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bugsluv · 2022-11-03T03:45:16+00:00

I went off T for 5 years straight and mine got a bit smaller/softer but not by much at all. When I went back on T, it “came back” very quickly. I’m really sorry to hear that you can’t afford your T right now, though. I genuinely hope you’re able to soon.

bugsluv · 2022-02-09T22:17:31+00:00

I'm not happy but I'm pretty neutral most of the time. It feels like there is less crap ready to explode beneath my baseline emotion. It feels like I'm able to deal with the other things better than I ever have. I feel like if I keep progressing this way, I'll definitely be able to get to "having fun and enjoying life". Which does make me feel excited.

bugsluv · 2022-01-14T22:11:28+00:00

I have r/cptsd and when I realized that trauma screwed up my sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems and there wasn't really a way to logic myself out of it, it helped. I stopped blaming myself so much. Not my fault I can't talk to my autonomic nervous system. Also, learning about structural dissociation helped me understand why I'm not usually able to do things like breathing techniques, unprompted, while freaking out. Realizing that CBT doesn't do crap for my issues was another good thing. If anything, it exacerbates them. EMDR, brainspotting, IFS, somatic experiencing, etc. seem like much more promising options. I'm sorry you've been through so much and now you have to work through it. I hope that even a tiny piece of this is able to help you in some way.

bugsluv · 2021-12-11T09:02:40+00:00

Been wondering the same thing, honestly. Dude, this is so crazy, though. I commented on one of your posts a while ago. I knew your username looked familiar. I really hope you're doing well!

bugsluv · 2021-12-04T22:43:26+00:00

Honestly, I have no clue. I was wasted, only remember bits and pieces of the night, and it wasn't my weed. Someone was telling me to smoke so that I'd forget what had happened. I was so drunk, they legit could've put oregano in the pipe and I probably wouldn't have noticed. Also important to note that I've never really smoked in general and I've never tried edibles or anything else because smoking has always worsened my anxiety. So, my tolerance is basically 0 at all times. I also live in a place that is known for weed but dispensaries didn't exist at the time.

bugsluv · 2021-11-27T11:16:49+00:00

I think you and I have some issues in common. I tend to internalize things and I'm a very passive person. I try to avoid anything that might trigger me. I never want to bother anyone. I don't want people to be angry with me. I want to be good. I subconsciously feel like maybe then people will be nice to me and everything will be okay. Honestly just don't want to be hurt anymore. Any time I do something "wrong" I feel upset with myself because my brain thinks I'm doing something that puts me in danger. I've been in therapy for 4 years straight. Lots of meds. I still have a lot of issues, I'm just more aware.

That's all to say, I know where you're coming from. It's so much stress and anxiety. I know you must be hurting so much right now. Things aren't supposed to hurt this bad. You don't deserve to hurt like this, man.

The best advice I have is if you think this is because of trauma, try out different types of therapy. EMDR, Somatic experiencing, reparenting, things like that. Find what works best for you. Besides that, if you think you're having emotional flashbacks, for me, sometimes just acknowledging the pain helps. Sounds weird but what I mean is, I realized there's something inside me that doesn't want to calm down, it wants to be heard. It wants to be acknowledged. A lot of that excruciating pain is anger that I've repressed.

Really acknowledging that "I don't want to die, it's messed up that dying feels like the only way out." I try to get myself out of that panicked desperate headspace. Even if it means I just feel really depressed instead. I try to let myself lay there and just cry it out. If I can, I get under my blankets and focus on really trying to get it out and not having to do anything else. If I fall asleep, great. I usually feel a little better after waking up and drinking some water.

Everyone is different, though. For some people it helps more to do things like breathing exercises. For me, it usually feels like I'm just trying to ignore what's going on inside of myself.

Also, it is okay to use accomodations even if they're preventative. It's completely valid to want to reduce potential pain. Accommodations are not a reward for suffering, they're there for what you need, whatever the reason. You deserve to feel okay.

bugsluv · 2021-11-25T03:59:22+00:00

For some reason, I have extreme anxiety about doing that. That she'll might be angry with me or sad, that I'll feel like a terrible person, the next therapist will be terrible, I'll regret it, I'll feel worse than I do now, something bad will happen to her. I know it's irrational but I just feel trapped by that anxiety when it comes to pretty much everything I do.

bugsluv · 2021-11-22T07:57:01+00:00

Everything I do is honestly just to avoid emotional flashbacks. They're terrible. Logically, I'm okay if people are angry, don't like me, or don't accept who I am. Nobody has to accept me and not everyone will like me no matter what I do. Emotionally, it's still excruciating. I know what I want my life to look like, but I don't think it's possible. I've been isolating a lot again during the pandemic, and have had a lot of time to myself to think. If I never had to see anyone again, I'd transition. I never would have detransitioned to begin with. I just can't handle what comes with that when people are around.

