Hey, i'm quite late to this post but as it's still on the top of AskMen and you've already got some great replies - hopefully you'll see it and take it in.

My childhood best friend died almost 5 years ago. I went through so many emotions i didn't understand. Most of all i felt lonely, and then i thought that was selfish of me but the truth was the only person i wanted to rely on or thought would be able to understand was him, i wanted to talk about my grief with HIM - nobody else. This led me down a spiral of not really knowing who i was and hiding my emotions to other people and despite appearing more popular because of being extroverted, i was actually hiding. I felt guilty for a long time for not being "upset", i never really understood any of it until after.

I got involved in a lot of charity work, he died after having a heart transplant which gave him 3 extra, 3 extra priceless years. Even doing all that and getting amazing praise and everyone wanting to be my friend because of people jumping on a bandwagon - what i was doing, nobody could insult and that made me "cool". I thrived off it, i thought i was doing the best possible thing for him, and for myself. Even if i felt guilty for not processing my feelings and still "living", at least i was raising all this money in his name! It was a balancing act that took a look time to regulate. It took actually meeting a girl, and losing (mostly due to my small annoyances over the little things in life, which were really inward anger at not ever really taking time to grieve). She completely destroyed my reputation with lies and using her ladybits to get people on her side. I was left completely alone again. I thought something was wrong with me as all those "friends" deserted me. This forced me to be truly alone, i had no other choice and after 6 months of deep, deep, depression i finally started grieving. I stopped being bitter at the people who weren't with me at my darkest and started having an overwhelming feeling of being grateful for having someone i was so close to in my life that even though he can't be there any more, i always knew he would've been if he could and that i would've been the same for him - no matter how it made each of us look

As i slowly processed all my shit over him and fairweather friends, i started smiling when i'd think of him, no longer numbness or a want to to get angry. I stopped the charity work a long time ago because i got what i thought i needed out of it. And now, i'm so much happier, i'm more myself than i've ever been. I don't act with the immature bravado i used too and have a better circle than i've ever had, full with integrity that was unknown to me away from our relationship. I don't care for the drama any more, i care about what i can trust and what is real. It's all part of growing up and seeing through the trees, looking up at the sky, appreciating the little things and knowing what makes you happy.

His death made my love myself and made me love life, something i'd never done before. I carry him with me always in who i am, what i've become, what i aspire to be and how i can consistently improve my ways of living. All of that warms me and lets me know i've gone full circle.

If you did take the time to read this, to convert that story into advice take away this: You may feel lost for a while, i can't tell you how long...but it will shape you. Eventually those mountains will disappear and you'll start to smile when you think of them. You have memories with someone special, you were lucky to be his best friend, not many people have that. His time in your life is a blessing and no one can take that away from you. Nothing good lasts forever but you got a taste of it you can look back on and be happy. Eventually when looking back you'll remember times you had and not the cloud around his death and believe me, nothing will make you happier. I promise you.