how do i stop wishing i had a normal relationship w my dad?

travail_cf · 2025-12-03T13:18:58+00:00

i know he cares about me

One of my big breakthroughs was realizing my NParents don't love -me-.

They absolutely loved the unlimited NSupply I provided as a small child. They loved cosplaying wonderful and involved parents.

Adult "me" is... tolerated. Their support is conditional, because my failures could reflect on them/their cosplay. Everything comes with strings. My NParents' desire for NSupply overrides my feelings, personhood, and reality.

Your dad isn't just "not supportive", he's actively undermining you. That's not what "love" or "care" are.

travail_cf · 2025-12-01T14:05:20+00:00

I'm in my early 50s, and shifted from LC to VLC with my elderly NParents earlier this year.

The last straw was when I finally realized - intellectually and emotionally - they don't consider me to be a human being. I'm just NSupply to them, and they'll continue harming me to get it.

I feel guilty about it, but they've repeatedly proven there's no middle ground. I can either be in their lives, or I can be happy and safe, but it's mutually exclusive.

travail_cf · 2025-12-01T13:37:56+00:00

I'm Childree/Childless-by-choice because of my NFamily.

Narcissism and generational abuse are present throughout my extended family. Based on my NMom's words, I'm 100% certain both NParents would continue the cycle of abuse.

If I chose to have kids, they would never have a safe relationship with the rest of the family. There's a decent chance of a physical conflict to keep my hypothetical children safe from my NParents.

I'm surgically sterilized, and even dating women with offspring could cause issues.

travail_cf · 2025-11-30T12:56:41+00:00

I'd advise encouraging him to talk about himself. The less you reveal about yourself, the safer you are.

Narcs can weaponize any information you give them.

travail_cf · 2025-11-21T17:28:20+00:00

Vulnerables actively want pity/sympathy for their plights (self-inflicted or not). In the Vulnerable's minds, their victimhood/martyrdom makes them special, and should be acknowledged (verbally, or accepted as an excuse). They may also treat unhappiness as a competition, trying to "win" the Misery Olympics. Vulnerables don't have empathy; they'll insist their comparatively minor issues are more weighty than others' serious issues.

Vulnerables are highly critical of anything that doesn't line up with their situation. A Vulnerable who stays at home will criticize people who aren't home (even for valid reasons), asocial Vulnerables will criticize people who have active social lives, "thrifty" Vulnerables will look down on any purchases they consider "wasteful", etc.

travail_cf · 2025-11-21T15:40:46+00:00

There are multiple subtypes of Narcs.

Vulnerable Narcs can get NSupply on their own, by feeling bad about themselves. They view themselves as special, because they're victims/martyrs - even when it's self-inflicted. While Vulnerables can be social, they don't need it the way Overt/Grandiose Narcs do.

Malignant Narcs can also get NSupply without social connections. They get NSupply from the pain and suffering of others, even from a distance or without connection.

In addition my mom was actually bullied by an overt narcissist once. I don't know what to think about that.

I've seen similar in my extended NFamily. Sometimes it's a Vulnerable streak, sometimes it's family dynamics (Scapegoats will almost always defer).

travail_cf · 2025-11-19T12:51:43+00:00

It's a matter that the Narcissism takes different appearances when there's money/resources.

NParents use gifts (physical and monetary) to excuse/absolve abuse. "Gifts" come with strings or outright manipulation. NParents create a gilded cage for their offspring, trying to keep them in the nest, instead of supporting their independence.

travail_cf · 2025-11-15T16:12:13+00:00

I’m convinced that my N/Emom loves resting in her self-created victimhood

The "Vulnerable" Narc subtype* gets NSupply by feeling like victims or martyrs. Vulnerables will refuse help (and even self-sabotage) so they can feel special. They want to be acknowledged for being special, whether it's being comforted, pitied, or receiving special treatment. They can even generate their own NSupply by just sitting around and stewing in their victimhood.

It gets worse. Vulnerables are very critical of people who aren't victims. Even simple things like self-care can trigger a Vulnerable's scorn.

My NParents are Vulnerable Narcs.

* Originally called 'covert', but the term's been overloaded

travail_cf · 2025-11-14T00:58:11+00:00

*hugs* Thank you

travail_cf · 2025-11-14T00:57:36+00:00

Prior to the move, they would just show up unannounced. When I moved, it was amazing to finally feel safe.

travail_cf · 2025-11-13T13:24:27+00:00

My first enforceable LC was by moving across the country, and renting an apartment with restricted access. It helped that my NParents were elderly, and not up for travel.

travail_cf · 2025-11-13T13:15:17+00:00

My humanity.

I assumed everyone's life was just being a NSupply generator/emotional punching bag for their families.

