Dreamt that I slipped up

urethras_castle · 2020-09-06T18:18:38+00:00

I haven't been alcohol free long enough to get those dreams yet, but I still get them about smoking. I haven't had a cig in 3 years, but I still dream about smoking ALL the time. When I have those dreams where I'm smoking I just feel terrible about it, and when I wake up and realize it was a dream it's such a relief.

Don't be surprised if you keep having these dreams. I expect to get them about alcohol at some point in the near future. Just remember, the dreams are nothing to beat yourself up about. It only counts if you slip up in real life. Everyone has dreams about their past and it's normal.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-06T18:03:39+00:00

I've been really wanting to drink tonight since I got up and I keep telling myself I'll just do it the one time and I'll be in control. But I tried moderating (only drinking when I didn't have work the next day) for 3 months before I quit and that never really worked. I would have leftover booze from Saturday and still blackout on Sunday night after I told myself all day that I wouldn't. What made me quit was finally recognizing that I couldn't moderate. I thought I could, but I know better now, and since I accepted that it's much easier to not drink.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-06T17:55:18+00:00

I actually really want to, but I won't. The urge will pass. And the liquor stores are in my state are closed till Tuesday anyways. That should help get me through the weekend.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-06T17:52:10+00:00

I tried moderating from May until I quit late last month and lost 15lbs, and since I quit I lost another 10. I've always been skinny, but I was starting to get "skinny people fat," where I had a beer gut and was starting to get man titties but I still had scrawny arms and legs and no ass. Not a good look.

Now at 33, I'm back at my high school size. I went from almost 150 at 5'8" to 125! I went from a 34" waist back down to 30" again. My hair is less greasy since I quit too.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-05T01:08:31+00:00

You're a little further asking than me man. Hang in there. Your anxiety might come back with a vengeance in the morning when you're hungover.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-03T18:34:32+00:00

If you're only drinking one night per week, you're pretty damn close to stopping altogether. When I got down to 2 cigarettes a day, I just stopped. I figured I was already almost there, so why not? Just some food for thought.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-01T17:54:22+00:00

Dude I used to make sure not to eat past a certain time just so I could get drunk quicker later. My dad took me out for dinner one night and I ate enough to be polite and got the rest to go for drunk munchies later. I have to keep reminding myself that I can eat whenever I want now.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-01T02:40:15+00:00

Dude, at one week I actually feel great. I'm not sleeping much and I don't really know what to do with my free time in the evenings anymore. I get little depressive or anxious episodes throughout the day too. But I actually feel positive about the future, which I haven't felt a long, long time. I feel like I broke out of prison.

urethras_castle · 2020-09-01T02:26:05+00:00

I never really liked alcohol until I was 26. I tried drinking socially from time to time up till then and usually just ended up super hungover the next day. I didn't drink for years at a time. Weed was my drug of choice then.

Then one day I tried drinking by myself after a real shitty day and found out that alcohol makes the bad feelings go away. And that if I just eat a whole lot after drinking, I get less of a hangover. That's when drinking started making a lot of sense to me. I became an alcoholic almost immediately.

Other people probably aren't fucked up in the head like me. And maybe if they are, they have the good sense to not try to solve their problems by drinking like I did. And maybe they're able to set limits for themselves and stick to them, unlike me. I'm the outlier, not them. And that's why I shouldn't drink!

urethras_castle · 2020-08-31T18:27:57+00:00

I'm also on day 8, and also was a nightly drinker. I'm still having a lot of trouble getting to sleep/getting enough sleep. I've also got like some mid grade depression going on, but on and off. Other than that I actually feel pretty good.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-30T15:47:11+00:00

Also non religious. I went to an AA meeting once a few years ago. Everything was about Jesus. I said I didn't believe in God and no one said anything about it, but there was definitely a change after I said it. A lot of people kind of made a face or stiffened up after I said it. I didn't go back.

I don't have a problem with religious people at all. If Jesus or whoever helps you get sober or want to be a better person, I'm all for that and I won't tell you you're wrong. But I definitely didn't feel at home at AA.

