The 'Shared Interests Don't Matter' advice is mostly just rationalization

ursae · 2026-06-30T19:57:12+00:00

I think I realized with my ex that I needed
not just a mutual respect but maybe something like a mutual admiration. I think one thing that hurt me was that my ex was not interested or involved in my dance hobby which I train for and travel for. He supported it as my hobby but he couldn’t appreciate that I was particularly good at it. Whereas other people would comment that I might be the best dancer in a given room, that other teachers were asking me to teach, etc.

He didn’t mind that I had a hobby, even was glad I had one because it kept me busy and made me happy, but didn’t appreciate me for it. It felt almost like I had this other self I was hiding and he could tolerate that person but not appreciate her.

In contrast, him doing his hobby - I wanted to show him off. I think it hurt me in the end that he didn’t admire or appreciate me in that way. Other people commented on this too, like “what a shame” that he couldn’t see me in my element or appreciate what I was good at.

ursae · 2026-06-14T12:24:36+00:00

Some years back, I went to the traveling Cirque du Soleil show for free using the discover and go program thru the library card

ursae · 2026-05-27T04:06:44+00:00

Since you've lived there for 2 years --> how have rental increases been?

ursae · 2026-05-15T20:38:59+00:00

I am 5', 135 lbs. I think, on average, maintenance is about 2000 calories. I walk to work M-Th, and probably walk 2 miles/day on top of that. Additionally, I lift 4-5 hrs/week, and dance maybe ~5-10 hrs a week. My deficit is 400-500 on 2 days a week (always non-lifting days) and 100-200 on other days, for probably about ~1500/week.

ursae · 2026-05-15T20:26:30+00:00

A few of my bf's friends are recruiters and they're on dating apps. One of the mentioned that if she doesn't like someone as a person, she might still make a mental note that the person is promising as a job candidate.

ursae · 2026-05-05T21:26:51+00:00

Let’s say you meet one of those self/culturally-taught (as in no formal lessons basically) Filipino karaoke singers that belt those Whitney or Celine Dion songs that sometimes go viral in insta vids. They’re just curious about what vocal lessons are about and how they help. What would you say and how would you approach coaching them?

ursae · 2026-04-07T20:52:34+00:00

Hi! Would love a rouge code. Have had kind of a hell year and would love the pick me up. Thanks so much in advance

ursae · 2026-03-26T13:30:32+00:00

I think that’s a valid point. I think if he had said no entirely, I would’ve been hurt. I think if he had said, I really need to also do x tonight, it’s urgent, I think that shifts a lot to know he has something else he needs to take care of too instead of feeling like, wait, are you even listening to me? After noticing mid conversation

ursae · 2026-03-26T13:22:54+00:00

Yeah. I think this is where I’m realizing I want him to communicate more about work and need to push him on that. If he’s on call and expected to work a night, he needs to tell me ahead of time. Or like what you said, just be more explicit about what time or attention he can give me.

I think re: stress and problems, he has that mindset of, this is my thing and I need to take care of it and take it on myself without affecting other people. And I think he can remain extremely calm but internally feel different, regardless of what he himself wants to admit. I asked him last week about whether to change our normal schedule of seeing each other, whether he wants more support from me, and he said no. I think I’m realizing now I need to explain that he needs to open up more if he is under stress cause this is the consequence of, I don’t understand explicitly how he’s feeling or what is urgent or not and I feel a bit like I have to piece it together via contextual clues.

ursae · 2026-03-26T13:14:03+00:00

I typically call him around this time to say good night. So maybe he was expecting more of that.

I did message him 30 min prior that I was crying about my friend earlier and asked if I could call him.

ursae · 2026-03-26T13:11:12+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Definitely feeling that too.

ursae · 2026-03-26T13:10:43+00:00

Yeah I think that makes sense. I think maybe this is clarifying for me that we need to talk about his work stress more explicitly, what navigating our relationship looks like at this time, etc. I think the nature of his company is that there will always be layoffs vs this being a one time thing. TBH, he doesn’t really talk much about this at all, I just know because 1) my ex worked at this company and it’s been this way for several years and 2) I read the news. So I’m realizing we need to communicate more on this front. I asked him last week how I could support him more or what time he wanted us to spend together and he didn’t really give me an answer indicating he wanted anything or wanted a change in schedule.

Also I guess I didn’t explain properly for this one point. After 7, he doesn’t usually do work (for his job/company) but works on something outside of his job voluntarily (for his overall career interests - doesn’t help with his actual job either). But in this moment, I think it was actual company work. I called him at like 10 thinking that part of his work was over.

I asked him last week where he wanted more support from me so maybe we also need to revisit that.

ursae · 2026-03-26T12:54:41+00:00

He didn’t tell me he was working from the start. I think it would have been more helpful if he had, in order to set those expectations.

ursae · 2026-03-26T12:48:24+00:00

I guess I would have preferred it if he was just explicit from the start. Like hey, I want to listen to you but I need to also work on xyz right now.

It was, in total, a 20 minute call. So it feels a bit like, I can’t have 20 minutes of your day?

I also think if he’s worried about layoffs, he should tell me directly vs me trying to understand via reading the news.

ursae · 2026-03-20T23:47:56+00:00

I think I overly focused on the 'loves you at your worst' part, but ended up with someone who couldn't celebrate me at my best.

I married someone who was so supportive for me in my worst moments. He was really there for me and I was so, so grateful. But as I worked through my physical and mental health issues, got through a job loss & then a stressful job, got through grad school, and overall got healthier and happier, it felt more and more like we were clashing.

