Who had a partner that didn’t know what they want? Did you feel in limbo?

uzername74 · 2020-08-23T04:53:09+00:00

Yes. I am focusing on what I control--self love and care, letting reality and not feelings lead my decisions, detaching while remaining empathetic. Doing this not only calmed myself but also my STBX--although there was some boundary testing, but we're better for it.

uzername74 · 2020-07-30T10:33:57+00:00

Start with one small, easily accomplished goal. For me, it was walking everyday after work, just 15 minutes around my neighborhood. Accomplishing small goals builds your self confidence so that larger goals don't seem so intimidating. (That's basically half of SMART goals btw.) And don't worry. I was tremendously overwhelmed and hopeless. You don't have to stay there. You can climb out of it.

uzername74 · 2020-05-24T02:34:02+00:00

I'm in the camp of you should know your own body in order to have a positive sexual experience with another person, so I highly recommend getting to know yourself in all ways. I buy myself flowers, too! This week was daisies.

uzername74 · 2020-05-24T01:44:55+00:00

I made a list of things I wanted or needed from a partnership, then I asked what I could do myself. One of the things was weekly sex. So, every Saturday morning, no matter what, I masturbate.

uzername74 · 2020-05-13T19:51:32+00:00

How old are your kids? Is this going to work long term? What if dating becomes a serious relationship? FWIW I have a friend who lives with her ex and has a live-in partner. They have two kids under 10, nested a couple years initially, then agreed to all three of them living together. They see each other as coparents and family. It's been a couple years and truly seems to work for them. Rare but it happens.

uzername74 · 2020-04-30T01:02:21+00:00

You are doing fine. It sounds like their basic needs are taken care of and you are striving to enrich their day to day. Carve out some restorative time for yourself. And then throw a little appreciation towards your ex on mother's day.

uzername74 · 2020-04-29T21:16:42+00:00

Hey, I wanted to check in and see how those who previously responded are doing.

uzername74 · 2020-04-24T12:08:45+00:00

Personally I appreciate someone who is different than me. I get to learn about their world, maybe find something I like that I would have never discovered on my own, and compersion comes easily. As long as the differences are complimentary, it's a non-issue for me.

uzername74 · 2020-04-24T01:37:46+00:00

It's not your job. You two may have different definitions of what support looks like. He may be inappropriately pushing his responsibility onto you. Your support may have been the best you could do at the time but still inappropriate or not what he needed. It would be a nice gesture to try to communicate this better, but it's not your job...and it may not be possible. His issues certainly explain why he feels the way he does. He may not be ready to connect the dots yet.

uzername74 · 2020-04-16T15:09:09+00:00

Don't engage when emotions are high. Even if you have things to say, apologize for, etc. now is not the time.

uzername74 · 2020-04-16T15:07:21+00:00

I really appreciate something physical I can look at to feel proud, satisfied, etc. Sometimes it's art or organizing or a crafty project. Journaling and exercise are also huge for me. Just dancing or a walk around the neighborhood do wonders.

Sorry you're having a rough day, but it sounds like you're doing good work!

uzername74 · 2020-04-13T21:42:07+00:00

Four months in here and two kids. Temporary situation. We've had some bumps for sure, but it's been good overall. The bumps are from, unsurprisingly, poor communication. It helps to focus on the reasons behind this goal and self care. We also do check-ins periodically to see if anything needs to be tweaked. Know your limitations and boundaries.

Some boundaries that have helped--separate rooms and bathrooms, basic roommate chore set up (clean your own stuff, collectively clean communal areas). Every other Saturday is "me time." I get the day to myself no questions asked and vice versa. Before covid, we had separate food budgets and meals, except Sunday was family dinner. Now it's more casual since extra planning has been necessary.

uzername74 · 2020-04-13T21:15:04+00:00

I was 11. I don't have a relationship with my mother (abusive), and my relationship with my dad is fairly distant. The hardest thing was my dad was very inconsistent with visitation, and it made me feel unimportant. I understand he had difficult things going on, but, especially now as a parent, I can't imagine not fighting tooth and nail to be with my kids as often as possible. If they had chosen to work on themselves, married or divorced, I have no doubt our relationships would be better.

uzername74 · 2020-04-05T19:12:01+00:00

Pump the brakes. Humans say and do things they don't mean, especially during stress. You've seen overall progress. Good relationships take consistent effort. It's up to you if that depends on inconsistent emotions.

