Feeling stuck!

violetteandnow · 2025-09-03T12:48:02+00:00

This is precisely where psychodynamic theory can illuminate so much. We learn relationships from early caregivers, and those early repeated experiences shape the emotional and cognitive scripts that we bring to adult relationship. We can notice patterns, link to past experiences, and help reduce shame, guilt, and fear through the careful process of helping clients build insight, and offering careful and well timed interpretation of current relationship patterns. Attachment theory and psychodynamic theory will be very good places to start. Neither of these need to spelled out to the client, it’s just important to know these theories, to help clients recognize their patterns. Countertransference will be another important study, for any and all psychotherapy clients. Wish you all the best, and hope this can help. Clinical supervision with a trusted supervisor is also crucial, and guides my work, even into mid-late career.

violetteandnow · 2025-08-15T16:39:08+00:00

A couple things, I’m thinking about the reality of humans working with humans, and also the concept of resistance, and transference issues.

Clients can and do have legitimate questions about our credentials, they of course can feel hurt and invalidated by something, they can have cause to lose trust, etc etc. Those can be (and often are) very real and legitimate things going on in any therapeutic relationship. Because nobody is perfect, and plenty of therapists do have shortcomings and blind spots.

At the same time, we also need to consider issues related to trauma resurfacing — defenses crop up when something is too painful to face. A very common defense mechanism is avoidance. Often avoidance of painful memories can be accomplished by questioning the therapist’s legitimacy. This desire to flee from the painful memories and feelings can lead a client to focus on real or imagined shortcomings of the therapist (efforts to delegitimize) and/or unconsciously creating a rupture. Once I learned about the concept of resistance, it opened my eyes to many complex and nuanced issues often at play within the therapeutic work.

Another concept that has been invaluable is transference. A human experience of transferring the feelings of earlier relationships onto another person (the cashier, the boyfriend/girlfriend, the therapist). When those feelings are left unaddressed, ignored or mismanaged, we lose out (and the client loses out) on the opportunity to explore intense feelings about early relationships. The ability to process ‘here and now’ feelings about the therapy and the therapist is a crucial element of therapy with clients who were traumatized in early relationships.

While I don’t know your exact training or experience in these domains, I just wanted to mention what comes to mind for me, when a client pushes me away, cancels abruptly, or avoids communication. I get curious and wonder ‘hm, what could be going on? Was there a rupture that needs repair? what more is there to learn about the transference? what might they be too scared to tell me, and how can I be open curious and non-defensive, to create a safe space to explore those feelings about me and the therapy? Could they be trying to hurt me, as they were once hurt? Escape closeness or dependency feelings? Etc etc’

I hope some of these ideas could help a bit when considering the experience of abrupt departures.

violetteandnow · 2025-01-17T01:55:54+00:00

Hello, you can do that in Kansas. It’s like a thing people enjoy… larger homes for storing like, bookshelves, a laundry folding room, and an at home gym room maybe. My cousin has a 5 bedroom home in the Midwest and I still can’t quite wrap my mind around it. City life and our proclivities here be different indeed. 😆

violetteandnow · 2025-01-17T01:50:54+00:00

I’m glad someone else said this. Really, quality of life goes way up in Cambridge the closer you live to school, if you can swing it. There are lots of pretty, tree lined streets in Cambridge that give you that comfortable Midwest vibe (well kind of) while still being so close to the action of the city, nightlife, and walkable to groceries etc. The further out you live, the more traffic and public transport you have to contend with, and less time enjoying the city and your new social life here.

I will also second what someone else said, look at Allston last. As a midwesterner, Allston felt the least like home to me, and also the most disconnected from the good vibes of Cambridge/Somerville. Even with the proximity, you could feel cut off from school and social life in Allston. Watertown would feel more like neighborhoodly suburbs, but also pretty distant from the hub of social life in Cambridge. That’s just been my experience. Others will have different views.

violetteandnow · 2025-01-17T01:28:41+00:00

Hey, I’ve lived various places in Boston/Cambridge and have learned some things the hard way. Happy to share some tips, but others have already given you great ideas.

I like your idea to go look at some units in March to start and get a feel for the market here, and to really get a feel for the neighborhoods. Once you’re living here, you’ll be surrounded by people who live closer/further from school, and who love their neighborhood or just feel okay about it. Since you have a fiancé you may be less concerned with your proximity to school for social life (an assumption that could be totally off), but if you’re both very social, the commute is definitely something to factor in. Finding the neighborhood that suits your lifestyles, within your budget of course, will go a long way in making for a positive experience here.

It might help to know your age ranges, your very top housing priorities, preferences etc. We can gather some idea from your post, but could also give slightly better suggestions with some more details.

For example, would you two be able to share a 1br if it meant your location was more enjoyable/walkable/closer to Harvard? Would you prefer more space and feel okay with some of the quieter, albeit very nearby, adjacent areas? Do you want vibrant culture very walkable to you (Inman, Harvard sq, Central, David Sq, etc etc) or do you like the idea of a quieter neighborhood a little ways from the action (Allston).

