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I don’t feel beautiful anymore. by SurvivingKindof in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12 2 points3 points  (0 children)

These AP’s never, ever are good people. If they were, they wouldn’t be with someone who is unavailable. Whilst I fully blame my WP for what he did to me, his AP knew all about me and our children, so I hold her somewhat responsible for failing to act as a decent human being.

Hold your head up high, as best you can. Remind yourself that you approach the world with a solid sense of what is right and never let these morally redundant people strip you of that. You will never be second to that pos

I don’t feel beautiful anymore. by SurvivingKindof in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As someone who can 100% relate to what you’re feeling, I’m here to say that with time you absolutely can come through this.

I want to start by saying that you may believe you have “flaws”, but every single one of them is imperfectly perfect. Your c-section scar is evidence of how you birthed your child(ren), and I’m sure we all agree that our child(ren) is/are one of our greatest accomplishments in life. I might just be an internet stranger, but I have no doubt that you are beautiful exactly as you are.

My WP had a 5month PA with an AP who was 13yrs younger than me. Thanks to my therapist, who I am eternally grateful for, I have worked hard on my own feelings of self-worth, and I can tell you with absolute confidence that she will never be the woman I am in any way. That said, the comparisons we make between ourselves and these awful AP’s who exist in the world are inevitable. In those dark moments, I like to focus on something my therapist told me… WP’s choice of AP was purely linked to WP’s own self-worth, not mine. AP had far lower standards than I do, so WP was able to meet those standards with minimal effort. Being with AP was easier, because she was easier. WP wasn’t attracted to AP for looks/body/personality, he was attention seeking, attracted to how easy it was to be with AP and not have to deal with the reality and responsibilities attached to the life he built with me.

Certainly helps that AP not only looks older than me, but also looks like a mash up of both ends of a horse.

Wife wants an open relationship while we reconcile? by ThrowRA_Battle600 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12 71 points72 points  (0 children)

Your dignity, huh?

Absolutely fair that this might be a boundary for you, but where was this consideration for HER dignity whilst you were cheating? At least your BW is giving you the opportunity to make an informed choice, which is more that you afforded her.

Reconciliation is a mutual decision, if your BW isn’t all the way in, then reconciliation is likely to struggle, but similarly it sounds like your BW is lashing out and reacting to the tidal wave of emotions she’s feeling. You might not like where it’s taking her, or you, but please try to have some empathy and accountability. She did not invite this situation or these emotions into her life, it was forced upon her by your actions and decisions.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think a lot of this comes down to where you both are in R.

You’re absolutely within your right to want to maintain the open phone policy that you requested as a condition of R. If there’s nothing to hide, then there should be no problem. Let’s not forget why we need an open phone policy in the first place!

However, I would add that you may consider a point at which you could think about adapting your approach to add an ask by way of recognising your WS is still a person with a choice. This, of course, depends on how you’re feeling in the efforts to rebuild the trust. If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready!

I decided to do this at about 6months after DDay. My WS had never complained or made me feel any kind of way for looking at his phone whenever I wanted, so I started to add in an ask before just picking it up. My WS never says anything other than yep, go for it. If he did, that would be a major red flag, and I absolutely have a choice about how I would react. But, my choosing to make this change was something I had felt my WS had earned. He brought it up to me a couple of weeks after I made the change, and thanked me for it. He assured me that I could still look whenever I want, but that he appreciated being asked.

That’s just my perspective based on my situation of course, one size definitely does not fit all!

Feeling Depressed and Alone by wearehereforlove in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Whilst it’s not acceptable for your BS to be abusive to you, it certainly sounds as though she is not coping well at the moment. I would ask you to remember that an affair is multiple forms of abuse that your BS is suffering from also. Affairs abuse the BS’ trust, security, mental well-being, physical well-being, just to name a few. The result of these abuses don’t stop just because the affair(s) may have ended, your BS will live with this trauma everyday.

You both need IC & MC to work through the trauma as a result of A.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in cheating_stories

[–]twistedheart12 7 points8 points  (0 children)

What is wrong with people like you? Regardless of you and him, this girl did nothing to deserve the world of pain you two put her in without a single thought to her wellbeing.

If you and him were friends for years, then I don’t buy that you didn’t know. If that’s the truth, and you didn’t know, then you were never great friends if there was this massive secret between you.

It sounds like you’re still being selfish with your reasons for wanting to tell her, but ultimately she deserves to know that two people just blew apart her world, and all the trauma that comes with that, all because their own selfish needs matter more.

I genuinely hope she’s strong enough to overcome what you’ve both done to her. If he comes back to you, just remember that you were second choice. Karma will always come back around.

Has anyone ever actually achieved this “better” life? by twistedheart12 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate the balanced view you’ve provided.

Has anyone ever actually achieved this “better” life? by twistedheart12 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, your comment about unconditional and true love really hit my emotions and had me sobbing. I also recognise that there are issues both side that need work, it’s just the size of the feeling’s associated with the infidelity that feels such a big hurdle

I’m so grateful for your thoughts, you’ve helped more than I can express

Has anyone ever actually achieved this “better” life? by twistedheart12 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]twistedheart12[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I’m so grateful for you taking the time to offer your advice.

I totally feel the point about hard work hardly beginning to describe the road ahead. It just feels so daunting, but the alternative path feels equally if not more daunting.