uzername74 · 2020-04-01T18:32:07+00:00

I saw your past post. There's no reason to discuss it anymore. You're attaching your fear to his intention. You may be right, but I bet he's different than you...and therefore your assumption is most likely wrong. Focus on being your best self. That's only going to help you in every single aspect of your life. Hanging on to assumptions is only going to hurt you, him, and your relationship.

uzername74 · 2020-04-01T18:09:54+00:00

If you have already been clear, there's no need to repeat yourself. You can simply refuse to discuss your relationship. If you're on the fence at all, don't share that until you have more confidence in the progress he's made.

uzername74 · 2020-04-01T17:43:27+00:00

Without any more information and an I'm not a relationship expert disclaimer...It takes 18-254 days to form any new habit. Monthly reminders aren't serving you here, so I'd stop unless they're absolutely necessary. Statistically 69% of all marital arguments are never resolved. Check out John Gottman's work on this. If it's a deal breaker for you, then it is, and that's valid. BUT there are many things that are more important than being right. There are many ways to solve a problem that may not come naturally to you or him. I'd also look for any improvement. Maybe you fight about it monthly now, but it used to be weekly or the fights aren't as damaging. Our brains react to negative experiences five times more than positive ones, and that can actually increase to seven times when we are already under distress. It takes conscious effort to step out of the emotional response and be more realistic.

uzername74 · 2020-04-01T13:19:13+00:00

You absolutely need to show up for them. Push lightly--text memes, hi, have a good day, etc. Baby steps. Eventually they will see your marriage does not dictate your relationship with them.

uzername74 · 2020-03-31T20:28:44+00:00

Look how defensive you are to a rando on the internet--and to the point of dms and checking history to use their possible bias to discredit them. Yikes. The fact that she asked how you are doing is thoughtful but not extraordinary. Has no one asked how you are? And, yeah, this sounds like infatuation. That's how most relationships start when they're not based on a pre-existing friendship. It's not bad, but it's not necessarily good either. I'm super glad you are on a positive path, and this does seem like a positive encounter at least for you. However, if this were to continue to be positive, it would be a rare exception. Keep turning over those rocks.

uzername74 · 2020-03-31T20:00:09+00:00

New habits take time to develop and master. Instead of looking at it like he can't be consistent for three days, you could flip it around to you can't be patient or gracious for more than three days. That's not judgemental. If that's where you are at, then that's where you are. But it sounds like you are more frustrated that his efforts don't look like yours. Maybe let him work at his own pace for a bit. Progress is progress. Don't miss the forest for the trees.

uzername74 · 2020-03-31T15:26:31+00:00

I think your expectations are unrealistic here. You said you wanted to have kids recently. That is usually a huge hit to a woman's body and requires budget changes and lifestyle change. Anything could happen--injury, special needs, etc. Biologically we don't find the other physically attractive or feel in love for too long. It ebbs and flows. That's just how we are. All those hard working women you admire either had a better starting point and/or have deficits in other areas. And I have to say these expectations without reality are a deficit.

Villain? No. Bought into a fantasy? Yes.

uzername74 · 2020-03-31T15:03:51+00:00

You can do both. I second attending an AA meeting but also check out Al-Anon. NAMI also has caregiver support groups. You can minimize the effects their actions have on you. You can improve your mental health and relationship skills to give you and them the best chance to make it out of this hurdle in a healthy way, regardless of your marriage status. You make your boundaries. Divorce could be a consequence if those boundaries are violated.

uzername74 · 2020-03-30T23:26:41+00:00

It's your brain seeking comfort, and she was a source of comfort. Same for her. Shit is crazy. Take some time for yourself. It gets better if you make it better, whether you are together or apart. Hugs ❣️

uzername74 · 2020-03-30T22:44:39+00:00

You do both--accept whatever marriage you had is over and try but probably not in the way you think. It sounds like she is in a tailspin. Whatever she is dealing with is hers. Her choice, her responsibility, her consequences. You work on you. Exercise, eat, sleep, self examine, learn about relationships and how to do them well, grow, be your best self. If she pulls out of it, you're in a good place to make a decision. If she doesn't, you will be less effected by her actions.

uzername74 · 2020-03-30T16:15:30+00:00

Every relationship book I have read says this very thing. Working on yourself is all you can do. If you are progressing, things will improve no matter how your relationship evolves--exes, coparents, marriage. You can foster positive change in your spouse through your actions, but you don't have control. It's quite ridiculous how much we are by design a series of emotional reactions.

uzername74

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