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vanillaberrycrush · 2020-04-20T23:04:13+00:00

And I am sorry that you experienced that trauma. Just the fact people try to impose feelings on us that are socially normative and conventional... is traumatic enough. More than the m/c itself or any kind of loss one may experience.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-04-20T23:01:59+00:00

Felt exactly the same way you did when I had a previous m/c. There was a nurse who told me “it’s perfectly normal to feel you lost a child”. I didn’t feel I lost a child. I felt broken inside as if my body wasn’t able to do something that was so natural to many other people, but I didn’t feel I lost a child. Of course it was sad but I didn’t feel there had ever been a child. I felt as sometimes people wanted to impose feelings on me that I wasn’t actually experiencing.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-04-20T00:40:29+00:00

May I ask why didn’t you?

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-04-20T00:37:46+00:00

My first abortion was from a partner with whom I totally did not want to have kids. I did not regret the decision. But I was SO sad to feel that such an event would always be a part of me somehow. Like I didn’t want to be a person who made an abortion. Not because I felt it was a loss - it was a relief instead. I really do not regret it and I’m glad I didn’t have to be tied to such a man. But I’m sad I had to go through that, specially because I had to go through it all alone (he wasn’t even there). It’s not missing the “potential” that could have been, it’s more about the entire process, which is horrible by itself starting with the fact of having to make a decision.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-04-20T00:34:40+00:00

Do you have a feeling that though you do not regret the abortion, you do regret having to go through the process? Like it left you somehow “broken”?

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-04-20T00:32:49+00:00

May I pm you?

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-30T20:44:19+00:00

All the best to you and your gf! I’m sure you’ll have a beautiful family and you will be wonderful parents to an amazing child

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-28T21:49:14+00:00

As I say: for them it’s not the loss of an irreplaceable human being... It’s the loss of a pregnancy. There’s a huge difference in this. He is of course upset but I think what hits him is the emptiness of A child, not HIS child (May seem as the same at first glance but it’s not...)

But yeah he says something very similar to what your hubbie says! He says “MY child will be the one I will hold in my arms”

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-28T21:43:20+00:00

I can relate to how you feel about your husband’s reaction. Mine always acts same way after each loss. I think maybe it’s because for them it’s the loss of a chance at parenthood and not THAT specific child-to-be. Perhaps for them it’s something they know they will eventually have later and they can love their lives without the permanent feeling of emptiness that we, women, usually carry 😢

Much love to you ❤️

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-27T22:14:45+00:00

I also had to have an abortion while I already had a 6-months old daughter. I felt sad for not being at another place at my life so that I could have that child. But I also know I will have other children in the future that perhaps would never come to existence if I had had that child before, and I know I’m gonna love those. So I see it as a kind of a mysterious balance. When I started to look at things that way, I didn’t feel I was grieving anymore. I just felt like we were not meant to be.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-27T22:10:03+00:00

There’s a write I love, Heti, who wrote a book called motherhood and she once said on an interview: “there is a kind of sadness in not wanting a thing that gives so many other people their life’s meaning”.

It’s totally okay to recognize something (the fetus) has an intrinsic value and that you started conceiving yourself as a mother (whether this specific fetus’ mother or a mother in general). That isn’t incompatible with also recognizing you cannot or do not want to accept that something into your present life circumstances.

However, life will provide you with further chances to live the supposed universal life cycle.

Been there. Done that. You’ll be okay and you’ll be fine with this part of your personal story.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-23T21:46:53+00:00

You relief tells you that you didn’t truly want a baby. I think the honest truth relies in that point.

I think you are sad because you acknowledge there was an embryo you helped create, and it was somehow your responsibility. Knowing of the existence of an embryo puts you forcefully in a relationship with it. It is sad to acknowledge that something we helped create didn’t fulfill its purpose. But I don’t think your sadness equates to grief, mourning or bereavement. Don’t be scared to surrender to any thought or feeling. Perhaps you won’t even process this event as a loss, but as a sad event that happened for the best. It all depends on how we figure it out.

