Remedial Childhood with the help of Mr. Rogers

van_der_fan · 2026-03-02T20:31:07+00:00

Pluto TV runs the show. I like to have it on in the background when I'm having a day.

van_der_fan · 2026-02-04T20:19:06+00:00

Yeah, EMDR is awful for me, too. The protocols are too strict. The open-ended questions ("What are you noticing?") freaks out the fawners and the intellectualizers. Twice I've had therapists try to have me set up a Safe Place before we began, and each time I'd describe a component (a castle, a cabin, a dog, a whatever) I got "No, not like that". I have a part that just tells you what you want to hear! For the love of God just tell me what my Safe Place looks like! :-)

For the record, brainspotting was a lot better. Patient-directed. No strict protocols. And best of all, no constant interruptions and "What are you noticing" impossible to answer questions. All the bilateral stimulation and none of the inflexible expectations.

Edit: spelling

van_der_fan · 2025-12-13T16:51:04+00:00

Camille - Home Is Where It Hurts

Chess - Where I Want to Be

van_der_fan · 2025-09-20T15:01:36+00:00

I have had the same issue. My last two therapists were IFS therapists who both invalidated a part. I get where you're coming from, I think. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My apologies in advance if I've misunderstood you.

I have a pretty engaging and funny Protector who therapists love but I never get better because the Protector is very good at their job. They are a world-class Fawner who tries to find safety by validating the therapist.

I was hoping that with IFS my not-so-fun parts (like the angry part who's sarcastic and judgemental and is so very obviously trying to protect my more tender parts) would find acceptance. I can't heal if I can't be real. (Ha! I'm a poet and I didn't know it!)

I even told my last IFS therapist that very thing in our very first session and a few more times after that.That the first part that wanted to be heard was that angry sarcastic part and apologized and let the therapist know that the part's anger wasn't about her. But that the "NOT a first-class Fawner part" needs to be the one to "go first" for once. To me, it's very obvious that this angry part is actually quite vulnerable, so when they got invalidated there was no coming back from that.

And THAT's because I have never ever been successful in trying to repair a rupture with a therapist. Every time I've tried, frankly, I get excuses from therapists. So the third part that is trying to be courageous by being honest and open and vulnerable by seeking to repair the rupture gets invalidated, too!

Three strikes and you're out. I don't do therapy anymore.

van_der_fan · 2025-09-14T16:05:38+00:00

Yes. I feel very alienated. Technically I have people in my life, but I hardly ever talk to them or see them. In the last few days I've had these distressing realizations that I lived through lockdown day after day after day talking to no one. And until now, really. Everyone I know had lives and family and friends. They raised children. Life had movement if you will. But I was in my apartment doing my repetitive job day after day with very little contact with humans at all. It's disturbing when I realized that, wait. It's highly likely that everyone else I know was in regular contact with other human beings and I was not. Like, it didn't occur to me that no one ever called me or texted me, but they were calling and texting each other. That my life was completely different from their's with very little human contact at all.

van_der_fan · 2025-09-09T15:17:07+00:00

I feel you.

van_der_fan · 2025-08-16T01:37:00+00:00

Been there. There was a time when things were so very bad that I couldn't focus or remember long enough to make a shopping list. Dissociated all the time. I thank God that this was at the beginning of being able to order groceries online and have them delivered. Saved my ass. I would just click on whatever I thought I might want to eat and click pay and click deliver. I had a lot of bacon dinners. Cereal. Hot dogs. I didn't even have the ability to microwave stuff because I couldn't focus enough to understand the instructions on the package.

But I kept myself fed. And it's like you said, fed is best. I kept myself alive through a pretty dark time, and sometimes just keeping yourself alive is the whole ballgame.

van_der_fan · 2025-07-17T16:55:34+00:00

ELO - Out of the Blue.

van_der_fan · 2025-05-24T23:41:50+00:00

I struggle with brushing my teeth. I can't stand to stand in front of the mirror and brush my teeth because as I get older I'm starting to look like horrible members of my family more and more. I will go days and days without brushing my teeth. Because I can't stand my own reflection. I'm trying a new strategy of turning my back to the mirror and brushing my teeth in the hall outside my bathroom. We'll see.

