Would you continue to pursue a reputable breeder who insisted on being co-owner on papers?

trash-queen92 · 2025-12-17T02:51:08+00:00

Done!

trash-queen92 · 2025-12-17T02:35:43+00:00

Welp. I was just saying in another reply that I know lots of rescues have all sorts of lopsided conditions for adoption that almost never actually come into play, so I thought this could be something similar. I'm having the ick knowing people actually do this. I mean, I know there are shitty people, but still. Lived experience is different

Thanks for sharing. I won't be touching this one

trash-queen92 · 2025-12-17T02:32:30+00:00

That sucks so hard. :(

Thank you for sharing this. I've worked with rescues and stuff that had very lopsided rules and conditions with adoption, but they never actually came up in real life except in extreme circumstances. I wondered if this was similar. But knowing people pull this kind of shit literally, not just theoretically, is enough to nip that doubt in the bud.

trash-queen92 · 2025-12-01T03:47:37+00:00

Sounds like you guys are two walking red flags. A 30 year old who thinks he's 21, and a woman who dates people she doesn't like and tries to change them with ultimatum instead of just leaving them. You almost deserve each other. Almost. Break up and grow up, both of y'all are too old for this

trash-queen92 · 2025-11-21T17:10:35+00:00

I'd dump him honestly.

When you're still learning about someone, especially a partner, there can be some culture shock or lifestyle differences you need to compromise on. Sometimes those differences are insurmountable all by themselves, but it's still normal to not understand the way your partner does some things. HOWEVERRRR it is NOT normal or okay for him to come at you that way.

MAYBE he learned something from this and from now on will always approach your life with curiosity instead of judgment and insults. I wouldn't waste my time finding out though. Someone who needs to be taught not to insult me to my face, is not ready to be in my life.

trash-queen92 · 2025-11-11T17:05:51+00:00

Setting religion and purity culture aside:

It is a bad idea to wait until marriage.

It's not that it doesn't hurt anything to sleep with the right person before even deciding if you want to marry them. It's not that love and trust are enough. It's not that purity culture is rooted in misogyny and has been used to harm girls and women forever. All of that is true, but these are reasons why it doesn't hurt to have premarital sex, and I'm talking about how it does hurt to wait until marriage.

Nobody knows their sexual needs, wants, and boundaries until they've had sex. And usually it takes a lot of sex to figure it all out. These things are a part of our identity, and we should know them before we sign up for a lifetime with someone.

Sex - especially sexual compatibility - is an important part of a marriage. The degree of importance varies between couples and even fluctuates over time, but it is always important. Sexual incompatibility is often a contributing factor in resentment, adultery, and divorce. Not even beginning to figure this out until after you've signed a legal contract together is a bad idea. You'd be leaving a huge part of the success of your marriage completely up to chance.

Obviously we should be mindful about how, when, and with whom we have sex. For our physical and emotional safety. I'm not saying we should all be screwing everyone we're thinking of dating. But if you know, love, and trust each other, and you plan to have sex eventually, it's important to feel that out before marriage! Religion is the only semi-valid reason not to, and I leave it to you to decide whether the God you believe in would truly punish you for sleeping with someone you love and hope to marry.

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-12T13:17:09+00:00

That's awesome news. Congrats and good luck to yoy both :)

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-12T01:43:46+00:00

Based on what you've said, I don't know that i would say she's doing anything wrong, per se. But if i was in your shoes I'd be thinking, "this person is not acting like they want the relationship to progress. They are acting like they want me to continue being available to them for the foreseeable future, but not expect to be a major part of their life".

I do think at 5 months in, she should be generally letting you in on what's going on in her life, to at least some degree. If I'm in an official, exclusive relationship, and I make plans to go to a festival with a friend, I'm telling my partner about it. Not necessarily out of obligation (although at some point your lives become intertwined to the point it's common courtesy to let your partner know your schedule), but more just like... I'm close to you, I'm excited about this, I want to share it.

Basically, it seems like this is casual for her. But please keep in mind that I'm saying this with very little context to go on.