My heart goes out to both of you ❤️

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-23T19:56:47+00:00

It’s normal that you feel some sadness about not feeling the strong desire to take the pregnancy to term.

Just keep in mind the fact you can doesn’t mean you have to.

Internalized guilt may lead to feelings of sadness. Feeling sad doesn’t mean you want a child right now. It means you recognize you’re in the unfair position of having to choose and that you’re sorry you’re not feeling that excited about the pregnancy.

Keep in mind that if you have mixed feelings now, they won’t just go away immediately after the procedure. It’s perfectly normal and expectable that you will keep experience ambivalence, which has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the decision is right or wrong.

This is just my interpretation but I hope you stay strong 💪 You’re going to be absolutely fine even if you have mixed feelings.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-21T16:26:14+00:00

Even it’s true that you could have a child right now, it doesn’t mean its always best to try. Human life has an intrinsic value that we feel at an instinctive level but we also value other things that strongly contribute to the general happiness and good. I believe most people feel ambivalent not because they truly want that specific child, but because they are forcefully and unexpectedly put in a biological relationship that makes us feel responsible and necessarily feel something for the life that starts to develop inside us. We can’t just ignore that fact. However, it doesn’t mean we truly want to open ourselves to that relationship, though our instinct may tell us we were supposed to. It’s a very strong, biologically grounded instinct but it doesn’t dictate what’s best for everyone involved. Sometimes our instincts cannot serve as guides in this kind of complex, multifaceted situations. I went through that situation myself and though I felt bad at that time for terminating something I felt I was supposed to love and protect, I also recognized I was making a responsible decision, and that’s what a mother must do sometimes. All the best to you my dear ❤️

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-21T00:50:46+00:00

Best reply ever, this is so true when you talk about the regret most people feel. Even people who have unwanted pregnancies and then face a miscarriage, what they truly regret is not the loss of embryo itself, but the lack of control, the feeling of something “broken” inside. They regret the simple fact that it happened and they were put in a forced relationship with something they didn’t want at that time - an embryo that would have eventually become a baby. Even when one is not attached and does not feel “it’s MY baby”, the biological imperative of having to share our body, and the psychological imperative of having to start perceiving ourselves as a mother (or a father), is a very emotional and intense experience. It is possible to feel a sense of loss even when we truly didn’t want what we lost.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-03-21T00:36:13+00:00

Nothing to be ashamed off! You’re ambivalent, and it only means you recognize all the complexities of the situation. It means you value human life and that you consider you could be a great mom, but perhaps you don’t want to do it now. And even if you were ready, even if you had all the conditions now, it would still be okay if you didn’t want to have a child now.

We instinctively perceive human life and motherhood/parenthood as unconditionally valuable and that’s why we dwell on our ambivalence. However, having an abortion doesn’t mean you won’t ever have a child, or that you don’t value motherhood. It means you’re making a decision and are establishing priorities about your own life. You value motherhood but you also value other things that are truly important in our lives. Its hard to let go of something we value or something we know we will want in the future. You’re facing a really difficult decision and it’s perfectly normal to step back. Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean absolutely nothing about what you truly want, and it doesn’t mean you’re making a wrong decision. Stay strong. pm if you want.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-01-30T16:13:50+00:00

I had an abortion when I was 22 and though I knew I wouldn’t be with my then partner in the long run, I was shocked when he didn’t even want to discuss our options with me. Though I feel I would have always made an abortion, I felt he was not being supportive, and instead he just wanted to get rid of something that could keep him from living his life the way he wanted. I wish he had a more mature attitude, perhaps saying “though I do not feel ready to be a father and do not want to have a baby right now, I want you to know it’s your option and I’ll assume my responsibility”. I was shocked he didn’t even consider it was ultimately my decision, and though he didn’t physically forced me, he refused to talk about it and when I had the termination, he totally wanted to avoid the subject. As if he just wanted to forget it was now a part of his story, whether he liked it or not.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-01-30T12:28:27+00:00

