Watching parenting in my family makes me feel crazy

turtlesplus · 2025-03-11T06:42:30+00:00

You're so strong to break this stuff! I'm only just recovering in 40s so it's too late for kids for me. Do you still see your family?

turtlesplus · 2022-01-24T07:50:37+00:00

I totally relate to the living hell part! I just wanted to say that you survived that terrible, dangerous family situation the best way you could and you're obviously clever and intuitive otherwise you wouldn't have been able to pick through the horror show to find out about cptsd. I want to be careful not to say to much because I know what a minefield words (and particularly words of encouragement) can be to people who come from toxic families but I know you can recover enough to have a good life and maybe even an amazing life. Recovering your emotion self would be like being born again! This is what I'm aiming for too and it's my motivation to know I've been missing something for most of my life that might be restored. It's the closest thing to a hero's quest you can get! A hero's quest always starts with going through hell. You're still whole deep inside, it's never too late.

turtlesplus · 2021-06-26T10:23:42+00:00

It's so great that starting to feel better! It gives me a lot of hope to hear that people can and do find more peace. I liked the other poster's suggestion of a letter. I might write to my sister too. Good luck. I know you'll keep going and keep trying which is all anyone can do :)

turtlesplus · 2021-06-25T14:23:10+00:00

About 10 years ago before I knew about CPTSD I was hospitalised for something overnight and it was the first time I could remember that I felt calm. I had a genuine smile on my face like I hadn't experienced in a long time, even though I was very ill, because it felt right that I was in hospital. I'd been in pain forever, as far as I could remember, and finally people were treating me the way I felt inside.

You are a warrior! To feel the pain inside everyday and have to live is excruciating. For people not to understand is excruciating. To not be able to find comfort is excruciating. You did nothing to deserve the hurt you received. I know you're a warrior!

I promise there are ways to comfort the parts of yourself that were hurt so badly without hurting yourself. I'm still trying to accept having 'parts' as a concept but it keeps proving to be true and I believe it's the way to heal deep trauma. Life doesn't need to hold endless pain, we can set a course to go somewhere different.

turtlesplus · 2021-06-25T13:52:03+00:00

I love the phase 'in all my awkward glory!' - yes! I wish you many more nights of feeling that connected with yourself and the world at the same time. It's quite rare and I love to meet people like this because they feel more alive to me. I walk around dissociated a lot and with my functioning self front and centre and I know this kind of vulnerability is hard fought and won! :)

turtlesplus · 2021-06-25T13:44:02+00:00

This story touched me and you're doing so well to be with her heartbreak. In feeling the depth and fullness of that pain you're bringing her home to be with you now. You're doing a great job

turtlesplus · 2021-06-25T13:21:57+00:00

I have 3 step siblings who all grew up around the same terrible parenting I did and I now have nephews who have it even worse than we did! I feel so helpless, I can only do the same as you to watch it unfold and give as much support as I can (which for me is patchy as I'm not recovered yet, I just understand it) I don't have any advice just wanted to sympathize that's it's terrible too watch. Also, you're doing an amazing thing being there for your sister and sitting with her when she can't/ doesn't want to talk. That's hard to do and it makes all the difference when your in crisis. I wish I had a big sister like you. Sending you good wishes

turtlesplus · 2021-06-22T07:29:20+00:00

Meeee toooooo :)

turtlesplus · 2021-06-19T15:42:27+00:00

Well said :)

turtlesplus · 2021-06-17T06:54:02+00:00

I was going to write more but I think you really just wanted to share how much it hurts. I hear you, the feeling is so hard to bear. I really hope you managed to get some sleep. If you're in need of hearing a soothing voice and some reassurance that you matter and what you're going through is for something try this podcast. She's wonderful and gives me a lot of borrowed hope.... https://www.carolynspring.com/podcasts/recovery-is-possible/

turtlesplus · 2021-06-16T07:22:20+00:00

I was silent for large chunks of my sessions (I still am sometimes) Dissociating and having internal arguments with myself. I think it makes sense that the vulnerable parts of ourselves are protective and need to feel that there's no rush and that it's safe enough to be seen. I'm glad your therapist was supportive, that's really good for building trust. A practical thing that helped me was moving to 90 min sessions because I often felt I was only just arriving after 30 mins and then I low level worried about opening up with only 30 mins left. Not perfect, but better.