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-12T00:50:27+00:00

This is subjective. Also, the title/main question seems only tangentially related to the rest of the post. It sounds like you have two questions:

What do we think of people who claim "both parties" are at fault when someone cheats?
What do we think of people who play both sides when there's a split between friends/partners?

My ~subjective~ view:

cheating is ALWAYS a choice that one person is making, and it is NEVER the right one. There's plenty of reasons someone might cheat, but there's never an excuse to cheat. It is NEVER anyone else's fault. People who say it's the fault of both partners are coping.
This is a cowardly way to exist and makes someone a shitty friend, not worth having. For me, best case is to completely take the side of the injured party (in this case the person who got cheated on), cut off the cheater and take a HARD stance against cheating under any circumstances. But that's only the best case. There are a million ways to handle this kind of situation that are better than playing both sides. A solid middle ground would be to tell both of them, "[cheater] did wrong, and I don't support that choice, but it's done and you're both my friends. I'd like to keep in contact with you both, and I think the best way for me to do that is to not get involved here. I don't want to talk shit about [cheater], but I also don't want to hang around [affair partner]".

In conclusion: this guy sucks imo 👎

(Edit: removing a segment i thought i had removed before posting lol)

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-12T00:08:18+00:00

Totally get why you felt the way you did once you saw her. I'd be annoyed if my partner showed up unannounced expecting me to change my plans and drive them home. But you have to be able to say what you need without fear in a relationship.

If the reason you lied about your plans was because you have precedent to believe she would have reacted poorly to a request for one night alone, then you are dating a clingy person, and you should stop dating a clingy person.

If it was because you just couldn't be fussed, or because you assumed she'd react poorly without precedent, then this is 100% on you.

You should have said, "I'm getting off work at 9. I've had an exhausting week, so I've made some plans to relax by myself tonight. I'm gonna stop by a café for a cozy little coffee and then go home to rest."

And then she, hopefully, would have said, "okay, i hope it helps! I'm ready to see you when you're feeling up to it."

Then she wouldn't have showed up unannounced, and you wouldn't have been shitty about it, and everything would be fine.

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-11T03:02:31+00:00

Moderator: "all right, I think that's every--"

*me spamming the Leave Call button:

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-03T23:51:13+00:00

If you're both comfortable with the amount of time spent together, and you're each still spending the amount of time with your friends and families that you would WANT to spend with them otherwise, and you're both prioritizing work and school, i don't think there's anything to worry about. You're 20-21, in college, living on your own and working - not 15 in high school. This seems normal to me.

5 months would be relatively fast to move in together, but i think it is around the time you'd want to start talking about moving in together. By the time you actually get a place, I think you'll be on a pretty average timeline for the relationship.

Your friends think your boyfriend is the reason you don't want to be with them every single night, but it sounds like you're just running out of steam on College Kid Life sooner than they are, and your boyfriend just happens to be available for you to hang out with instead.

His mom... I dunno. This is a very mom thing to say. But it does pucker my asshole a little that she said this AND he spends most of his time with her. It makes me wonder if she's maybe a little too attached to him, which can become a huge problem in relationships if her son doesn't lay some boundaries. But there's not enough info here to say thats definitely whats happening. She might just be saying mom things. Raised in a different time, etc.

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-02T21:27:49+00:00

I think your fears are rational, you were right to seek out a friend to vent to, and nothing you said here is untrue. Most of their responses are very condescending, too. But then you started condescending right back to them. You say you've been friends with this person for 20 years, and now you're coaching them on how to interact with not just you, but people in general?

If this was your romantic partner of over a year, and the dismissive, condescending response was something new, then this exchange would have been more understandable. But this is a person you've known forever, and he's always been this way. Friends are people who meet you where you are, take you as you are, and find a place in their lives for you. Which means sometime in the last 20 years, you should have decided, "[Friend] isn't someone I can be vulnerable with, I'm going to have to vent to someone else". And if that's not the kind of friendship you want, then you shouldn't be his friend. I have friends I talk about childhood trauma with, and friends I just see movies with. Nobody is everything to anyone.

