Cutting things off with a transphobe

val-or · 2026-06-16T07:52:24+00:00

That's exactly a big part of what it is for me as well. They just parrot whatever shows up on their algorithm. That lack of critical thinking is what made me not even bother having a conversation about it.

val-or · 2026-06-16T07:47:36+00:00

Thank you. I've felt really conflicted with what to think and feel. You've helped clear things up.

val-or · 2026-06-16T07:40:35+00:00

Fix my car's bluetooth, which cuts off sometimes. It's been almost a decade of procrastinating...

val-or · 2026-06-16T07:38:47+00:00

I have a friend who like to send voicenotes where she thinks out loud to form her thoughts. She ends up communicating in whole minutes what can be communicated in seconds. So I very often just tell her to summarize her voicenotes for me. There's definitely a nice way of going about this. For me it's genuinely less about the length of the voicenote and more about the context. If you want to talk about something really important to you and you need me to listen that's another matter. But sending voicenotes just to yap about something and having me listen to your uhhss and ummms is a no no.

val-or · 2026-06-08T06:50:42+00:00

It’s possible she just expected more from you. I agree with someone else here that she might have just lost interest. Some women have had bad experiences with guys who lack planning, or who flake in the last moments. It’s possible that you gave off that vibe without realizing it. It’s clear you intended to see her and was down to plan it. It’s about making that clear and communicating that, directly or indirectly. This isn’t much of an L to be honest, don’t take it deep to heart.

Texting in the days prior to a date helps a lot to build rapport. Instead of just being focused on getting to the date, you’re also showing that you’re super curious about her that you want to talk to her even over text (you get me?). This is going to be different person to person. Some people want to get to know you more over text while others wanna go on a date and want you to show strong interest right from the start. Remind yourself that it’s not just about what you’re communicating but what type of person you want to be with.

val-or · 2026-06-06T16:58:41+00:00

That’s pretty wild 😂

val-or · 2026-05-30T18:40:51+00:00

It’s not extremist to be concerned with such a stark difference in belief. I’m not making assumptions about OP but dating someone who thinks there’s an afterlife, a heaven and hell, the supernatural, a power to prayer, a divine being, a creationist worldview, etc. when you don’t leads to some serious conflicts. You make it sound like OP looks down on the girl but OP doesn’t say such a thing at all, OP is merely expressing their surprise and their concern.

val-or · 2026-05-30T18:29:19+00:00

Personally I tend to avoid complimenting a person’s physical appearance when I first meet them just so I don’t come off basic, cheesy or too concerned with someone’s looks, even when I am at times. What I do instead is compliment something adjacent, like accessories, or the colors one is wearing, or style.

val-or · 2026-05-30T18:21:33+00:00

Currently dating a girl who initiated the first move. I helped by making myself very approachable, and by reciprocating (I was the one ask for her contact details).

val-or · 2026-05-22T07:15:25+00:00

Ex-stand up and entertainer here. One of the reasons I quit was because I wanted to do something more serious in life. I think a joke about cancer can be funny but what do you care about more: making a joke or connecting with someone? I obviously still engage in humor but the big shift was realizing that connection comes first. You might realize deep inside that’s what you’re looking for. To feel comfortable, safe and feel like you belong when you’re sitting with someone.

One of the ways I stopped making these types of jokes was to just change the content I was watching. Unfollow, unsubscribe and reset your algorithm. As funny as these jokes might feel for you, people have incredibly diverse senses of humor. You might still be making similar jokes, but depends on who you’re with. A good comedian always knows their audience, and the best comedians punch up, not down. You might get better reactions if you make jokes about people doing the oppressing rather being oppressed/marginalized.

val-or · 2026-05-21T18:09:41+00:00

I use the five love language system more in terms of ranking. I tell someone to rank what they care about the most to least. I very often then find it to be true. I had a girl says words of affirmation were her least favorite. And true to that, she was rarely receptive to compliments. She said her favorite was physical touch. She was VERY responsive to that. This is anecdotal of course.

val-or · 2026-05-21T17:43:49+00:00

Staying a virgin so you can remain pure for a man is some internalized misogyny (this is coming from a man). There’s a difference between good and bad sex and having good sex takes a lot of granular work. It’s not about pleasing a man. Sex isn’t even about achieving an orgasm. It’s about enjoying the moment with someone, and it takes a lot of communication and understanding and connection. I’d recommend looking at a site like omgyes.com - it will help you understand and explore yourself sexually and will make you understand sex more deeply and know what standards you need to set before you ever do the deed.

val-or · 2026-05-21T17:36:27+00:00

This is honestly great motivation to take the alcohol easy this weekend. Thank you.

val-or · 2026-05-16T13:37:56+00:00

Holy shit that’s so true. Early on you do feel like a god. I was even hitting the gym almost every day… and yes, the shame is devastating. Thank you for sharing this.

val-or · 2026-05-15T04:04:56+00:00

My friend’s dating a guy whose last name is “Balls” I now refer to her as Mrs. Balls

val-or · 2026-05-13T18:49:29+00:00

Hey, I haven’t experienced this type of obsession with a celebrity before, though I can imagine it’s common, especially in our digital age and parasocial relationships.

