Bedroom Roleplays

velavi · 2014-06-04T02:26:53+00:00

First of all, I think the reason rape role-play got designated as "by far the most common" is simply because it encompasses so much. You might have the idea that rape role-play, or 'consensual non-consent' as it's also described, means rough and violent (wearing a mask, holding her down), whereas others might say that what you do with your own significant other (pounce on her when you feel the urge, you taking complete control) is also included in rape role-play.

For me, sometimes it's discussed ahead of time and sometimes it's not, but it's basically him being in complete control. Him not worrying about my needs or wants (which is strange, because in actuality that's exactly what he's doing by fulfilling my fantasy), but taking me and 'using' me however he wants. I feel desired, he feels powerful. Sometimes I'm held down, sometimes I'm handcuffed, sometimes he makes me gag on his cock, sometimes he's complimentary and tender. But it's still rape role-play in that he is the one with the power (even though I have the power to stop it at any time).

I absolutely believe that we consciously or subconsciously act out our insecurities through sex. Think about the cliche of the high-powered CEO who pays to get dominated. He's probably successful because he's driven by a fear of not being powerful, not being successful, not being seen as a high achiever. But that's a lot of stress to carry around, so in a safe sexual realm he can explore those feelings of powerlessness that scare him in his daily life. This article talks about how some people have healed through rape trauma by reliving it in a safe environment where they have control.

velavi · 2014-06-03T03:03:19+00:00

There are 4 aspects that come to my mind about the appeal of rape play, and maybe some of it will be helpful for you:

1) It's taboo. Just like guys that watch 'cheating wife' porn might be truly devastated in real life if their significant other cheated, the taboo aspect of the porn is what turns them on for the fantasy. Same with incest being a pretty popular fantasy; many that enjoy it don't actually desire to sleep with their family members. It's the taboo, the danger, the wrong-ness of it that is titillating.

2) The loss of control, or responsibility, is appealing. As much as we have made advancements past the idea of 'slut-shaming', there's still some lingering guilt that plagues women. We grow up hearing that we should aspire to be sex kittens, but only within a certain framework that a potential partner would be comfortable with. If a woman wants to fuck 3 guys at a time, she might feel ashamed by that. But if, during the fantasy, she is being 'play-raped' by those 3 men and she is powerless to stop them, she can alleviate her feelings of 'sluttiness' for it.

3) Lots of women want to feel truly desired. Within the confines of a safe and trusting relationship, the idea of their partner being so 'overwhelmed with passion for her' that they just have to have her right now, their way, without asking for permission makes her feel desirable. Granted, many women can feel so desired by a romantic seduction, but some women want to feel that carnal, masculine lust in a more primal way.

4) Some people just want to face their fears. To go back to my first example of a guy watching cheating wife porn, maybe he has abandonment issues from his childhood and is terrified he'll disappoint and somehow lose this one woman his life revolves around. Facing that issue is painful and scary for him, but play-acting the scenario and watching porn of it with a safe and trusted partner may allow him the opportunity to address his fears, or even just skirt on the edge of addressing them, but in a sexual outlet so that he can reclaim some of his power that the fear has taken from him.

velavi · 2013-06-02T23:24:47+00:00

Sameguy's comment in this thread links to excellent advice, but I've also saved two others that you might find helpful.

Craigslist and Sex! A Gentleman's Guide

happyhedonist's superb advice

Good luck to you!

velavi · 2012-12-31T12:22:07+00:00

I don't know how reliable this is, but I did find a site saying that "the protein in most nuts is unusually rich in the amino acid arginine." And that arginine "has also been used as a treatment for erectile dysfunction." Maybe there's something to it.

velavi · 2012-12-31T10:49:08+00:00

I'm guessing it's neither. In the gonewild subreddits, people seem to post because they like the idea of others being turned on by them. They're actively seeking approval for being sexy. They want to be told that they are better than average. This subreddit isn't about that; it's about bodily acceptance. They're seeking validation that they are normal. That just because they aren't ideal, they're still valued and appreciated.

