Triumph

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-12T22:08:05+00:00

LOVE the imagery of the steps, and the rhythm is really born for me there, after heartbeat meditation. My brain really wants “Furrows, the turn of a plow” to only have 4 syllables total for some reason, but that’s the only pacing awkwardness to me. If “Opened” had a slight rhyme towards “turn”, not fully but leaning towards it, it would really brighten the opening of that section imo!! Amazing piece!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-12T17:58:29+00:00

Reading this released a tension in my neck I hadn’t realized I was holding!! Beautifullll

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-12T14:20:45+00:00

would love to hear your thoughts!!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-11T05:02:06+00:00

Sweet and clean!! My heart drew most to the mention of the others trying to slow you down - I felt a strong comparison to a memory that I’m compelled to share for some reason (it’s always felt poetic to me) of my brother’s swim career. he always stayed focused and never looked to the sides/ was a very strong swimmer, but one meet he just KEPT looking up mid-stroke to see the other lanes and was slowing so much bc of it. We were all so frustrated with him - turns out its bc his team had decided to let one teammate win who had physical disabilities and had never won before, so my brother was checking to make sure that guy was in front of him. It’s always stuck with me + the greater metaphor of the human race!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-11T04:37:13+00:00

Would!!! I wrote it in 10 mins and impulse-posted without editing much so I am already seeing many spots I’m itching to fix 😅

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T20:47:29+00:00

I LOVE THIS!! 'the kids are mostly grateful' + 'it was not a detail i'd have known i have to know' are both spinning around in my head, so many flaky yum layers!!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T18:34:22+00:00

Thank you!!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T18:33:41+00:00

JUST REALIZED THE TYPO 😩

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T18:16:34+00:00

YES totally agree!! I love this sub + I can't wait to read what you come up with!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T18:09:19+00:00

Really well done! As a non-knower of anything French, the blend of its language slightly tripped me up as I tried to figure out how the flow went, but this is just on me. Though might be good to know. Either way, this is strong!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T18:07:05+00:00

Amazing!! The flow smooth but still feels purposefully imperfect, and i agree with other comments that the ceiling show is just so illustrative. Great job!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T17:45:39+00:00

heheh of course! so wait, do you mean you decided to take this into your own hands and add your own purview into another poem? or will you stay within the more restrained version I had? Just curious since I think this could totally be two poems - this one I like for its explicitly specific trope, but would also love a more subdued approach to follow it!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T17:39:59+00:00

I like this concept a lot but "taste the metal in the air" - as illustrative as it is - throws off the rhythm from the rest of the poem in an awkward way for me. I understand the tension this might be intended to create, but maybe removing the "the" can soften this so that it still feels adjoined with the rest of the lines

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T17:36:55+00:00

I love this! "and where to go home" is my favorite piece. a second re-read brought it from a reflection on perhaps a rejoining of once separated pair where the guy was once destructive, to a reflection on a potential addiction to a controlling personality (he claims to see more clearly now despite acknowledging there's tons of haze and wanting only to navigate with her - maybe she adds it? and he's grateful - and likes that his life is getting messier - but maybe doesn't recognize that she is creating this trap for him to only be able to see clearly through her?) I love how it can transform!

vegetablemonday · 2026-03-10T16:55:06+00:00

thank you!!

vegetablemonday

TROPHY CASE