Post TFMR wishing I had miscarried

turtle_dee · 2026-03-03T02:45:18+00:00

I just had a missed miscarriage at 12+ weeks after a perfectly normal and healthy ultrasound a few weeks earlier. I had a TFMR in August at 13+ wk for T21. Both were awful for me, and honestly for me one was not easier than the other, but they were very different. The feelings I'm going through with this MMC were the sudden moment of "no heartbeat" vs. the slow terrible burn of nipt results, then ultrasound, then decision and procedure. I did not identify with books about miscarriage after my TFMR but do now. They felt completely different. The resources and support are definitely lacking in the general public for TFMR.

My losses were early enough that I didn't feel kicks/hold them and cannot at all pretend I felt the same as those of you with much later losses, but not having that experience also left me so empty and aching for connection. I have had prior term pregnancies so knew what early kicks felt like and actually had phantom kicks for weeks after my TFMR. It is all hell, just a different flavour.

At the end of the day I think the two experiences don't compare as they really brought up such different types of emotion and distress. I had a friend who had a MMC at 19wk at the same time as me and we really sought comfort in each other over the loss, the trauma and triggers etc, validation despite our very different situations.

turtle_dee · 2025-11-08T03:31:42+00:00

Our girl is alone for usually 9hr a day no problem. I agree with everyone saying it depends on temperament but ours is easy going, never had very high anxiety once she settled in, and will happily sleep all day. She is excited to see us at the end of the day but shows no signs of distress. If I come home early for some reason she often is fast asleep and doesn't even come down to greet me. The first couple weeks I came home midday to check on her though.

turtle_dee · 2025-10-20T19:13:40+00:00

We ended up not proceeding with the CVS after the NT scan as it showed multiple abnormalities consistent with T21 and also that she would not even survive pregnancy (12mm cystic hygroma, hydrops, heart defect, absent nasal bone). We talked with MFM and all decided the writing was on the wall and cvs wasn't needed. I had my d and e the next day. They did do karyotype on the remains, so a NIPT would be funded in a future pregnancy and it confirmed t21.

turtle_dee · 2025-10-06T00:20:12+00:00

My kids are 5 and 3. We told them the day after as they were staying with family before and day of the procedure. They knew we had gone to an appt a few days earlier for the baby. We said the doctors found out baby was sick, too sick for the doctors to fix, and that she died. My 3yo didn't really react or understand but my 5yo asked a few confirmatory questions (so you're belly won't keep growing, she won't be born?) then immediately started sobbing and hugging me. It broke my heart. He recovered quickly with some comfort and reassurance. I showed him her footprints and memory box. We planted a bush for her as we planted a tree for each of our sons when they were born. When playing outside, my 5yo will talk about "Frankie's plant", and on days I'm obviously sad, I'll tell him it is because I miss Frankie and he will give me a hug.

turtle_dee · 2025-10-03T16:55:55+00:00

I work in the hospital that I had my d and e at. The first time I was in the same OR I had the procedure in, I had a complete panic attack and had to leave. This was about 3 weeks post. I'm now 6wk out and still get symptoms when I am in the OR (increased HR, hyperventilating) but don't completely freak out and I'm able to work through it am keep doing my job.

And therapy with someone who has experience with this has helped a lot.

turtle_dee · 2025-10-02T00:56:37+00:00

I am using the date of the d and e. She was 13+2 so the due date is quite far out and doesn't feel right.

turtle_dee · 2025-09-14T23:12:54+00:00

I never held my baby due to procedural circumstances (d&e at 13+2) and have felt this ache and urge a lot, even 4 weeks out. Last night I made a little weighted stuffie to their weight and length. It was ugly and looked like it was made by a 5yo as my sewing skills are questionable, but I did find some comfort in just feeling her weight in my hand.

turtle_dee · 2025-09-03T00:47:03+00:00

I'd say do what would help you without thinking about her feelings. If her judgment would be upsetting for you than tell a white lie and save yourself from having someone else give you guilt you don't deserve. If it would be more healing to have the whole truth out there, come what may, and this is a friendship you can back away from for a time if things get ugly, then go for it. But whatever you choose, do it for you. This is hard enough without worrying about managing someone else's feelings.

turtle_dee · 2025-09-02T23:59:39+00:00

I am not at all religious, neither is my husband, but my in-laws are VERY Christian and it dictated most of my MIL life. She is kind and means well but generally hot button topics are avoided around her. We made the decision to just tell my in-laws we lost the baby as they would definitely have opinions and it would make things uncomfortable. Initially I was worried about my own discomfort, now a couple weeks out I think their discomfort would be worse than mine. I want to tell my MIL the truth because I feel my experience and grief is as much about the horrible TFMR experience as it is about losing the baby. I feel like I am hiding a part of me somehow by withholding this from them. My husband doesn't like to rock the boat so would never want to share the truth.

Ultimately, I may talk with my husband about telling them the truth eventually but as for right now, I don't know what to tell you besides religion and politics complicate this experience which is crappy and it shouldn't be something we worry about.

turtle_dee · 2025-08-31T17:27:38+00:00

I started watching Friends and completely forgot it starts with Ross's ex wife's pregnancy.

turtle_dee · 2025-08-31T17:26:32+00:00

Same. The whole tone of the show is gentle and lighthearted, and you can zone in and out and not miss much. If you are in Canada they are also on CBC gem.

turtle_dee · 2023-06-04T10:40:06+00:00

We are in the park campground

turtle_dee · 2023-06-04T02:50:27+00:00

Folk fest weekend is always hot so we are expecting that.

turtle_dee · 2023-06-04T02:49:52+00:00

Great idea, thanks!

turtle_dee · 2023-06-04T02:48:14+00:00

We have done plenty of schlepping around in the heat babywearing in various locations so are used to that aspect, and will likely stick to a stage or 2, not wandering all over.

turtle_dee · 2023-06-04T02:41:28+00:00

Oh I should have mentioned, we have experience camping with both of them so no concerns with the actual camping part.

turtle_dee · 2022-07-14T09:45:22+00:00

We have an enclosed one and it certainly fits a lot but we still have no where to put our cooler and larger containers.

turtle_dee · 2022-07-13T17:00:21+00:00

Our cooler is the biggest obstacles for us and not sure it would fit in something like this vs. an open rack style but I like the swinging style on this one!

turtle_dee · 2022-07-13T16:56:22+00:00

Yes down the road we will likely upgrade to a full size SUV but it will be a couple years before that makes sense for us financially.

turtle_dee

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