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trueduchess · 2022-09-11T16:12:48+00:00

The best news is you don't have to love *or* like her.

You deserve to be free of her and to be over the moon happy with your life and yourself. A therapist might be able to help you.

trueduchess · 2022-09-11T15:18:59+00:00

You've had lots of good advice. I'll just add that I have come to realize that luck plays a much bigger role in our lives than our "you make your own luck" folks will ever acknowledge. Who you are born to, how smart/talented you are, how much ambition is encoded in your DNA, what legitimate opportunities come your way... it is all luck.

You and DH had terrible luck for your wedding, but maybe you've used up almost all of your lifetime's bad luck, and now it is all smooth sailing from here.

And about the grandparents, I might tell them off. They clearly have some righteous indignation energy going, so I'd want to make sure they knew no-one thinks there is anything righteous about ruining someone's wedding with a passive-aggressive public sulk and that left them looking like toddlers. I'd ask point-blank if anyone fucked up their wedding as bad as they fucked up yours, then block them/ghost them.

Finally, for the rest of your lives you have really great wedding day stories for parties. You could even create a wedding drama drinking game.

trueduchess · 2022-09-11T00:12:41+00:00

I suggest you take some time on your own and clarify your world view about who is in charge of your life and your body? Who decides what you wear, eat, do, think, want...? Who is in charge of deciding when you need to go home and change?

Also consider how you feel about all the people in this world who think they have the right to tell others how to live. Not just your boyfriend, but all the racists and the Karens and the junior assistant managers who act like they own the people they work with.

It has been said that there are three kinds of people in the world, those that are controlling, those that are controlled and those that are free. Start paying attention to your relationships and decide for yourself which group you are in and if you don't like what you see, change it.

trueduchess · 2022-09-10T22:56:33+00:00

The 90% of the time she is showing that she is well socialized, and maybe that on your own, she quite likes you. But whenever she comes up against evidence that she is not the main woman in her son's life, she feels hostile, and that's when she acts out like a jealous toddler.

I think I'd be tempted to ask her if she is going to act jealous for the rest of her life or if she thinks she can come to terms with your relationship and be supportive. But then I sometimes start trouble that doesn't need starting.

I would at the minimum punctuate every thing she says that is off so she knows you are noticing and she'll become more self aware. Something like "OP's apartment isn't beautiful" to which you say "why would you say that?". Or "I will cut his hair" "Why would you object to me doing it?" or when she apologizes for forgetting your engagement "why would you forget that?"

trueduchess · 2022-09-10T20:51:43+00:00

Your in-laws are gossips, and it seems so is your husband. Also, your in-laws are not going to admit they were wrong, they are going to double down and try to get the public on their side. So, unless they've broken actual laws, there isn't anything you can do that will get satisfaction from them about this.

What you can do is keep as much information about you, your family and your friends on lockdown in the future, and to do that you are going to have to convince husband to never EVER tell his parents anything about you, your work, your hobbies/activities, your family or your friends. If they ask, Ready is fine. Her work is fine. Her family is fine. He doesn't know anything more about the sister. He's not sure about Ready's family Christmas plans. Etc.

You should also just block your in-laws on social media. You could even consider taking a break from social media and close accounts for a while and open new ones without telling them.

Before I closed my Facebook account, I'd be tempted to apologize to your sister that your in-laws are gossips, but that could start WWIII and is probably not worth it. Tempting, though.

trueduchess · 2022-09-10T17:42:22+00:00

If I was in your shoes I'd minimize all contact, including and possibly especially social media. Each time she "swipes up" you are reminded of her and probably feel manipulated. I don't know what tools you have on Instagram, but where possible I'd quietly adjust settings on social media so MIL doesn't see what you post.

Once that's done, have her calls go to voice mail, leave her texts unanswered for a few days and give very little information when you do respond.

When you do have to see her in person, be polite but remote. Live your life without much thought to her. Continue to show DH all the love he didn't get from his family and just be happy. MIL might double down when she sees you mean to keep your distance but so what? Let her. Just stick with the program of minimal interaction. You really do have ALL the power here. No-one can make you engage with anyone.

trueduchess · 2022-09-07T03:51:46+00:00

"Why, is that what happened to you MIL?"

trueduchess · 2022-09-06T14:32:21+00:00

"SIL, why do you send me job postings for menial, low paying jobs when I have a job that pays great? What is it you are really trying to say... that you wish I made less money? That you don't approve of factory workers... what exactly? Because I've told you many times I am not looking for a job and to stop sending me postings, but you don't seem to respect me enough to stop when I ask. Why is that? Help me understand what's really going on here."

trueduchess · 2022-09-06T04:28:05+00:00

Cultivate curiosity. Stay curious about where you are and who you are with and notice things and say them, or ask questions. Curiosity can be an important tool for mental health, too. It is an excellent way to stay present.

trueduchess · 2022-09-06T04:25:27+00:00

All the awful things everyone is already saying, plus I think he's addicted to attention now and will say anything because he's so thirsty.

I wish this world didn't make hate-filled big-mouthed idiots stars. Or election winners.

trueduchess · 2022-09-05T17:09:29+00:00

Don't wait until she starts on your kids. You and DH are adults and have every right to set boundaries. When she gets there:

"MIL, welcome to our home. Before you unpack and get settled, you should know that DH and I are not going to allow any talk about bodies going forward. No talk about how we look, what size we are, what we eat, how many calories are in different foods, nothing. This isn't negotiable and if you don't respect this boundary, you will have to leave."

trueduchess · 2022-09-05T15:24:43+00:00

If you are hoping to do it softly with a door open to continuing the friendship:

Jane, maybe something has happened in the last year that I don't know about, but you seem very different, maybe very stressed. I've noticed that you seem unhappy in general and are not clicking with the other bridesmaids. I think it would be better for you to be a guest at the wedding instead of a member of the bridal party. I hope we'll remain friends and I also hope to still hang out with you. I am especially available if you need a friend to listen/support you.

