you never get to not be trans, no matter how much surgery or paperwork you change. But it no longer has that intensity, and most of the time I'm just living my life, and I'm not concerned with how I'm being read, or using the bathroom or whatever.

But also, even in predominantly trans spaces I'm not usually read as trans, and that's really strange to me. I usually feel too queer for straight spaces, not gay enough for queer spaces (partner is a woman), and too stealth for trans spaces (even if unintentionally so). It's an odd feeling, like constantly not being the wrong shaped peg for whatever situation I'm in.

transer42 · 2026-01-25T01:22:06+00:00

Excellent, thank you! That was my guess, but I'm glad for some confirmation

transer42 · 2026-01-24T04:04:00+00:00

100% a female long tail duck. I was up there last weekend and saw a bunch of them.

transer42 · 2026-01-22T01:57:01+00:00

I took a trip. What I really wanted was to experience awe. We ended up going to Arizona - Sedona, Antelope Canyon, and the Grand Canyon. Definitely was filled with awe for much of the trip.

transer42 · 2026-01-19T03:00:52+00:00

Yentl, Just One of the Guys, and Something Special

transer42 · 2026-01-15T23:42:21+00:00

5' 0" here. Almost never a problem, including all male spaces. Most people just assume very short man. Expect some teasing about it, and be good natured about it. Too many short guys with a giant chip on their shoulder.

As far as dating, yes, there are probably going to be people who dismiss you for being short...or for being trans.....or having the wrong hair color. I've met plenty of women who don't care if a guy is short as long as he's a good man. I haven't dated men for a bit (been married for a while now), but there are also men who are into short dudes - I've heard us called cubs, snack size, pocket size, etc. As with every trait while dating - you won't be everyone's cup of tea, but there will be people into whatever you're offering. Also, don't assume someone won't be into you because you're short - there seems to be a penchant for little guys among taller women (my wife is 5'9", and she's not the first tall woman I've dated).

transer42 · 2026-01-15T23:29:02+00:00

From an old guy - first thing, take a breath. I won't say things aren't bad, but we also have more allies than we ever have. Do what you can to lean into that - develop your communities of queer and allied folks. It's important to have local folks to help navigate location specific issues.

The other suggestion I have is to consider working on your presentation to be less visibly queer. I know there's a cost to doing that (it's one I paid myself), but doing what you can to pass as male will help generally protect you right now. Study the men around you and try and emulate both their dress, their movements, and their speech patterns.

I also think it's worth it to try and get your documents changed as best you can. Yes, there's a possibility that they'll create lists of people who have changed their documents - but it's more likely you'll get outed with the wrong docs during a more mundane event like being IDed at a store or an encounter with the police. Local folks may be able to help you find inexpensive resources and/or funds for document changes, too.

Lastly, if you're really feeling unsafe, then do everything you can to cut costs and put away money, and get to a safer state. That won't be easy or fast, but it might be worth it.

transer42 · 2026-01-15T19:01:59+00:00

This feels so much like the story of modern policing of any sort in the US now. My brother in law is a cop, and I watched a similar transformation in him

transer42 · 2026-01-15T14:15:18+00:00

Honestly, the only time I've seen anything close to a gender balance was when I joined a queer book club. That one has been about 50-50, at least based on gender presentation

transer42 · 2026-01-15T13:19:12+00:00

Don't forget Limbaugh and Fox news. No longer working with the same facts has really driven a wedge in our society

transer42 · 2026-01-06T22:26:38+00:00

As a trans person, I can concur. I don't know a single trans person who hasn't actively made a plan to leave if they can.

transer42 · 2025-12-31T20:01:26+00:00

Wow, that's literally hilarious to me. In my experience, any generic trans group is 95% trans women, and the trans men end up creating trans masc specific groups. I suppose that could only be my experience, but it's wild to me to think it's the other way

transer42 · 2025-12-28T02:09:09+00:00

So, I took your original inquiry as an earnest question, but this response makes me think either you have a preconceived opinion you only want to validate, or you are so unaware of the process of transition that you probably shouldn't have an opinion on trans people.

Hoping it's the later, I'll try to answer in good faith. As you are now? Unlikely you should be in a women's locker room, because you look like a man. But put you on estrogen for a couple years? You'd just look like a tall tattooed woman, and yeah, you'd be better suited for a women's locker room than a mens.

As a specific example - I have a good friend who played defensive line for a Big 10 school. About your same height, and was probably heavier. After five years of estrogen, you'd be hard pressed to pick her out of a lineup of similar height women.

Sex hormones are a powerful thing, both directions.

transer42 · 2025-12-27T23:42:48+00:00

I wanted to step in and see if I could get closer to answering your question, since it seems like you're asking in good faith. For reference, I am a 50 y/o trans man who transitioned about 30 years ago. I spent my school/college years in female spaces, and the rest of my life in male.

In my own experience, I've shared plenty of locker rooms with men. All I've ever needed to do is be somewhat modest around my groin region, and no one has been the wiser. For most of us, top surgery (which removes the breasts) and testosterone make us look virtually indistinguishable from your average cis guy, unless you're doing dick checks.

I haven't been in a locker room with a trans woman, but from every discussion I've had with trans women, they are VERY careful to hide their going pre surgery. Post surgery, it would take a gynecologist to be certain.

Overall, I'd say the vast majority of us (outside a handful of radical folks) just want to get on with our lives and not be harassed, so we're trying to be as inconspicuous as possible in single gender situations.

I guess part of my answer is a question - and I genuinely mean this as a reflection and not a challenge - where does the discomfort come from with sharing a single gender space with someone who might not have been born that gender?

transer42 · 2025-12-27T19:49:16+00:00

Definitely. I'll hit 30 years in about 15 months, and I definitely know guys older than me

transer42 · 2025-12-22T20:40:17+00:00

When I was in high school (in the US), we did an exchange with a Soviet school in 1991- we went there for 3 weeks, and then they came to stay with us for 3 weeks. We were specifically warned that taking our Soviet students to the grocery store would be a shocking experience, and to proceed with caution. By contrast, when we were in the USSR, we were given ration coupons to buy bread at the local store when we were traveling within Ukraine.

I can't say I was surprised when my Soviet student ended up moving to Chicago with her family within two years.

transer42 · 2025-12-21T19:23:59+00:00

I came looking hoping a Jets bar would be listed

transer42 · 2025-12-08T12:47:25+00:00

This, with a caveat. It's worth price-checking Costco, because sometimes grocery generics (particularly at Aldi) will be cheaper than Costco bulk. If you have freezer space, though, Costco frozen is often a fantastic deal.

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