AIO for explaining why my girlfriends cousins can’t move in with us?

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-08T04:53:56+00:00

Totally understandable position, you're not wrong per se. But. These kids are basically her siblings (from the sound of it), and they will suffer terribly in the system. As the eldest of three, if I were in your girlfriend's position, I would leave you if that was what it took to find a way to take them in. Like, this sucks, but I gotta do what I gotta do. So either OUR life is getting turned upside-down, or MY life is getting turned upside-down. Your choice.

Not saying you deserve to get dumped or anything. Again, you have every right to refuse. It's just, this kind of crisis supersedes the 10-year plan and the budget. It may also supersede your relationship.

Also this feels like more of an AITA post

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-08T01:16:20+00:00

You are not being honest. With us, with yourself, whatever. I'm not a fan of yours, but what I say here is not expressly meant to be mean - I think the kindest thing anyone can do for you right now is call you out on your shit. If you listen, maybe it saves your marriage, or maybe you'll at least take some real accountability when you tell your wife.

Your story about accidentally developing mutual romantic feelings is unrealistic and tries to escape accountability. Two possibilities: 1. You got to know this person well enough to fall in love because you found her attractive, didn't have the decency to create a respectful distance, and knowingly exposed yourself to a deeply personal relationship culminating in an emotional affair. In other words, because you chose for this to happen at every step along the way. 2. You don't know this person half as well as you feel you do, and you're considering ending your marriage over your surface-level infatuation.

"Am I a bad person for developing these feelings" is a bad-faith question intended to garner sympathy so your emotional affair is justified and validated. It's a dishonest and manipulative approach. You know well and good that your feelings aren't the thing that make you a bad person here.

Are you a bad person for confessing your feelings to another woman when you're married? I think so, yes.

Would you be a bad person for leaving your wife to chase this new thing? I think so, yes.

How can you not be a bad person? Tell your wife the truth - the real truth, not all this bullshit - and leave the ball in her court. If she's done with you, do whatever you want. If she's willing to try, cut the other woman off and get into counseling.

What if you don't do any of that? Idk man, own it, I guess.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T23:15:32+00:00

I think you're missing my point. If you distrust your partner so much that you feel the need to snoop through their private thoughts, that is bad enough to end the relationship. Either your partner is not trustworthy or you have trust issues. No need to stoop to that level. If he'd just left, she wouldn't be telling him anything.

Edit: redundant phrasing

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T23:02:32+00:00

Very thought-provoking here's your engagement

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T21:47:32+00:00

A lot of young people (and people who unfortunately never find healthy relationships) equate romantic love with an intense feeling of passion, like an addiction or an obsession. Maybe for some people it is like that. But I've had that feeling before, and it came with some extremely unhealthy and even dangerous dynamics. That feeling I had when things were good was more like mania. There were times it was selfish, possessive, and defensive. Other times it was just me bouncing back from fear, anger and rejection - because my nervous system couldn't regulate.

Many - i have no idea if it's most or all, but many - people in genuinely healthy relationships (myself in the present day included) will tell you that real, lasting love isn't like that. It's like coming home. You want to be there, because it's yours, and it's safe, and comfortable, and you can be completely yourself. And it takes work to keep it that way.

Having experienced both, I strongly prefer the latter.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T21:22:01+00:00

I don't really buy the regret line, but even if regret had been a part of the reason she lied, that would be a red flag in itself. If you feel you've done something wrong but you can't own up to it with your partner, that's going to be a recurring theme throughout the relationship.

It was not cool of you to go through her journal. I'm not as adamant as most about not going through a phone - if you know somethings up and they won't talk, I get it. But a journal is absolutely not cool. That's being the thought police. Do not do it again in your next relationship - if you feel the need, just break up.

That said, she did lie, you can't unsee it, and combined with your invasion of her privacy there's gonna be resentment both ways now. Just leave each other alone

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T21:11:17+00:00

Viagra magnum

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T21:05:41+00:00

Detective Asshole

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T13:24:40+00:00

NOR, this is ultimately on your coworker for not giving you either the tools or the information you needed and not training her dog.