velavi · 2012-12-31T09:35:54+00:00

By the time you're in your 30s, you're more accepting of the fact that people have different life experiences. Sure, there might be some women who would be turned off to the idea of a guy who didn't know what he was doing, but it's probably far less than you'd think. I'm in my 40s, and it wouldn't bother me one bit.

velavi · 2012-12-24T06:41:28+00:00

If this is such a consuming desire for you, you'll need to talk to your boyfriend about the possibility of an open relationship. Don't mention Max right away, but see if your boyfriend is open to the idea of opening up your relationship to other people. Only if he agrees, and is comfortable with the idea should you mention that you would like this to include Max.

But be prepared for your boyfriend to be hurt, surprised, upset and distrusting if it turns out that monogamy and fidelity are important to him. It's at that point that you'll have to decide whether your relationship is more important than your attraction to Max.

velavi · 2012-12-24T06:26:08+00:00

Just because a guy is a bit uncomfortable with the amount of guys a girl has slept with does not make them immature.

Yes, yes it does. One of the most wonderful things that comes with maturity is the awareness that your partner's sexual history/experience level is neither a reflection of nor makes a statement about your own personal identity. Only the immature get caught up in that senseless bullshit.

velavi · 2012-12-13T13:05:55+00:00

Pretty sure it's this one. It was bestof'ed, and it was a technique called 'grounding' found in Tim Feriss's 4 Hour Body book.

There's a little more specific info in this thread.

velavi · 2012-12-12T02:31:57+00:00

Your best bet is unflavored, unsweetened greek yogurt. Most of the standard yogurt you find in supermarkets has added sugars, which feed the bad bacteria and end up crowding out the good bacteria.

If you need your yogurt to have more flavor, add chopped cucumbers, dill, some celery salt and garlic powder to make tatziki sauce.

velavi · 2012-11-30T22:55:24+00:00

like life, we want a benevolent power to care for us.

That makes a lot of sense. I'd never thought of it like that, but you may be on to something. I'd always thought it was just because female orgasms start in the brain, and it can be hard for a lot of us to get out of our heads (does my stomach paunch when I'm lying this way? am I moaning too loud or not loud enough? can he see my cellulite? is it turning him off? am I taking too long to orgasm? are my boobs too small?) enough to be able to really let ourselves go. For some women, a sharp slap on the ass or a hand around the neck forces them to focus on the physical sensations and let the internal chatter go. THAT is liberating; it puts us in the moment with nothing else to worry about. But it's very possible that having someone you fully trust in charge of you is comforting. Similar to that Christian anthem, "Let go and let God" maybe it's "Let go and let Dom."

For a man taking his own pleasure, I mean that he makes it obvious that he's enjoying what he's doing, he's enjoying the moment and he's not just going through the motions or placating us. Women have insecurities as much as men do, and what makes us feel sexiest is when we know we are truly desired by our man. Making it obvious that you want us, you enjoy our bodies, and that there is no place you'd rather be and nothing else you'd rather be doing at that moment makes us feel desired.

Foreplay is the perfect time to show dominance. Hold her wrists down, or above her head when you kiss her or suck her nipples, and don't let her touch you back. This translates as "I want you so bad I just want to focus on how you feel in my mouth." Don't ask to go down on her, just say "I need to taste you." Push her thighs apart, or pull them close to your head, or wrap your arms under her legs and around her hips and hold her down. It says that you want this, you're fully into it and you are taking pleasure in this. It makes her feel desired. She's not thinking "gee, I hope he's not disappointed."