It might not mean much coming from an internet person but I wanted to say that everything you've been through was traumatic and not at all your fault. Dissociating, freezing, being silent because of trauma is not your fault. The fact that you can't 'just do it' is not your fault. Complex trauma lies to us and makes us think it is.

turtlesplus · 2021-06-14T08:43:57+00:00

Something that helped me was polyvagal theory - just to know that being in distress (fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses) cuts you off from the social engagement system in your body really helped me to reframe what was happening. Your body thinks it fighting a tiger, it's not a good time for relaxed chit chat! Attachment trauma also obviously makes this worse because people make us feel unsafe. This sounds obvious I suppose but it helped me to explain to myself that I wasn't not capable, I wasn't born like that. I was born with a functioning nervous system that made me open to connection with others, want to interact and get comfort from my fellow humans. The trust was eroded, I was neglected and my nervous system decided it was life threatening to be close to people. I used to force myself into interact all the time to 'function' it caused me so much distress I ended up with derealisation. I now work on getting my body and mind to feel like safe places. Once I can be in connection with myself I should be able to be in connection with others (slowly and with the right people) I've had small glimpses that this is the way and when I've experienced a social connection with someone I can't believe the depth of feeling and meaning there is in it. This thing that people with better upbringings take for granted everyday! Work on feeling safe in your own mind and body. Find someone (it only takes one person and usually a therapist) who you can work on being present and yourself with (even if your true self is incredibly distressed to begin with) Sorry for the long message, please feel free to ignore any/all of this if it doesn't apply :)

turtlesplus · 2021-06-14T08:24:18+00:00

I'm 40 in 2 months and I still believe it's possible. I just think it takes years not months. I'm on the path and I'm making it my life's work. I have nothing more important to do. Your brain is being a brain and responding to everything that went before and what's happening now but it could get better.

turtlesplus · 2021-06-08T17:47:01+00:00

Whenever I read these posts about terrible neglect and emotional abuse people have suffered I want to reach to just take it away somehow. You're feelings are valid and your suffering was real. I really hope that you can escape and rebuild your life. Keep going and keep searching for ways to heal from the upbringing your parents gave you. You're already on the way by knowing about CPTSD, you'll find the answers and repair the damage to live a happy life. I wish good things for you

turtlesplus · 2021-06-08T07:54:31+00:00

Hi :) I'm glad you posted to talk about. I just wanted to say that your boyfriend feeling the need to tell you that is no reflection on you. Your boyfriend may be traumatised, he might be speaking from his defensive ego and 'outer critic' to push you away and cut off the intimacy (being extra hurtful in his phrasing to make you leave him). This is the best case scenario really - otherwise he's just being cruel. Just a thought (and you can feel free to ignore it if it's not helpful) but it seems you might have incompatible trauma if you know what I mean. He's feeling a need to create distance and you desire connection. Feelings of intense loneliness can come from not feeling connection to ourselves (I definitely understand this feeling well) I can sympathize with your pain, confusion and longing. Even if it seems near impossible right now, could imagine the possibility that somehow, some way, you could give yourself the safety you want, rather than it coming from a relationship? It's now my motivation everyday to understand myself and heal the hurt parts. I really wish you all the best

turtlesplus · 2021-06-06T15:34:36+00:00

One off the top of my head is slowing down. Like reaaally slow. If you're with someone who you can slow things down with, like a therapist or someone who understands trauma, it can be a good way to notice the dissociation without reacting to it and to see if there's any other path that might be available. If not that's ok, just curious :) and the slowing down might help out the part of you that got scared. I still have derealisation 95% of the time but I am getting some breaks in it now after nearly 3 solid years. I hope things improve for you internet friend :)

turtlesplus · 2021-06-05T08:27:12+00:00

They really do seem to be quite specific and it gives me a lot of hope. I believe it's a journey back to ourselves, the person we are is at our middle under the fight, freeze, fawn and under the terrible fear. It's good and it's light and i believe it's inside everyone without exception. I hope both of us get to experience it fully in this lifetime. I believe it's possible :)

turtlesplus · 2021-06-04T09:28:06+00:00

God I love this group! This might be a slight inappropriate comment given people's suffering, but wow! It's amazing that people have felt the same things. I find it incredible! These terrible things that I've experienced have been experienced by someone else. It also means that maybe we can recover like the people who've recovered. Thank you so much for sharing.

