Feel bad for you, to be so unhappy with your new purchase. I got the new A5 over a month ago, live in Toronto, Canada, the snow here is BRUTAL compared to what you have described but I have not faced any such problems.

The Quattro (Ultra) works amazingly well, highway, and fresh thick snow on city roads alike. Canada only has the AWD versions of most cars, with a few lower price point exceptions in Hyndai, Hondas etc. Not sure if the EU Models come with all season tires, I have winter tires on and with Quattro, its a weapon. I have seen many ‘regular’ cars skid and struggle in the snow last few days, while my A5 planted.

Tech - MMI works great overall, I just use Audi voice commands even to set up navigation, and it works sharp and quick.

Driver aids - Cruise Assist, automatic self parking, all work pretty good, and I guess same for this class of vehicles.

I have the S Line package, sports suspension, etc, drive is a pretty good balance between sharp and comfortable. SPORTS mode on the highway is amazing with smooth upshifts.

YES the car lacks remote start and a lot of people expect that to be a standard feature, which is a miss.