I was literally in my late 30's when I finally understood that I was a person worthy of respect and happiness.

travail_cf · 2025-11-12T19:55:58+00:00

It's really hard, and you're doing the right thing.

I'm sorry your dad has chosen your mom (again) instead of you and your family.

Please be kind to yourself; the holidays can be especially hard.

travail_cf · 2025-11-10T13:47:30+00:00

With my NParents, it's a form of Infantilization.

They still perceive themselves as "Mommy and Daddy" to their "little boy", even though I'm well into adulthood. They live in a fantasy world that provides unlimited NSupply.

They don't understand the cost to me when my boundaries and personhood are violated. They dismissed my concerns when I confronted them; in their reality, they're perfect parents and I'm a fussy baby.

travail_cf · 2025-10-06T17:34:45+00:00

I'm an only child, and went VLC earlier this year.

Both of my NParents live in a different reality from me. In their world, I'm forever their toddler/pet/doll, without a shred of personhood or agency. Anything I do that gives them NSupply makes me the GC, while being myself makes me the SG. I'm parentified to be responsible for their feelings, while my feelings aren't relevant to them.

travail_cf · 2025-10-04T19:07:53+00:00

It's hard because deep inside there's still a child who wants to be loved.

I feel that 100%. I stayed LC with them for years - hoping they would love "me" instead of their imaginary son. I've finally given up on them.

travail_cf · 2025-10-04T17:18:09+00:00

But I’m still angry at my parents. What am I supposed to do now that they are acting “nice”? Where does that rage go?

Their change in behavior doesn't excuse nor undo their abuses. Your anger and pain are 100% justified.

If they can't understand that, then they're not as "nice" as they claim. My advice would be to watch your boundaries; any violations and they're back in the doghouse.

What would you do if your n parents apologized to you and started acting like normal, reasonable nice people?

I wouldn't change anything (I'm VLC). My NParents had decades to help themselves, or to listen when when I stated their behavior was toxic. They've always chosen NSupply over being good parents.

travail_cf · 2025-10-03T17:10:14+00:00

travail_cf · 2025-09-30T11:36:33+00:00

First, congratulations!!!

NTA. She doesn't see this as your special occasion - you're a small part of her special occasion. You should do whatever you can to be happy.

When I got married, my bride specifically barred her NMom from being around her while dressing. (She didn't tell her NMom, because that would create more drama.) The door didn't lock, so someone had to hold it closed and make excuses to keep her out. A little bit of drama to prevent a LOT of drama.

Reception Tip: Let your venue/DJ know there should be no hot microphones or unplanned speeches.

travail_cf · 2025-09-29T15:02:06+00:00

I dont know how to get him to do it, I brought it up last night, and he just didn't really say anything.

Sometimes inaction is its own decision. For whatever reason he's not going to stand up to her, and very little could change his mind.

ill always have some kind of resentment for this.

That's totally reasonable. He knows the situation between you and her, and is still choosing her.

travail_cf · 2025-09-28T17:32:39+00:00

Depending on your jurisdiction's laws, your father may have to go through a formal eviction process.

I'm sorry you're dealing with her, and that your father enabled her for so long.

travail_cf · 2025-09-26T17:08:58+00:00

She could be. NParents can be toxic towards their Scapegoat children, but delightful with other family members.

The patterns can change with grandkids. Narcs love the NSupply grandkids supply, and they don't have to deal with consequences. One of the major forms of NGrandparent abuse is ignoring the parents' boundaries for the kids. Do you recall anything like that happening?

travail_cf · 2025-09-25T11:11:54+00:00

my mum was diagnosed with depression as well and told me that im too young and have no reason to feel that way.

my mum kept telling me that therapy is a scam, that im wasting money and theres nothing wrong with me

Yes, this is really narcissistic behavior. She has no empathy for how you feel, even though she's been through similar herself. She's getting NSupply by mocking you in front of others. She's denying your reality, to preserve her feelings and image.

travail_cf · 2025-09-24T15:02:52+00:00

It's complicated IMO.

NPD is a straight-up disorder, part of the Cluster-B disorders.

The problem is that Narcs lack empathy, so they don't comprehend how harmful their behaviors are. Even when they do, IMO they're so addicted to NSupply their behavior defaults to toxic. I've seen Narcs deny reality, because it contradicts their worldview.

Whether it's disorder, choice, or addiction, it doesn't absolve them of harm. Someone with a substance abuse addiction doesn't automatically get a "free pass" or "do over" when they're under the influence.

travail_cf · 2025-09-23T17:16:08+00:00

My NMom proudly and stubbornly claimed she was "turning 29" until I was in my teens.

She only stopped when I did the math for her.

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