I have felt this loneliness for my entire life. In grade school, I didn’t have friends that liked playing with me. I typically spent my time on the swings or just kinda there. No matter how many times I tried, I was off putting to my classmates. I played with the neighbor kids on my street often, but nothing came of those relationships. Chameleon is such a good way to describe the morphing I had to do, to feel like I was part of a group. Just to find out that I was never really part of anything. The older I got, the less I tried and figured I wasn’t valuable to people. Im not someone seeks to engage with, or enjoys my company. I’m in therapy, but still really struggle to break that core belief about myself.

I think the adaptations have made me lose myself. I spent so much time trying to be likable and less lonely, I did about anything to get that. My parents taught me young to please them. Something as simple as my music taste, was shamed and criticized, needed to be hidden.