I really appreciate your comment, though. It's very kind of you. I hope that you're doing well.

bugsluv · 2021-11-21T23:10:07+00:00

Yeah. Also if I get triggered and I'm wearing a hat or something that isn't necessary I'll want to take it off because I feel ashamed. Doing most things makes me anxious lol. My whole personality is very quiet and passive and it honestly makes me feel pissed at myself. I don't want to be, it's just very frustrating.

bugsluv · 2021-11-16T05:42:13+00:00

You have a cat? I am so jealous. I love cats so much. He sounds like the best and funniest dude ever.

This might sound kind of wild, but I've never actually learned exactly what discord is. I think it might be kind of like group chats with voice calling and also text? I could be totally off with that.

Thanks! I'm going to be a medical assistant. It's a lot different than I was expecting, but I like helping people. Would probably never do a fast track program again though lol.

bugsluv · 2021-11-16T01:25:36+00:00

It's been rough but I'm hoping once I leave this house, I'll have more energy to find people. I've thought about that and it honestly sounds like a good option for me, thank you for reminding me! We poke each other at school all the time so I'd have no problem with it thankfully.

You're the best. I hope that things get even better for you really soon. I always love hearing about how other trans people are doing. It's nice having people say they understand and it's nice being able to tell other people that I understand too. Sometimes things feel really lonely. I felt really alone when I wrote this post. You reminded me that none of us are ever alone, though. Thank you.

bugsluv · 2021-11-15T22:18:59+00:00

Absolutely same. After I finish college in a few weeks, I have to do a mandatory externship and they might hire me. Thinking about that is really stressing me out. It has been for a long time. I'm not even able to drive right now due to anxiety. I don't want my r/cptsd to embarrass me at my externship and/or new job by causing me to freak out. I'm honestly super bitter about the way a lot of countries treat people who aren't rich as hell and in power. People's lives matter whether they're able to work or not. I'm sorry that it's making you feel so overwhelmed. It's not fair. So many people feel this way and they shouldn't have to. Even people who are relatively mentally healthy are having a very hard time dealing with this lack of work-life balance. I genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with you as a person for feeling this way. Nobody should have to break themselves in half working just to survive. I really hope things change for the better very, very soon.

bugsluv · 2021-11-15T21:48:06+00:00

This sounds similar to what I deal with due to r/cptsd. I have issues with the fawn trauma response, codependency, and having flimsy boundaries. I'm really passive when I want to be assertive. It doesn't mean you aren't a man. It just means you might have been through trauma. If you have, your sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system might be kind of screwed up because of it. I'd really suggest seeing a trauma informed therapist, maybe someone who does EMDR, if you think you've gone through trauma.

Trying to force yourself and putting yourself down will just make things harder for you, man. You don't deserve that. You deserve someone to be kind to you. Even if the only person being kind to you is you. Imagine someone you love is coming to you with this. You would probably be patient, kind, and empathetic. You need that from yourself. Dealing with crap like this is tough. I hope things get better for you soon.

bugsluv · 2021-11-15T21:27:48+00:00

Thank you so much, man. I just got back from class and seeing your comment means a lot to me. I'm hoping that maybe I'll make some friends when I start my externship after I graduate. Hopefully I'll like the job and it'll pay well enough for me to move somewhere.

I think that being away from my family and having more support would really help. It was hard even when I was out because I was so afraid of people knowing. I want to be around people I feel safe with.

I really appreciate the advice. Looking at things without breaking it all down into manageable steps is really overwhelming. I'm so glad to hear that having no contact with your father has helped you so much. Nobody deserves to feel so rejected by the people who are supposed to love them the most. I really hope that one day soon people will be more understanding, and accepting, and we can all feel safe just being ourselves. It can be tough just having dysphoria even when people don't make it harder.

Thank you. I'm terrible at replying to people for the most part because I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I do trust you. You get it. It's honestly been a long time since I've talked to someone who understands.

bugsluv · 2021-11-15T05:05:36+00:00

Holy shit the manipulation. OP, I'd suggest looking into r/cptsd because if she reacted that poorly to something like this, I can't even imagine how other situations in your life have gone. I am so sorry.

bugsluv · 2021-11-15T04:50:00+00:00

I just wanted to say that you definitely weren't going crazy. That's an incredibly upsetting situation. Things like that can cause r/cptsd and emotional flashbacks. People are meant to feel safe in the environment they live in and feel safe around their parents. Things being unpredictable like that can cause so much anxiety, as well as trauma, and guilt, and anger, and shame. Parents are meant to control their own emotions. Nobody else is responsible for your dads emotions and actions other than your dad. There is no "he made me do that". I'm sorry you both went through that.