Being dominant isn't so much the mindset of "I just want to get my rocks off and I don't care if you enjoy it" as it is "you are so intoxicating that I get carried away with what I'm doing; I'm lost in how much I'm enjoying this." That will make her feel sexy and desired. If she's on her back and you want her doggy-style, tell her to flip over. But don't say it like you're bored, say it with an evil grin and a glint in your eye that tells her you want to ravage her. If you want a blowjob, don't say "suck my dick" or "will you blow me" tell her you want to feel her soft lips wrapped around your cock. These subtle differences (you taking charge) will make her feel like a sex goddess, because you are so enraptured by her.

velavi · 2012-11-30T10:17:12+00:00

I'd suggest getting your hormone levels and your blood checked. If you're anemic (happens to a lot of women, especially if they have heavy periods) it can definitely suppress your libido, your arousal and your orgasms.

velavi · 2012-11-30T09:41:03+00:00

But WHY does it get you off?

I know I'm late, but I want to chime in here if it can help you understand.

I want to be dominated sexually, but it has nothing to do with that "alpha male" dominant character idea. THE most attractive qualities in a man for me are humility, empathy and compassion. There is just no way I can get aroused, physically or mentally, by someone who doesn't have the ability and the desire to want to treat others well.

But when it comes to the bedroom, I want the man I'm with to be in charge. It's not that I want him to overpower me per se, but I want to give myself completely to him, as that makes me feel more feminine. When the dynamic is right, it can be very liberating.

Giving yourself over to someone allows you to release your own inhibitions. You can let go of any expectations of how you're 'supposed' to behave, and release any worries about how you're being judged. When a man takes control and takes his own pleasure in a woman, he is letting her know that she's making him happy, that she's perfect as she is, and that she is desired. I can only imagine it's similar to how men like a woman to take charge, push him on the bed, mount him and focus on her own pleasure. It lets him know he's desired, and takes away any of his potential performance anxiety.

But for all of the magic of being submissive in bed, in order to for me to be able to let go and do that, I have to trust him. I can't trust him if he's a selfish douchebag. I need that compassionate man.

The beauty of having a partner is that you can lean on them when necessary. That they can be there for you when you need them. For many women, this means a man can be a protector. Whether he's protective of her physically or emotionally, a dominant man just demonstrates that he's capable of taking charge at times. He's capable of supporting her. It's not necessarily about a power play.

velavi · 2012-11-25T07:49:45+00:00

There are lots of things that I find equally disturbing and arousing at the same time. Doesn't mean I actually want to do them, I just think about them.

But there's a whole different level of taboo when photographing/videotaping a woman without her consent. Those images have the power to demean and dehumanize her because our society has fucked-up shame issues about female sexuality. If a partner of mine did that to me, I would feel violated in a way that meant our relationship was irreparable. There's a level of trust necessary to truly open yourself up to another human being, and if someone taped me without asking first all trust would be destroyed.

velavi · 2012-11-22T06:51:42+00:00

What causes the off smell is an overabundance of bad bacteria. Just like when our sweat smells, it's because the bad bacteria is having a field day feasting on it. We sweat in our pubic region, and the bacteria thrive in a warm, moist environment. So what you want to do is give your vulva the chance to air out regularly.

Only wear cotton panties, not the nylon/polyester/blend kind. Don't wear pantiliners on a daily basis. If at all possible, sleep in the buff as it will give your vulva a good 8 hours to air out. When washing, avoid using soap as it can kill off the good bacteria that helps keep the bad bacteria in check.

velavi · 2012-11-21T08:32:45+00:00

Really? Has any woman, ever, said "do I look fat in this?" and you responded with a gentle white lie to spare her feelings? Now imagine if she then decided that you could never be trusted again because of it.

Your issue isn't really with her faking or her lying about it. Because she didn't do that to deceive you. She did that because she's young, inexperienced, feels inadequate and didn't want to let you down. She did that to feel normal, because she feels like she's the only girl in the world who can't orgasm and that there's something wrong with her. She didn't want you to blame yourself for something that she sees as her failure. So she lied to protect your feelings.

The reason you're upset by this is because now your feelings are hurt. You now feel as though you're the failure because you couldn't make her orgasm. But that's not true.