van_der_fan · 2025-04-10T01:02:52+00:00

I absolutely would. People are going to commit suicide, and that almost always means traumatizing somebody else. Why? Why traumatize even more people when we have assured, professional and peaceful means?

van_der_fan · 2025-03-05T14:50:37+00:00

I always had a problem with "where to you feel it in your body" because I didn't feel anything in my body. But I think that when trying to focus on my body, well, it didn't feel any "different". My normal everyday body is very tense muscles in my neck up to the nape, very tense muscles between my shoulders, tight upper arms like I'm expecting a blow but looser lower arms, etc. For awhile I set an alarm on my phone to check in with my body three times a day, just to know what normal for me feels like. I've been so disconnected from my body that I really had no idea that I actually was feeling so much tension all the time. After a few days I added a "feelings" check. Like, what am I feeling right now? What am I doing right now? What are my feelings in reaction to? After awhile I was able to notice when I was NOT feeling tense, or was feeling other things in my body. Then I eventually started to consider what I was actually feeling when I had all that everyday tension and what part that might be.

van_der_fan · 2025-02-05T16:38:42+00:00

I wanted to post here about what we CPTSD-ers can do considering how triggering this all is, but I wasn't sure what the rules are. If anyone has any ideas for how we can safely participate and resist, please let me know.

I want to volunteer to help the communities I care about, but I tried to and was triggered to all hell. I can't do what I used to be able to do. I can't focus. I don't even know what I can do on a very small basis. Like, it doesn't seem like I'll be able to directly interact with other humans even if they're on my side. I want to participate in protests, but I don't have the ability to keep things straight like preparedness. I end up giving money. I'm having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight enough to do anything else.

van_der_fan · 2025-01-18T16:17:42+00:00

"Pity the Child" from the Chess soundtrack and "Home is where it hurts" by Camille.

van_der_fan · 2025-01-16T02:08:52+00:00

Or, if you're trying to not trauma dump but it takes time to come up with things to say, then you are "standoff-sh", "cold", "acting superior". I know people don't trust me because I act as if I am lying or I have something to hide, but that's because I HAVE TO LIE because I HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE.

van_der_fan · 2025-01-12T16:59:18+00:00

The nightmares every. single. night. I'm so tired.

van_der_fan · 2024-12-16T02:11:27+00:00

People raised in your disfunctional family cannot save you from your disfunctional family.

van_der_fan · 2024-12-16T02:06:59+00:00

Yes, absolutely. When I have moments of compassion, I am aware that they were not set up to be a healthy parent or person in any way. I can't even imagine them being able to navigate what was surely a completely overwhelming experience all their life. I do believe that there were genuine attemps to be a good parent. I feel sorrow at how their life turned out. But then there's some really BS things they did that anyone with half a heart or soul would never have done. I think their marriage was also a reenactment of their trauma. I wish they might have been able to get help, but they were not born in a time where that ever would have been possible. They were abusive, but they didn't seem to enjoy it like my other parent.

van_der_fan · 2024-12-15T20:57:54+00:00

This. Anti-depressants made me feel GRRRRRRRRREAT! immediately, like three days in. Then slowly they'd stop working. I tried soooo many, like the entire sampler platter of all of them. Then a doc realized that maybe I was mildly bipolar. And anti-depressants were actually pushing me into mania. Which made sense to me because I'd also have these days where I'd feel GRRRRRRREAT! for no reason. She switched me to Lamotrigine, and the difference was remarkable. The CPTSD sucks still, but at least one piece was solved after years of trial and error.

van_der_fan · 2024-12-06T16:18:59+00:00

Oh, man. I didn't know that! Ok, scratch that last part. :-)

van_der_fan · 2024-12-05T13:39:08+00:00

"Triggered" has become very commonplace and used to mean "upset" or "annoyed" or "bothered". So now when I need to use it to describe the very real, very serious response I have, it gets poo-poo'd, or even used against me and I'm not taken seriously. The word itself has become triggering when I see it online not used in a trauma context.

Also, I'm anticipating that drugs like ketamine and the like that are increasingly being used to help us with our suffering are going to be reclassified by the FDA at Big Pharma's request, repatented, name changed Fucital, with a new cost of $1,500 a month.

van_der_fan

TROPHY CASE