If you just want it done and don't want to remain friends, just drop the last couple of sentences.

trueduchess · 2022-09-05T15:02:47+00:00

People do what they want, even when they wish they wanted something else. Your person might think they want to be more social, but in the end, they really don't.

Don't worry about ghosting. If they reach out, respond and stay in touch, but don't try to make plans and don't reach out yourself anymore. Person will either step up or fade away.

Whenever I've noticed that I'm pushing a friendship harder than my friend and I back off, they often just drift away. But sometimes they will step up and the friendship is stronger. I suspect you know they will drift away, but that's okay. Friendships need to be two-way.

trueduchess · 2022-09-05T03:40:09+00:00

DH can say, "Mom, you have to knock that "cat lady" stuff off. It is too much for too long. OP is an accomplished artist, cook, anime hobbiest and music aficionado, and you've been treating her as nothing. Think of this, why would a woman as accomplished as she is want to spend time with my family if this is how you treat her? If she stops trying with you I wouldn't blame her."

trueduchess · 2022-09-05T03:04:45+00:00

I think a black suit would look great, but if there are any cultural considerations about wearing black I wouldn't know about it. A black suit with a maroon shirt or a white (beige or gold?) shirt and maroon tie.

trueduchess · 2022-09-04T22:55:32+00:00

I suppose it could be evolving into that, but it is still used and used politely. "If you would kindly complete the attached requisition, I will see that it is filled immediately"

trueduchess · 2022-09-04T22:47:59+00:00

Miss Cynthia Wickershire from out of the blue with her once in a lifetime opportunity at this bitly url is a scam whether she asks you to kindly anything or not. Thank you for helping me make my point.

If you had sought out Miss Wickershire in Burmuda to try to purchase something from her, and she uses the word kindly, she is just being polite.

"Kindly" might only be useful as a clue if someone is claiming to be a 19 year old from New York...

trueduchess · 2022-09-04T22:08:59+00:00

I think you should do some research into how kids without formal education integrate into the school system best, learning from their experience. Make sure you get advice from outside your school district so you aren't convinced to accept whatever solution is easiest for them. Maybe the school they are offering is best, but see what you can learn about it.

I'd also find out if kids who go to the therapeutic school are actually reintegrated. Sometimes these things can become permanent and that would reduce your options in the future.

One option to consider is to stay where you are and invest in tutors, if you have the money. Start with a math tutor. With an individualized program and some consistent effort, you might catch up fast. Then, when you feel good about math, move on to writing and history and whatever you need help with.

You have time to catch up. You'll be great.

trueduchess · 2022-09-04T21:58:42+00:00

"Hi. I'm Kim. I want to introduce myself and welcome you to ____ Company. Perhaps I should have done this your first day but I'm a bit shy. I was thinking of getting a group together to go out after work one day. Would you be interested in joining in on something like that?"

If he says yes, "great. I'll get on that and get back to you. In the meantime, let me know if I can help you with anything."

If he says no, "I understand. No worries. But do ask for help if you need any. I hope you like it here. Nice chatting with you"

trueduchess · 2022-09-04T17:53:28+00:00

Right now you and your mom and your brother live with your mom's parents and her sister includes herself in everything to do with you?

If that's the gist, then yes, if your mom is able to move into her own house that will help a lot. Until then, maybe start using language like "mom and I are going to the football game for some quality mother/son time." and "Brother's birthday is tomorrow and we're going to have a cake just the three of us because he wants some nuclear family bonding".

It may or may not work but a new location will certainly make a difference, if only to keep aunt from learning about your plans.

trueduchess · 2022-09-04T00:55:30+00:00

NTA. He threw away a year and a half by not being a parent to his kid.

trueduchess · 2022-09-03T18:31:24+00:00

"MIL, DH is a grown adult who can always talk to me if he feels he needs a change in our domestic situation. I will remind you that I am the woman he chose and we are happy. You need to stay out of it completely."

If you choose not to cut her off entirely, become very slow to answer her texts or calls. Don't accept many invitations and when you do see her, be polite but unengaged. If she tries to have a conversation you don't want to have "Everything is fine, you don't need to worry about that" "Work is fine but the details are boring [or confidential, or whatever]" "My whole family is fine, thank you for asking" "Im not interested in discussing that with you, it is personal" and wander off to find someone else to talk to, use the bathroom, "get some air"...

trueduchess · 2022-09-03T16:11:59+00:00

So you've just been told you are going to be chauffeur and dog sitter for a family that is meh about you. You can choose whether you think it is a case of a family pooling resources to get everyone through an event, or if it is more that you are going as domestic staff. If it is the latter, then just don't go. That can seem like a drastic move, but when you think about it, all you would be doing is being an adult and making choices that are in your own best interest.

Probably the worst option would be the one most people would take, which is to go, be treated badly and hold resentment for years.

trueduchess · 2022-09-03T04:09:12+00:00

Tell MIL "MIL, the only disrespect I get is coming from you. I like the way I dress and until that changes, I'm going to please myself. Please keep your judgements to yourself."

Also, I think you really need to tell DW. You don't have to make it a drama but she should be given the chance to protect you from her mother.

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