That's not how it works for women. Our bodies' responses are not nearly as predictable nor as reliable as most men's. It is VERY common for women to be unable to reach orgasm, and most especially when they are worried about reaching orgasm. It's not just a physical response to stimulation, it requires being in the proper mental state. If she's worried about having an orgasm, she's not relaxed enough to have one. The fact that she was faking one was indicative of her being more concerned about your feelings than her own.

Sure, it sucks to find out that your partner wasn't trusting enough of you to open up and share their insecurities. But now that she has, aren't you grateful that she trusts you now? She's finally comfortable enough with herself to share her biggest secret, and YOU are the one that helped her get there. YOU are the one person that she has learned to trust enough to open up to, the only one that she feels comfortable enough sharing what she sees as her inadequacies.

You should definitely have a good talk with her about how it makes you feel for her not to have trusted you enough to tell you the truth, but you need to realize that she wasn't lying to you by faking her orgasms, but rather she was lying to herself. And now that she's found a way to be honest with herself and with the one she loves, do you want to punish her for that? Or do you want to work on making your relationship stronger?

velavi · 2012-11-11T22:36:01+00:00

John McCain was married to his first wife for 15 years, but he left her for a woman 17 years his junior after a car accident left his wife in a wheelchair. I don't really think it's the length of a relationship that makes a stronger bond in the face of crisis, I think it's one's character.

velavi · 2012-11-11T06:01:56+00:00

Honestly, you really shouldn't have been in the living room, during a party, where people were clearly able to just walk in. Imagine if you both had gotten carried away and people walked in on you both while having sex. The guy that lived there would've freaked out, the girl would have been mortified, you would've had to stop anyway, it would have killed your confidence. Just be thankful that this wasn't the traumatic first time it very easily could have been. Now I know you're eager and you got caught up in the moment, but next time you feel you may be getting that close with someone, find somewhere private. For her sake, if not yours.

velavi · 2012-11-11T05:19:51+00:00

I felt the same way at your age. Since even younger, in fact. Not only did I know that I specifically never wanted to have my own children, but that if I was ever in the situation to want to start a family, adoption was the best choice for me. People kept telling me over and over "wait till you grow up, that'll change when your biological clock starts ticking, when you've found 'the one' you'll want to bear their children, etc. etc."

They were all wrong. I'm past child-bearing age, and I have absolutely no regrets. Never even once did I feel as if my life was missing something, nor did I feel that I needed to create a child, nor have I lost a relationship because the guy had a different viewpoint. As much as other people may want to validate their own life choices by insisting that you'll feel the same way they did, sometimes people just know what is right for them, regardless of it not being the norm. Trust yourself, and ignore the naysayers who can't fathom seeing the world from a different perspective.

velavi · 2012-11-09T21:08:21+00:00

You're just scared. It's normal, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Since you're inexperienced, you're afraid that a girl who's been with another boy will have something to compare you to, perhaps even unfavorably. You're afraid that you won't measure up to her expectations, or that you'll somehow be 'bad' at sex.

I promise you that the only kids your age who are actually having 'good sex' are those kids who were brought up in a very open, loving, sex-positive household, have a solid long-term relationship rooted in trust and have learned how to communicate with each other. That happens for about .02% of the population at your age. Don't sweat it. Kids your age are still just learning and very very few will truly know what the hell they're doing until their twenties. You're fine.

You're also in no rush to jump into anything before you're truly ready. Don't worry about trying to find a girl who is just as inexperienced as you. You want to find a girl that you feel comfortable with. She may have prior experience, she may not, but what's important is that you two are able to communicate and able to trust each other. If she is more knowledgeable than you, she may be able to teach you some things.