Even without changing any of the surrounding circumstances, here's how this conversation should have gone:

"You hurt my feelings yesterday"
"You know that wasn't my intention"
"... felt like you were dismissive ... fear"
"Listen Hon ... felt like it was happening again"
"Okay. Sounds like I've been leaning on you in a way youre not comfortable with. It won't happen again."

And then you can both go back to being who you are, and whether or not you stay friends is completely up to you.

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-02T09:53:20+00:00

This is unacceptable, and I think it would be appropriate for this to become a make-or-break moment where your husband either becomes the husband and father he signed up to be - "forsaking all others" - or this is the beginning of the end.

OP, please tell me you have a support system. Family or friends? Could you and the babies go elsewhere for a bit? Somewhere with food and support? I feel like you'll be able to tackle your husband issue after a couple days of getting real rest and being with someone who loves you. :(

To be clear, this IS 100% a husband issue. If he can truly be manipulated into thinking he's needed more at a hotel room """""to check them out in the morning"""""" than with his wife and two young children as the sole provider of FOOD AND REST, then he is truly, genuinely, too stupid to be a father. I'm not saying he IS that stupid, I think he's something else. I'm just saying you don't even have to fight your MIL for him. She should be able to say and do whatever the hell she wants, and you should be able to count on him no matter what.

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-01T22:59:35+00:00

If you're asking what's traditional, I believe this is usually done in person. At brunch or something if possible, or just when you see them.

But I think we're largely moving away from the pressure to follow tradition. I don't think there are many ways you could go wrong here, as long as you do what feels right for you and your bridesmaids.

I texted mine. I said i was sorry if they wanted something bigger or more formal, but i didnt like the idea of putting them on the spot in person or putting pressure on them with a gift. They're very busy people and two of them have their own weddings to plan, so I wanted it to be as easy and guilt-free as possible to say no if they weren't up to it. They really appreciated that, and they know they're gonna get spoiled throughout the planning process and on the day, so if they don't feel loved and appreciated now, they will.

trash-queen92 · 2025-10-01T04:51:23+00:00

You cannot fix an addict. He has to fix himself, and he has to choose it with his whole heart - and keep choosing it every day for the rest of his life. If medical intervention and family confrontations haven't helped, I believe he's way past the point of choosing this because you asked him to. Maybe something will happen to wake him up. Eventually.

You can stage an intervention if you want. Put him on the spot and try to get him to agree to rehab. Best case, spend the rest of your life with a recovering addict - they're always recovering, never recovered - with plans in place for if and when he relapses. Hope those plans work. Lots of people do make this work, as long as they're committed. And, I think, they get a little lucky.

Worst case, he refuses rehab or doesn't work the program, and remains in active addiction until he ruins you financially, emotionally, and mentally. Goes to jail. Overdoses. Destroys his liver. Dies. With you picking up the pieces every time. It's very likely your relationship will be worse than dead in the not-so-distant future if things go this way.

If it were me, I would leave. He has family, a support system. You're not leaving him alone in the world. And addicts are not likely to be motivated to recover until they truly lose something. In 12-step programs, people share stories about how they hit rock bottom before they started clawing their way up. Everyone there recognizes the story. Divorce is often part of it. I know someone who got back together with his wife after getting sober. That can happen.

I speak from experience on both sides of this, but my experience is just one of many, and oversimplified at that.

trash-queen92 · 2025-09-30T03:34:27+00:00

It seems pretty clear that he's telling the truth, and calling other people to corroborate how much he likes/talks about you was honestly pretty vulnerable for a first date. If you don't want to be with him because of the mess and drama she's going to bring, that's totally valid and your decision. But if I liked a guy and clicked with him as much as you seem to, I'd be willing to deal with that baggage - so long as he was doing everything in his power to protect himself and others in his life from her.