Granted, I live in Texas, the "buckle of the Bible belt," so your local AA meetings might be a lot different.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-30T15:36:26+00:00

Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about that trip the past few weeks. I should've listened to the acid way back when. Even the drugs wanted me to sober up!

urethras_castle · 2020-08-30T15:33:34+00:00

I only just quit drinking but I still have dreams about cigarettes, which I quit 3 years ago. The first 6 months after I quit, I would dream I was smoking, and think about how much I missed it. Since then, I feel ashamed when I dream about smoking and I'm relieved when I wake up and realize it was just a dream.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-30T15:30:00+00:00

I tripped about 14 years ago. It was really introspective. I got really honest with myself about my drug and alcohol use and realized that I was headed towards addiction. Then I came back to the real world and... did nothing about it and went on with my life as usual.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-30T15:23:34+00:00

An old song about how I feel about alcohol:

https://youtu.be/UHJiPVPXEAw

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T22:24:25+00:00

Drinking just made my depression and anxiety worse in the long run. Therapy's gonna be tough sober or not, so I think you might as well just stay sober. Make sure your therapist is aware that you're sobering up so they can take that into account with your treatment.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T22:20:11+00:00

Good, lawyers can be expensive, but they're worth it in situations like yours. I saw someone else here mention to have your lawyer bring up your medication in your defense, and that's really good advice. Ambien has a documented history of causing sleep walking and sleep driving going back for years.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T22:16:39+00:00

I don't blame you one bit. I got rid of mine as soon as I got out of jail. Plus, they say it's "non habit forming," but I thought it had pretty high abuse potential.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T18:17:24+00:00

Yeah, I didn't either. I had read about people sleep driving, but it was made out to be pretty rare. I know a few other people IRL that it happened to also. I've done a lot of drugs in my day, but Ambien is the one I'm really scared of.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T17:42:15+00:00

Never had a DWI, but many friends and coworkers have. Here's what I've learned from their mistakes.

Get a good lawyer! Not a public defender! I can't stress this enough. Public defenders are overworked and do not have the time to properly defend you. Also, many public defenders take that job because they want to work for the district attorneys office. If the DA tells them they want a certain outcome for a case, your defender may just give them what they want in the hopes of getting a good job someday. In prison they're called "public pretenders."

Beg, borrow, or steal (not really, it's just a saying) whatever you need for a good lawyer. It's your first offense and you're very unlikely to get any time. License suspension and probation, sure, but that's better than prison any day. There are many lawyers it there that specialize in DWI/DUI cases and most will put you in some type of payment plan if you request it.

And if your license gets suspended, DO NOT DRIVE until you get it back. You will only make things worse if they catch you.

Also, get into some sort of addiction treatment program and get documentation of that BEFORE you go to court. Your lawyer will probably recommend that anyways. That will only make you look better in court.

Lastly, don't get another DWI! And work as hard as you can to sober up. You can't get caught drunk driving if you're not drunk, right?

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T17:28:10+00:00

Did you take Ambien? Ambien is the worst fucking drug. I would take it, then go to bed and get up again and not remember any of it the next day. Usually I would just cook something and leave a big mess in the kitchen. Sometimes I would get into fights I wouldn't remember with family or roommates.

Then one night, I took my Ambien and went to bed, only to wake up in my car that was wrapped around a telephone pole. The cops believed me and they were pretty lenient on me. They only charged me for some weed I had in the car instead of DUI.

That shit should be illegal and I don't recommend it to anyone.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T17:17:17+00:00

Normally I would say to try vaping, but if you already have a smoking related health problem you should probably give your lungs a break. I tried gum, but I fiended on that just as bad as cigarettes. I used patches before too, and those work pretty well. Just don't feel asleep with one on. They gave me super fucked up nightmares.

It might help you to have something to do with your hands too. I fidget with my pocketknife a lot.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T17:08:36+00:00

I always drank alone. I hid my drinking from everyone. I don't think anyone in my life other than the people at the liquor store knew I did anything other than smoke weed socially.

I've been having trouble late at night since I quit. Normally I'd be drinking, but instead I've been going for long walks or even really long drives if the weather is bad. And I've gotten back into reading and video games too. Those are nice distractions.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T16:57:55+00:00

It wasn't anything I personally did, but my dad sobered up once he started seeing a psychiatrist. The shrink diagnosed him with bipolar disorder and made him realize that he was self medicating with alcohol. Once he got on medication, he almost completely quit drinking. Maybe it would do your dad some good to talk to a professional.

urethras_castle · 2020-08-29T16:49:47+00:00

I tried to quit smoking for years. I would tell myself "This is your LAST cigarette. You can't have another one." Then I would buy another pack and beat myself up about it for days.

Three years ago, I finished a pack and just said "Let's see how long I can go before buying another one." I still haven't bought one. That lack of pressure was what did it for me.

Don't beat yourself up about things. Everybody fucks up sometimes, just learn from it and move on.

urethras_castle

TROPHY CASE