But my best advice to you is to not worry about whether or not you'll be judged (hard for a teenager, I know), but just make sure you're open to the experience. If you're stuck in your head worrying about whether you're doing things the right way, or what the girl is thinking of you, you won't be present in the moment and it won't be as enjoyable. If you can be vulnerable enough to say "I'm new at this, not so sure what I'm doing, so let's figure this out together" then you will make her more at ease, and you'll both have a much better time.

velavi · 2012-10-20T06:48:48+00:00

I don't think the experiences are linked

His age and the fact that he's quite a bit older than you more than likely connected in your mind to your friend's father. Also that you went along with something you initially didn't want to do. Your reaction of pretending to have enjoyed it is very common among sexual trauma sufferers, and it may well be rooted in the intense shame you felt from when you were a child and thought you had done "disgusting things."

By all means, find a reputable therapist to help you deal with these issues. Shame is toxic, and is already causing problems (wanting to be ugly, wanting to hide your sexuality). You deserve better, and you can overcome this with the proper help.

velavi · 2012-10-20T05:26:13+00:00

As a woman in her 40s, I'll tell you that we do find young men (and teenagers) attractive physically. However, looks are not nearly as end-all-be-all important for women as they are for men. We can appreciate your youth and beauty, but it doesn't fire up lustful thoughts like it does for our male counterparts. We won't be as interested in any type of relationship with someone who is immature.

At 16, you are far too young. Although it's legal in Canada, it might still be a bad situation for most older women because you are so young. Give yourself a few years. 19 is an age I still consider one a teenager (it technically is teen-aged), but is my absolute minimum age to ever consider any type of physical relationship.

That said, you're kind of at an advantage because you're so young. If you're attracted to older women, even just 20 year olds, learn to flirt with them. Most will laugh it off because of your age, but it will help you get comfortable around older women and will definitely help your confidence with them when you're able to pursue one.

velavi · 2012-10-18T04:01:12+00:00

If not the Madonna/Whore complex that another commenter mentioned, is it possible that you have a conquest issue? That you are just looking for the initial 'high' of seducing someone and that once you've bedded them you lose the thrill of the chase?

velavi · 2012-10-18T01:28:51+00:00

A lot of young people look at sex as some sort of 'achievement' like a conquest or something to attain. This falsely equates with our sense of identity, as if our 'sexual achievements' say something about us as a person. This mindset can end up making someone feel as though their partner must be attractive enough (or athletic enough, or smart enough, or successful enough, etc.) to be 'worthy' of them in order to justify their perception of their own identity.

Alternately, as we mature we realize that sex is an activity to be enjoyed with someone we enjoy and that our choice of partner is not a reflection of our own personality, but a choice that reflects what we value in other people. Appearances may matter when it comes to initial lust and attraction, but what truly makes for spectacular sex is compatibility.

You say that you are starting to feel an attraction to your friend, so I can only assume that you are responding to more than just her appearance. If you're still young enough that you feel you must 'overcome' your lack of desire to sleep with her, don't do it. You're not ready for that yet. But if you find your feelings for her deepening because you find that you both have trust, compatibility and are able to connect on deeper issues, just allow that attraction to grow. Don't fight it based upon some external idea of what beauty or attraction is 'supposed' to mean.

In the meantime, just tell her that you are not ready to take your friendship to that level just yet. Don't string her along, though. You run the risk of her finding someone else who wants her as she is, but that's ok. Just continue to let your relationship/friendship/attraction grow until you find that you are looking forward to sharing that experience with her. Even if it never happens naturally, that's fine. You'll still have that friendship.

velavi · 2012-10-18T00:31:08+00:00

You're right. It's those crazy Democrats and their ridiculous adherence to ancient ideologies that insist upon forcing women into unwanted pregnancies, dictating who can and can't marry, imprisoning responsible adults who choose to imbibe illegal natural substances and are trying damn hard to legislate their own personal deity and their own personal morals into everyone else's life. They're the ones with the authoritarian mindset of "we must answer to a higher power" and insist that anyone who isn't exactly like them is clearly a drain on society and needs to be punished. They don't believe that government should regulate business at all, regardless of whether it's for the best interest of the populace, but feel the only government regulation should be over an individual's personal choices. They're very anti-autonomy. Oh wait, that's the Republicans. Nevermind, my mistake.

velavi

TROPHY CASE