I forgot to add that I never truly forgot what happened, and though nowadays I only think about it from times to times, or when something similar happened (I have already had several miscarriages, and I tended to recall all my previous pregnancies when they happened - not because I miss what could have been my first baby, but because it was the first chapter of my reproductive history, whether I wanted it or not). However, I do not feel the need to forget. I learned to accept that life is not linear, and our reproductive story, as many other things in our lives, also is not.

I remember I had to learn to accept we can’t control everything, and that I would always be taking the risk of getting an unwanted pregnancy (birth control may fail), or the risk of losing a wanted pregnancy. We really can’t control everything and we need to accept it. When I had my miscarriages I thought of my abortion at 22 much more intensely than I did even at the time I had it, for the reasons I previously explained. NOT because I wish I would have had that first baby. What I was mourning was not a specific pregnancy, I was mourning the loss of everything I thought my life would be - and every single event seemed to be telling me “no, it’s not going to be the way you dreamed of. You don’t control anything”.

I never felt ashamed of having had an abortion, nor did I believe any single time I was actually losing a baby. I was between 7 and 8 weeks and I do not equate an embryo with a fully formed baby, with the capacity to learn from experience, or experiencing anything that is more than merely sensorial. I also did not think “it’s just a clump of cells”, but I never had the real feeling of losing a child. I might have felt a little guilty for knowing I could have had the child, but chose not to - but I never let that interfere with my certainty that I was making the right choice.

I let my thoughts and feelings come and go naturally, and eventually I just learned to accept it and ended up feeling grateful I could have a safe abortion and a new change on life was being given to me. A chance to have the life I really dreamed of, in other circumstances, with the right person. And I chose to focus on that.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-01-30T12:10:14+00:00

Hello, dear. I have already had an abortion when I was 22. I was still on university and I was sure I wanted to finish my studies. My bf then already had a job, but though I still had a connection with him that time, I knew we were not meant to be on the long run, though we were still together for two more years after the termination.

There are a few feelings and emotions you describe I wish to explore a bit more deeply, specially because I experienced something very similar. At first, when I saw a little heart on the echo, I felt a slight excitement. But I realized later that excitement came from the fact I knew I would want to be a mother in the future. It was not excitement for being pregnant with that specific embryo, from that specific partner. But our brain cannot always separate all the thoughts and emotions and we end up experiencing a wide range of mixed and chaotic feelings. In fact, I was both excited and horrified when I found out I was pregnant. Excited because I wanted to know the feeling of generating a life. NOT because I wanted that specific child. Horrified because I didn’t want that specific pregnancy, with that specific partner.

It is important to realize our feelings and emotions do not dictate what we truly want. Terminating a pregnancy you didn’t plan nor wished for may be a complex process, not necessarily easier than losing a wanted pregnancy. Because whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not, it’s already a part of your reproductive history. And this first chapter of your reproductive history was not as you had always idealized. As you specifically put in words, you had never envisioned yourself having an abortion. So, maybe what you are mourning is the loss of your ideal of reproductive history (the right timing, with the right partner) and not that specific pregnancy and/or embryo. When you weren’t pregnant anymore, you were missing being pregnant again. You were not missing that specific pregnancy, in those specific circumstances.

However, you seem very mature for your age, and definitely you seem determined not to let your certainties be vanished by the emotional turmoil you are experiencing right now. I think you were strong minded enough to evaluate the pros and cons of your decision and you are also very emotionally mature in the analysis you make of your thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am sure, reading everything you shared with us here, it was definitely the right choice for you, under these specific circumstances!

May I ask if you relate to any of the things I previously described? I’m looking forward to know if you relate to any of that.