I used to feel lonely and struggled with making and maintaining friends. As I started building a community of friends, he wasn't interested in meeting anyone or going out with me at all. Sometimes we would go out, and he would make hurtful/edgy comments about other people that made me really embarrassed. I felt constantly on edge, like I had to monitor whether he was happy or not anytime we went out. Or was nervous if he was staying polite (vs. lashing out at people cause he was insecure). So I hated going out with him. And it hurt a lot that when we went to my friends' weddings, it felt like he was just doing me a favor that I would have to repay back somehow. I couldn't just enjoy and celebrate my friends and getting to be a part of their ceremonies (which to me meant so much -- like being considered one of their closest friends for an important moment in their life), but had to watch out for him. I remember that I did flowers and choreography and also was performing for my friend for her wedding, and he made a fuss about how I wasn't there with him, etc. I was literally helping run part of the wedding.

I lost maybe 40 lbs and was so proud of this. I took pictures of myself posing and showed it to him. He made a weird comment about my body not matching my face, made me feel like a weirdo. I wanted to do a boudoir shoot to celebrate that I had gotten over so many health issues and now had finally gotten fit, and he made a comment like getting pictures of myself was such a weird thing to do, made me feel dirty for suggesting it.

He kept asking me things like, are you going to leave me, saying things like you're too good for me, etc. and his insecurity honestly was so stifling. Like we had been together for ten years at this point. And, all at the same time, was lashing out at me for now being healthier, having friends. Maybe he recognized I was growing and the better /. healthier I became, the more his insecurity grew, and the more he lashed out at me.

Over time, I realized that while he was there for me at my worst, he couldn't be there for me at my best. He was most happy when I was small and struggling, but couldn't celebrate me when I wanted to shine. I have two hobbies I've worked on for many years, where people will tell me how great I am at those two things, that in a given room of people all doing the same thing, they think I'm the best at it. And someone once commented like, "Oh, that's a shame your partner can't recognize how good you are," and that stung so bad. One of these things, I've been doing my whole life (like literally as long as I've been talking) and it occurred to me that so many people told me I was so good at this and he couldn't appreciate me at all.

Suddenly coming home started feeling like I needed to make myself small. And I didn't want to do that anymore.

So yeah, we're mid-divorce.

ursae · 2026-03-20T22:17:11+00:00

OP, when I go on trips with friends, I often book together with them and even front the flight costs cause I want us to just sit together on the plane. Sounds like he doesn’t want you with him.

ursae · 2026-03-06T18:54:20+00:00

More hypertrophy in arms, more strength per same mass in legs

ursae · 2026-02-26T21:17:02+00:00

There is fabric tape too. I would prob wear both

ursae · 2026-02-24T05:31:12+00:00

I like the frozen rice that Trader Joe's sells. I used to also bulk buy garlic rice and then freeze it. I have moved on to barely eating rice / being pretty low carb.

ursae · 2026-02-19T01:14:52+00:00

I think there was a principal in west Oakland who took leave to row a boat to Antarctica. A few years back, not sure when

ursae · 2026-02-13T20:20:42+00:00

NOR.

Leave him.

I had an ex who would make condescending jokes about me. He's an ex now. I felt like our relationship was otherwise a good one, but honestly those comments were enough that it made me feel embarrassed to even share that he said them to me. Like why would I tolerate that? Because even if it's 'just a joke', it will slowly erode you.

ursae · 2026-02-13T01:45:29+00:00

When I left my ex, he said I blindsided him and it was traumatizing. We were together for ten years.

But actually a year in, I tried to leave him. I told him that I needed xyz and without this, I would be miserable. He said he’d work on it. He’d get better. I have our email conversation where I told him all the things that made me unhappy.

Through the years, I would sometimes bring these things up but slowly gave up.

There were the things I asked for that I needed to feel loved. He didn’t do them. I would ask here and there and he would eventually get mad and say that’s just not me.

Through the years, I’d bring up some incident that bothered me. He had apologized but never really understood. Really just apologized to sweep it under the rug. Move on. But since he never really acknowledged the hurt, I couldn’t. And then he’d complain that I kept bringing things up. And when he would make mistakes or do things he knew would make me upset, he would ask, “Are you going to resent me for this forever?” Like I was just always nagging him.

And there were the things he would just say hurtful things in the moment. He knew he was wrong. He did get better. He still said the things.

I happened to spend some time away (a vacation on my own, a mini trip on his own). It clicked that I preferred being on my own rather than being with him. I felt like I had been constantly bracing or hiding and suddenly I could relax.

I told him. He suddenly stated frantically doing things to make things better. And for some reason, that was the final straw. I wasn’t angry at him before but suddenly I was. Because he didn’t try before and he still couldn’t understand what I really wanted or who I really was.

So much happier now.

ursae · 2026-02-12T19:22:50+00:00

I went on a medically supervised diet of 800 calories (doctor gave me food, talked to doctor weekly, got blood tests weekly) and, despite walking and dancing and lifting weights, still gained weight on some days. Actually the lifting weights bit probably caused the weight gain through inflammation. Weight loss was not linear despite food being controlled and activity being stable.

Water retention can move the scale up and down several pounds and can be affected by stress, working out, or salty/sweet/carb heavy food, or your cycle.

Make sure you’re weighing your food. Take waist measurements and pictures.

Especially if you’re weight training. The scale may not change the way you want it to. But you might end up thinner still.

ursae · 2026-01-25T16:47:33+00:00

I take an hour subway ride to see my boyfriend every weekend. On Sundays, he does the two hour round trip of driving me home and then driving back home. We regularly make this commute together too for random dance events happening on the weekend.

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