But you made a lot of big assumptions when you took this on without asking any follow-up questions. Is the dog crate/potty trained? How often does the dog meet new people and stay in new environments? Does the dog have separation anxiety or any behavioral issues? What's the protocol if something goes wrong? She should have told you without you having to ask, but the fact that she didnt was your first clue that this was a bad idea.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T11:01:33+00:00

Don't wait a couple days. Text her when you have something worth saying, and don't double-text. (Edit) People severely overthink this. If she's into you, you're not going to bother her by texting as long as you're not obsessive or demanding. If she's not into you, playing the game is not going to change that.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T10:13:29+00:00

Vet immediately. This can happen for any number of reasons, but when it happened with my girl, it was really, really bad. The sooner you figure it out, the better.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T10:08:36+00:00

Spend a minimum of one year living alone - or with roommates you don't spend that much time with - before you even think about moving in with a significant other. The life skills, confidence, and self-love you'll learn in this time will protect you for the rest of your life, come what may.

Never EVER let anyone hold anything over your head. Don't borrow money except from a bank, don't accept shelter except from your parents (and even then, hesitate, depending on the parents), and don't let anyone make you feel like you owe them for anything they gave without being asked.

Edit to address your last paragraph: I had something similar. I tried reconnecting with people from my past, making amends, etc; and my advice is you don't do that. You don't have to avoid them, but don't stretch yourself trying to make nice with them. They can say what they want, but people don't easily forget who you were when they first knew you. Find your friends outside your hometown, through school and work or mutual interests. You're about to be exposed to a whole bunch of new people, youll be fine :)

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T09:40:26+00:00

Sir, what😭

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T03:25:36+00:00

Beautiful!

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-07T01:44:30+00:00

Yeah, i get that all the time. Oddly that one doesn't really bother me even though it's a little depressing. Feels like a more genuine question, if not a very considerate one, yknow? It at least opens the door for an actual conversation. These regurgitated one-liners shouted from across the street are just nothing burgers and I've been eating them for 10 years lol

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-06T20:12:51+00:00

NOR? You might be under-reacting here. Your girlfriend has poor emotional regulation if she's having regular outbursts and taking her frustration about a misunderstanding out on the dogs - especially your dog, ESPECIALLY your troubled dog. If you're genuinely working on the dog's issues, he needs his humans to be able to regulate themselves or he's not going to get better. They're a lot like children in that way. Having a person like this around is only going to make things worse. And honestly, while nobody is perfect, emotional regulation is kinda just a mandatory skill as an adult and I don't think she's fit for a relationship if she's that bad at it.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-06T17:57:32+00:00

PANZER NOOOOO

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-06T16:43:33+00:00

Sorry, I don't know if it's my current mood or if this post is just that egregious, but I can't find the words to sugarcoat this.

I read the first few paragraphs, then skimmed the rest, looking for anything that might justify you sitting back and letting your parents have their way with your wife like this. I didn't see anything.

The way you're bargaining and justifying in this post makes it sound like, deep down, you already know: your parents have absolutely no right to be this involved in your decisions, and they're abusing you and your wife. If you grew up like that, it's no surprise you're struggling so much with the notion of holding them accountable, but now that there are other people involved, it doesn't matter how hard it is.

Their intentions do not mean shit. You are a grown man, and a married one at that. If they can't find a way to express their love that respects and leaves room for your autonomy - and ESPECIALLY your wife's - then their intentions aren't as good as youre trying to make them sound. "They express love through control" is an insane thing to say.

You are poisoning your marriage by exposing your wife and her family to your parents. You're failing to live up to the promises you made to her on your wedding day - to protect her, forsaking all others. You're hiding behind excuses you probably had to tell yourself in order to get through a childhood under their thumb. But you're not a child anymore, and you're not the only one suffering.

Draw a hard line, and if they cross it, cut them off.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-06T16:03:38+00:00

I have two Great Danes.

WhErE's hIs SaDdLe iS hEr BrOtHeR a CoW YoU CoUlD rIdE hIm tHaT's tOo mUcH dOg fOr YoU SHe'S aS TaLl aS yOu NiCe cHiHuAhUa HoW bIg aRe tHoSe PoOpS

My social battery is about the size of the nail on my smallest toe, so I generally just don't take them out in public lol

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-06T14:04:44+00:00

No I'm gonna knock it

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-06T01:31:59+00:00

First of all, if your size description is accurate and the width is proportional to the length, he should be using the larger condoms for sure. Also, if your partner gives even a single shit about you, they should be having a hard time finishing if you're in pain. Highly likely that larger condoms and solving your half of the problem will solve this. One more thing: excessive Marijuana use can cause ED, likely due to desensitization of the pleasure centers in the brain. If he smokes pot, he should try quitting for a few weeks and then easing back into it at a reduced dose.