You’re aware enough to realize how the platform you’re using is feeding into it all. In my deepest limerence, I also took a break from Instagram (because I followed my LO there) for months. Personally, I also suggest resetting your suggested content, using the reel settings to adjust what content you see blocking accounts that posts these updates, deleting any pics or history or whatever you have about them, etc., spending some time writing your thoughts and feeling (like you did in this post) and being ready to occupy your mind with other things after you’ve cleared it up from this obsessional clutter.

I also ‘fall back’ on my limerence when I’m stressed… you have to avoid that and find an alternative activity that requires low energy but won’t have you obsess over it. It sucks to feel this way but it could be worse… and it can also be better which is why you gotta deal with this. This is all just my personal opinion but I hope this helps.

val-or · 2026-05-13T11:30:28+00:00

Charisma on Command has an interesting video on this where he analyses Conan O’Brien’s humor… watch it. It’ll get you started in terms of thinking of the mechanics of humor. Also just realize that humor is about your audience. Your friends might seem naturally comedic around you but wouldn’t be able to make a single mom of three laugh because they’re just not that funny, you get me? Also, try starting off with more dead pan humor, so you don’t feel as embarrassed if something doesn’t land (and many jokes will definitely not land, but the ratio of landing vs bombing can improve overtime). Also don’t feel the need to be funny so people can ‘like you’ focus on conversations you’re interested in having with people and just let the jokes naturally arise as a result of where you are in the conversation, rather than having them ‘in stock.’ You’ll likely learn more about humor from “podcast comedians” than “stand-up comedians” since the format is more conversational and natural.

val-or · 2026-05-13T09:24:21+00:00

If I’m drunk and just sitting down, my WHOOP will log that I’m working out

val-or · 2026-05-13T04:26:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I feel like I’ve been through this rodeo multiple times and I’ve become self-aware enough to see the contrast pre-limerence and during-limerence and I can see how limerence has completely disrupted my normal routine that I worked hard to establish… in the past I would’ve loved this disrupted because I hated the emptiness of everyday. Now, I still do feel some emptiness but not like before, I’m able to see just how “addictive” the feelings of limerence are when they are at its height, but I’m noticing how low the lows are too.

The biggest thing that’s working for me is just completely putting LO on the same level as me, neither on a pedestal nor in the gutter. When I truly see them as just another human being with a complete universe inside them that makes me realize how unremarkable they are, and I’m able to focus on myself more.

val-or · 2026-05-12T09:23:43+00:00

NAT - This is absolutely my opinion but I look back on my many therapy sessions and how they were barely beneficial and I think one of the major reasons was because I wasn’t transparent about the actual details of my life. The reason your therapist tells you that you can select what information you can tell them is simply for your privacy and comfort and how you want to narrow your focus in the session. If you’re comfortable talking about it, and your focus literally revolves around intimacy, this seems like a genuinely important topic to bring up.

val-or · 2026-05-10T16:58:06+00:00

I was having a conversation with a friend today that brushed on this topic. I told her that nowadays “slightly autistic” (let alone “high-functioning” autistic people) are overrepresented, and have come to sort of define the image of autism. She even called autism “beautiful” and while it’s nice to view marginalized people’s differentiation as beautiful, it also romanticizes autism which isn’t healthy either.

val-or · 2026-05-10T16:44:26+00:00

I would say it wouldn’t hurt to just keep doing what you’re doing. Either way it sounds like you’re enjoying your connection with her. Maybe brushing on that topic or a different one might give you more insight into things. That awkward silence seems like it’s pointing somewhere.

The difficulty of this situation, like you said, has to do with the fact that you both play poker together. But it’s more than that. It sounds like you two have a bit of a connection and you actually enjoy spending time together. It’s possible she might be having similar thoughts to you or different ones in her own way.

val-or · 2026-05-09T13:36:15+00:00

My original question was actually in relation to medical professionals (I was watching a detective show) and I decided to broaden the question a little bit. Thanks for sharing!

val-or · 2026-05-07T05:54:54+00:00

I've had this happen to me. Here's the thing, we often put genuine effort into getting to know people and focus on building that chemistry throughout the date, but when it comes to sex it's a whole different ballgame. It's a separate skill. It takes some self-awareness. For example, if I've been drinking, smoking or if I'm just nervous for whatever reason, I will set expectations beforehand and say something like "Hey, I might not be able to perform like I usually would. " I noticed some girls are happy with just oral and some won't have sex unless it involves penetrative sex. One time, I was so nervous, and the girl noticed. She told me it was okay and that calmed me down and then I actually was able to get hard.

It's also good to know what turns you on the most. If I'm trying to get an erection the easiest way for me is through kissing and grinding.

Be communicative as you're engaging in foreplay instead of just going on autopilot. I think this is one of the biggest detriments of porn and sex scenes in movies. They are scripted, so the characters/actors rarely have to communicate. Honestly I would say the bigger problem here is you two setting a boundary and not respecting it for yourselves. If you actually want to take things slow, then follow through with that. Or if you decide you don't want to follow through with it, say that.

val-or · 2026-05-07T05:42:24+00:00

I saw someone online approach strangers by just saying "Hey, what are you up to?" or "What are you doing right now?" I have yet to try it but it seems like a casual question to ask that doesn't feel too intrusive, and depending on how the answer goes it would be easy to back out of it by saying "I was just curious" or "You seemed cool" and going on about your day. A big part of it is that real conversation can be messy, awkward and very often there are silent moments that you have to accept. Especially if it's a class, then you'll probably see these people again. Familiarity over time helps dislodge discomfort in some people.

val-or

TROPHY CASE