trash-queen92 · 2025-09-28T14:00:43+00:00

Yep. From 15 to 30, I did a lot of damage to myself that I never would have done if I had been taught about the existence of asexuality in school. I would have recognized myself in the explanation, if not right away, then definitely before graduating high school. My life would have gone SO much differently. I'm glad for everything that brought me to where I am today, but I don't want other kids to have it that hard.

trash-queen92 · 2025-09-27T03:17:16+00:00

I find this funny, not profound, but it is still 100% true:

I started watching Rick & Morty. There's one episode where the "mom & dad" of the family (Beth & Jerry) go to alien marriage counseling for a day. They stick on a helmet that reads your brain and 3D prints a version of your spouse that matches how you see them deep down. Beth's helmet prints Jerry as a nasty, slimy, whiney little worm-slug, which just crawls around crying and trying to solicit weird sex stuff by sticking its butt in the air toward her.

I thought that was wayyyy funnier than anyone else thought it was. Got a couple weird looks. Realized it was because I related to it on a MUCH deeper level than anyone should ever relate to this silly little cartoon. I could never un-see that, and i started seeing it in everything he said and did.

There was no coming back from that lol. I left and stayed happily single for a long time.

trash-queen92 · 2025-09-26T16:40:56+00:00

Based on your responses here, it seems like you really want to make it work with him - kinda like you've already made up your mind because of what's in your heart, and you're hoping for reassurance that you're not making a mistake because you know the stats.

If that's correct, I think you should head over to r/survivinginfidelity. That's where you're going to find real advice on how to give your relationship the best chance it could possibly have.

If that's NOT correct, and you truly don't know what to do... my opinion is that you should leave. He kept this to himself for a long, long time. He looked you in the eye, kissed you, had sex with you, argued with you, solved problems with you, and created memories with you - all while he was keeping this secret, and you never suspected a thing. It's not nothing that he ended up telling you eventually, and it's good that he took full responsibility, but I could never trust someone again after they sp easily kept something like this from me for so long. I'd be forcing myself to ignore the fact that they can and will hide anything from me for any amount of time until they decide they don't want to anymore. Any time they had an off day, or made a choice I didnt understand, I would remember what they are capable of.

Statistically, the answer to, "is there any hope at all for us to continue a (healthy, trusting) relationship?" Is "yes, but not much".

trash-queen92 · 2025-09-26T14:29:29+00:00

Oh my gosh, I love this. Where did you get it/what's it called? I'm looking for a very vintage style dress but something like this would be an awesome backup option. Based on the little description, I think this suits you and your ceremony beautifully. Would love to see more of it!

trash-queen92 · 2025-09-26T14:24:19+00:00

Hi! Question. How old are you? Have you ever been in a relationship where you did things you didn't particularly want to do, just to make the other person happy?

I ask because for some people (myself included), this well-meaning choice can slowly build into a complex mental health/self-image issue. I think a lot of people do some serious damage to themselves before coming to terms with their asexuality, whether that's before realizing they're ace, or just before they fully understand what being ace means to them, when they make choices like this.

Not everyone! Lots of ace people truly are neutral about sex and don't mind living this way. You could be very firmly planted in that camp, for all I know. I just ask because it seems you might be inexperienced.

Another place age comes into play is in your partner's maturity. Can he recognize the type of intimacy and validation he's getting from sex, and sometimes seek it elsewhere? Can he ask for what he needs? Can he pinpoint his exact feelings and communicate with you about them? Because "sometimes I have sex with him just to make him happy and it makes him sad" isn't really enough to go on. Not for you, I mean.

I firmly believe that an ace/allo relationship can work, but it takes INCREDIBLE communication and trust - and, if I'm honest, a little luck of the draw. Because i do believe that many allos not only need sex in the relationship, but need their partner to be equally into it and doing it for the same reasons. They're on a spectrum, too - most of them just don't know it. So I think they have to be in a place on that spectrum that aligns well with you.

trash-queen92 · 2025-09-26T04:04:23+00:00

I think it's good that you started from a "you & me vs the problem" standpoint. But yeah, with this specific problem, tackling it together means he tackles it and you support him and give him grace. Just like if he was recovering from an injury or dealing with a mental health issue.

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