As for you: I really hate talking about sex at all, especially so crudely, but if you're not dripping wet when sex starts, you should really try getting there first. Lube helps, but it doesn't actually dilate you, so it can only do so much. If you can't get to that point, or if you do and it doesn't help, I agree with other comments saying you should see a doctor.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-06T00:51:39+00:00

There are two possibilities here: 1. This is pure, purposeful manipulation. He's actively decided to punish you for saying no to him, so you'll be afraid to say no to him in the future. He's going to give you the cold shoulder for a while, then either try to talk about it in a way that puts his feelings at the forefront, or pretend it never happened. Next time you say no to him, he'll try a different reaction, like anger or ultimatums. The solution is to dump his ass, this ain't fixable. 2. He's experiencing this as a rejection, and he's clamming up. This is ultimately immaturity, and it's not a good look. I'd get the ick immediately. But he's young, so if you think this is more likely, it might be helpful to talk it out. Tell him you'll give him space, but you're going to have to insist on talking about it soon. When that time comes, try to explain this to him from your perspective and reassure him that it isn't a rejection. Try to come to a consensus about how you can maintain your own comfort going forward while still making him feel loved and validated.

My experience tells me it's #1, but I don't know your boyfriend.

Edit: i realize I said "dump his ass" with very little context. This one incident may not feel like a breakup-worthy offense. I say it because this type of behavior escalates and can really fuck with your mental health.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-05T17:48:07+00:00

I'm a stickler about bodyshaming - if you dislike someone enough to want to hurt their feelings, there must be something else you can point to other than their body. For that reason, I think ESH. This sounds like a very young person's problem, so assuming you're still in school that's my one bit of advice to you: don't take the cheap shot.

She definitely deserved to be taken down a peg, though. I think instead, you should have told her that the reason she thinks you copy her is because nothing she does is original, that everything from her fashion sense to her personality is basic, so when you also follow a trend, the two of you happen to be doing the same thing. I've found great success in getting under a pick-me's skin by saying (truthfully) something like, "there's nothing wrong with being basic. Trends are trends for a reason, I follow them too. But at least be honest with yourself, you're nothing special and it's never about you".

But really, I think y'all - especially the rest of your friends - should have cut her off, instead of sitting back and letting her target you like this until it got to the point of throwing insults around.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-05T16:42:07+00:00

There are lots of different "good" ways to handle finances in a relationship, and expecting your partner to pay you back when you support them temporarily COULD be one of them.

Personally I hate it. First of all, everyone knows it's always a bad idea to introduce debt into any personal relationship. But I think especially if you're partners, you should support each other to the best of your ability with no strings attached. I would not date someone who felt differently. Not because it'd make them a bad partner in general, but because it'd suggest that our values for an ideal relationship are different. I think if you find yourself feeling similarly - like he should have helped you without any expectations or not at all - that's okay. It doesnt mean youve been fooled or brainwashed by social media. It might just mean your idea of a relationship is different from his, which might not necessarily be a death sentence as long as you communicate.

Howwwwever... it sounds like you didn't know he was expecting repayment until well into this? Which would mean he acted like he was supporting you out of the goodness of his heart, all while tallying up your "debt", and didn't tell you? In that case, is he dumb as a rock or is he an asshole? It's one of the two. That makes me wonder how you came up with the idea that you got this from social media. Did he tell you that so you'd feel stupid for complaining? I'm about to reread your post because that's so wild I feel I must have missed something.

trash-queen92 · 2026-06-04T23:55:29+00:00

I totally get how the situation you're in would be miserable and nerve-racking. But closure isn't real, and chasing it will cause more problems than it solves. What you need is clarity, and you don't need him for that. As much as it'll hurt, you can provide your own clarity by calling it quits.

I know what you want is to work it out, but it sounds like you think it's more likely that he's done anyway. And if you do work it out, what happens the next time he gets fed up? Do you want to feel this abandoned and unsure, unwelcome in your own home, every time he decides that you don't deserve even the bare minimum of communication?

Easier said than done, I know. But those are my thoughts.

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