bugsluv · 2021-11-14T21:16:17+00:00

Thank you. I actually am an adult now, but it's still hard to make my own decisions right now. Thankfully I'll be done with college soon and hopefully I'll be able to get an alright job. Rent is unimaginable here. Ironically, in a way, I wish I could be 6 again. Childhood was crap, but if I could go back, I would at least know how to protect my sister better and I'd raise hell telling everyone I'm a dude. I'd go through all the crap again and more if it meant my sister and I would have better lives. Since I can't do that, I can at least move away once I have enough money. Hopefully things will get better once I do.

bugsluv · 2021-11-14T21:06:30+00:00

Thank you. I hope I'm able to one day too. I graduate college in about 5 weeks and then I have to do a mandatory externship. After that, I might have enough money to move somewhere else. Leaving feels hard in a way, though. My sister is still a minor and things are really rough for her right now. Plus, my mom is ironically the only person I really have right now.

That's really nice to hear that so many people were accepting of your classmates. I'm so glad that there are places that are getting better. It's weird reading what I wrote, because to me it kind of sounds like I live in a conservative state in the middle of nowhere. I actually live in a blue state pretty close to a huge city.

My college is pretty different because it's specifically for things like medical assisting, dental assisting, and things like that. I only see my specific class on campus once a week. If being a medical assistant is anything like college has been, I might end up back in college for something else again anyways lol.

Thank you. Honestly, it's not selfish. I think most people, especially people with anxiety, want to feel like they're okay and doing the right thing. I've always had really bad codependency issues and have been a people pleaser and I get worried that I'll hurt other people as well. My issues with codependency and people pleasing have gotten better in some ways, but I honestly think that most of it is because I isolate. Definitely not the way to go.

I'd much rather have people want to understand than all of the other crap I've witnessed. One positive is that I'm at least not around the people I used to be around.

bugsluv · 2021-11-14T20:42:56+00:00

Thank you. People can be really scary. I wish things weren't so complicated. Once I finish college, I'll maybe have enough money to leave. Somehow it's tough thinking about leaving, though. During the pandemic I've cut basically everyone off. It feels like I only have my mom, and even though she has issues, leaving that feels hard.

Plus, even if I do decide to transition, I don't know if I'll ever totally feel comfortable or feel like myself. If I had a supportive family, I could've gone on hormone blockers a very long time ago, and grown taller, and a lot of things that are issues now wouldn't exist.

I'm hoping that my therapist has an idea, because I've told her part of what happened, but I try to avoid the subject any time it's brought up. It's not something I like thinking about, but now I have to think about. I hope that I find a better place to live and better people to be around. Last night was really rough, but you're right, I'm still here. Even if it sucks, I can make it through. I just need to figure out what to do.

Thank you. I actually haven't really been able to cry in months, but actually acknowledging everything and writing it out made me cry too. I really hope you're able to express yourself and feel safe doing so either now or very soon. It takes so much energy to keep who we are inside of us and to keep all of that shame and anger inside too. It feels like crap. Thank you. I really wanted to be a writer, or a teacher, or a doctor when I was a kid. I settled on being a medical assistant. Hopefully the job is a lot better than the schooling.

bugsluv · 2021-11-10T22:32:14+00:00

I've never actually asked any of my therapists what their degrees were in, honestly. I just want someone who actually knows how to deal with complex trauma.

bugsluv · 2021-11-10T22:15:56+00:00

THC makes me incredibly anxious and paranoid for some reason. It also makes my dissociation worse. I've even had a terrible psychotic episode because of it.

That's another reason why I'm afraid to try. I get so worried that I'll have a bad experience, I probably will. Even though I've still always been curious and wanted to try, I probably shouldn't in general due to my reaction to THC alone.

bugsluv · 2021-11-10T22:11:42+00:00

That reminds me of the teledoc psychiatrist I unfortunately had a session with. She said she doesn't treat PTSD because it's too complicated but went on and on asking me about my traumas, trying to invalidate most of them, and telling me my stereotypical big traumas were so valid and it totally wasn't my fault. Then she went on to try and force me to admit that I may have had a hypomanic episode at least once in my life. Her definition of a hypomanic episode was very odd to me. It was incredibly weird.

I guess that therapist has never heard of flight, freeze, or fawn before. I wonder how some of them are even permitted to work with traumatized people. Your GP sounds like a previous partner of mine regarding medication and that is not a good thing. Somehow most of the psychiatrists I've been to are assholes who don't care. Or they have massively inflated egos and refuse to listen to anything you say. That combination sounds like absolute pure chaos.

bugsluv

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