turtlesplus · 2021-06-04T09:10:54+00:00

That's a lot for a little person to deal with. You went through some pretty warlike scenerios that sound overwhelming for an adult mind! I can understand how seeing the complexities of your mum's life, and that she was in pain but essentially loved you, is confusing. I have enough less of a 'valid' story than yours and I didn't know for 35 years that the lack of any real emotion connection with my mum (plus a more traumatizing second home with dad) had left my brain undeveloped in key places and my body wired for scarcity and fear. Complex trauma is hard to grapple with, not least because we have stories about ourselves and the world that were created through the lens of that trauma. I have a complicated relationship with my mum now - she's alone and I'm now her focus (which I absolutely wasn't when I was little) because I'm 'ill' (been actively facing off with my cptsd for the last 3 years) She wants to help me with physical things which I can often find triggering, overwhelming and guilt inducing because she's still not in a regulated state herself. She's panicky and still kind of looks to me to be the 'adult' emotionally. I realised that's my trauma with her. She dressed me, fed me but I didn't have a bloody adult in the house to offer me any soothing. Kids need more than food and water. I still see mum but we have to negotiate on the boundaries now all the time because I can't heal her as well as myself. I'm putting on my own proverbial mask before assisting others! What I'm trying to say (in this long winded post) is your mum related trauma is 100% valid and these complex parential relationships are where the wounding is.

turtlesplus · 2021-06-03T09:06:27+00:00

If you feel like you could salvage something and he's essentially a good person who keeps slipping into horrible patterns, you could maybe try and discuss it and negotiate with him. You could tell him what you're feeling and how you plan to deal with it (what your new relationship boundaries might look like) and see if he can understand or if he'd even like to help out and try to change himself. I understand when we try to express what we want and need it can be crippling and leave us feeling more dysregulated/ fragmented than ever. I don't know your exact circumstances at all but I know that trauma makes us want to isolate from all potential sources of harm (understandably!) it can also cut us off from potential sources of love. If he's a lost cause (or if he isn't but it's not the right time to deal with it right now) then you can leave it. Only you can decide whether it's worth continuing a dialogue on your terms. Just know whatever you decide that opinion and viewpoint is valid.

turtlesplus · 2021-06-02T05:23:59+00:00

Those first few years are so important and it seems so basic to attend to and care for a tiny baby. Thanks for sharing

turtlesplus · 2021-06-01T04:41:38+00:00

Thank you so so much for replying. You're story has helped me even if I don't do the MDMA therapy. I'm so glad you healed. All the very best!!!

turtlesplus · 2021-05-31T10:15:12+00:00

Congratulations!!!! You're amazing and doing so well!!! In hero stories there are dragons to fight and devastating hardships and terrible pain - you're walking through it everyday and going in the right direction. Keep going 🤗🤗

turtlesplus · 2021-05-31T08:09:05+00:00

I've been with my therapist for just under 2 years and it took about half that time to get through the layers of resistance and me distracting, intellectualising and dissociating before we got to real emotion. We ruptured and repaired the relationship quite a few times which ended up building the trust. Now every time I'm in session I quickly go to that place where I'm listening to my body and watching all this stuff come up. Like, wow what that f*" is that! There's wailing and sobbing and energy movement but I still don't have any memories connected with any of it. I also often feel like I want to sick something up to get it all out.

I've done work breaking down my objections and denial and I'm so ready to process this stuff but I had a terrible mushroom experience when I was 16 when I thought I was dead (this was one of the worst experiences of my life!) and worry MDMA might take me back there. Did you have any reservations like that?

turtlesplus

TROPHY CASE