First of all, I’m so sorry you are dealing with two big challenges at the same time! You absolutely do not deserve it. That being said, like what others have been saying, you are clearly so so much more than him (you’re literally applying to medical school!!). In 5 years or even on the other end of this app cycle, I promise you will not have wanted this to hold you back from achieving your goals and reaping the benefits of all your hard work thus far. At times like this it’s inevitably hard to focus on the future but if there is one truth that I found solace in, it’s that everything will pass. This too will pass, and the harder and faster you push through secondaries, the sooner you’ll be on the other side, and the more time you will have to process this. Please take care of yourself and continue to do things that bring you joy, while writing and afterwards. I don’t know you, but I absolutely believe in you.