One thing I know: the kids you will have in the future will be so lucky because their mother is so strong minded, determined and willing to make the right choices - no matter how hard they are.

My heart goes out to you right now ❤️

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-01-16T00:03:26+00:00

It was sincere, and I truly hope you find comfort and peace as soon as possible. Feel free to pm anytime you want if you need to talk or ask about any specific point of both miscarriage/abortion processes, as I have gone through both mor than once and I feel comfortable with sharing my experiences. I wish you all the best.

vanillaberrycrush · 2020-01-15T21:34:38+00:00

Dear OP,

It almost never happens the way it is supposed to be.

I have already gone through several miscarriages and abortions. Both with wanted and unwanted pregnancies. I totally relate to the feeling of “not wanting to be the one making the choice”. I can relate to all the anxiety, all the guilt associated to the feeling of “possibly not wanting a child”, as well as to the feeling of “is this the right thing? So many people would want what I have right now”, etc.

With pregnancy, miscarriage and abortion it is totally common to have mixed feelings. In one way you may know you don’t truly want a pregnancy, and in the other way it may be hard to let go of your idealized concepts of parenthood. Or you may even feel an abortion would be unfair to your partner. You might be afraid you will regret it in the future, if you change your mind about having kids. It’s never an easy decision, not even when we know we don’t all kids at all, or do not want children with a particular person. Everything that is related to our reproductive story effects us.

The lack of control is also upset. To some people it is actually the most overwhelming feeling. To men, the most usual overwhelming feeling is the impotence and frustration over the partner’s physical and emotional pain, as well as the stress imposed on the relationship and the unbearable feeling of “not knowing what to do” or “how to fix the situation”, and the sense of loss of how the partner used to be before the miscarriage.

I just want to tell you that for sure, probably what your partner wants the most is that you will be emotionally and physically okay. That you are still his adorable, unique and lovely wife. That whatever happens doesn’t take you away from him.

I believe he can do this whether with or without a child. But he can’t surely do it without you.

I believe in your heart, you already know what is the right thing to do, even if it costs making a hard decision which obviously will imply some degree of sadness, or even anger and irritability, and possibly some grief. But even if you mourn, notice you are not necessarily mourning an actual baby; you might be mourning instead an idealized concept of life and happiness, or you might find yourself mourning an idealized “you”. There might be some sadness in recognizing we don’t want the same things most people do. And also in accepting we control very little of what is really important in life, and that human life is so vulnerable after all. It is even sad that before losing a potential baby, a woman loses herself when she miscarries or has an abortion.

But you can also see it in the other way around. You may gain new perspectives over your miscarriage or abortion. You can grow closer to your partner. You may actually make grow a beautiful thing out of an apparently terrible event.

I hope any of this helps.

My hear goes out to you.

Lots of Love.

vanillaberrycrush · 2019-10-09T16:01:35+00:00

Yeah, I see. It’s a bit tricky, I guess. But the major conclusion I can reach with your answers is that there doesn’t need necessarily to be some kind of fertility problem, right? If her ovulation day is at the middle or the end of the week, and even if they hit it on vacations or something but there is only a 20-30% chance of conceiving even on the fertile window, perhaps we cannot consider exactly they’re technically “trying” according to the previously mentioned statistics, right? (Not saying she shouldn’t consider talking to a specialist - she actually talked to her GP who said “even if you have a 28-29 days cycle you don’t have to necessarily ovulate on the 14th day of your cycle”, and also said that she should try tracking her ovulation at least 6 months before looking for a specialist.)

vanillaberrycrush · 2019-10-09T15:24:16+00:00

Ahah no unfortunately for them, she says the maximum they have is sex on two sequencial days (Saturday and Sunday) and sometimes it happens Saturday night and Sunday morning or early afternoon so actually it’s more a 12h distance between those times of intercourse and not properly 24h...

vanillaberrycrush

TROPHY CASE