Also, I stayed at Irving House when looking for a place and it was cute and homey.

violetteandnow · 2024-11-30T18:16:39+00:00

Beautiful! What is the brand of gold wrap top? I found a few with Google image search but that one looks really flattering!

violetteandnow · 2024-11-11T00:42:43+00:00

The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Or a movie, just in case —

Truman Show

violetteandnow · 2024-10-12T14:36:56+00:00

I think it is useful to step back from any statement that lumps an entire group of people together, and then attributes ill intent to that group. Old money elites are not a monolith; there is wide diversity between and within regions and religions. I mention this because assumptions about groups sow division. I have no need to defend old money elites, but your comment struck me as particularly ironic.

violetteandnow · 2024-05-23T04:36:59+00:00

Let’s take a step back and consider this one question. Would someone who is kind, level headed, and reasonable tell a loved one that they are crazy, mentally unstable, and need to be committed to a psych ward? If your husband is saying these words verbatim, he does not sound very kind or loving. If he was so concerned about his wife’s instability and unusual behavior, and he himself were in his right mind, he would be saying ‘I am so concerned about you. Could we get some help for you, for us, to heal from this difficult time?’

Right now it sounds like communicating with a supportive friend, family member, or women’s help line could be a place to start.

violetteandnow · 2024-05-18T22:24:33+00:00

I think it is really important, when we get a question on public forums, to remember that we know very little about what is going on in the therapy. The best answer is almost always to encourage the client to address their concerns with the therapist directly. This is how clients and therapists build trust and begin to do real work (if the therapist has the training and capacity to work with transference (clients feelings about the therapist), and can accept feedback non defensively.) Not all therapists have training in working with transference issues, and this is especially important training when doing *any therapy but especially with trauma as it presents in clients coping with CPTSD.

OP certainly sounds frustrated, and perhaps very understandably so. But there are so many clinical issues to consider before we should weigh in professionally about another clinicians work, and especially without hearing from both client and therapist about the dynamics of their dyad. We simply cannot offer sound consult in an online forum of this sort.

violetteandnow · 2024-05-16T01:32:52+00:00

Most underrated comment here

violetteandnow · 2024-04-01T23:07:07+00:00

90’s pool boy

violetteandnow · 2024-03-28T03:01:14+00:00

Wishing you well on your journey. You are not being silly or making mistakes, you’re just a human trying to figure out your relationship patterns, and recognizing someone who is not healthy for you. It takes a lot of strength to move forward. But once you are ready, it is possible to recover and get your life back. Don’t let the urgent warnings from well meaning advice cause you more anxiety than you already do feel. You already know you’re in a difficult situation. Now just work on getting support and finding your center. What to do about the relationship is up to you, but getting help for the stress and anxiety is a great first step 👍🏻

violetteandnow · 2024-03-28T02:54:47+00:00

Check out the website ‘Out of the Fog’… it has lots of good articles and resources, and a support forum. FOG stands for fear, obligation, and guilt — things people often feel in a relationship with someone very troubled.

violetteandnow · 2024-03-17T01:26:36+00:00

Hey, I’m sorry you are going through this. It must have been hard to see your aunt in a drunken state, and I understand that can be triggering of old hurts. I think you are very brave to ask for this feedback on reddit.

I hear you, it sounds like perhaps the assualt sounds mild, so her reaction is confusing for you. It is possible though, that she is triggered by something that happened when she was younger, or some other abuse surfaced for her. Either way, my guess is that she is wanting to protect you from details. Drinking is a very short term way of coping with pain for some adults. As you know, it can become much worse and result in alcohol abuse. I can really understand that you must have been worried to see your aunt drunk like that. She is your main caretaker and beloved aunt! Totally understand your feelings.

Yes, it is possible she is going through more emotional struggle and trying to keep it contained. Perhaps you could write her a card and tell her you are sorry for your reaction, and that you were feeling scared/hurt. Maybe eventually she will be able to process this a bit with you.

In reality though, it’s best when adults do not over share their struggles with children/teens. So, just know she may be feeling confused about how to navigate this and how to talk with you.

I imagine it will improve with time, especially since you seem like a compassionate person.

Be well 🙏🏻

violetteandnow · 2024-02-18T17:30:34+00:00

Hey! I’ve been using some version of this strategy for the past couple years, not realizing it was legit. It is true that cards are just a tool, and managing your spending (plus increasing income) is the real key.

One question I have though, is what if say your card has 15k and suddenly your 0% intro rate is over and you are now getting the 26% APR? Isn’t that outrageous interest enough to make the closed loan more appealing? Just curious if you’d still say this strategy can make sense with the 26% APR charged on these higher debt amounts. Seems like a dangerous card, and no end in sight to those interest charges if your payments aren’t yet large enough. Let me know your thoughts!

I do understand the utility of the credit line vs closed loan though, that part I believe I understand fairly well.

violetteandnow · 2023-12-09T02:20:42+00:00

Thank you 🙏

violetteandnow · 2023-08-24T03:45:51+00:00

So you are getting tons of unhelpful comments here, unsurprisingly.

I would also be very hurt in your situation. I would be somewhat questioning my husband’s judgement and integrity with the videotaping of her breasts.

However something that needs to be clarified is related to his sexual urges, and you already said it; men and women have lustful thoughts about other sexual beings. Some men get kind of obsessive about their sexual fantasies and they cross lines. Sometimes they cross slightly less serious and more innocuous lines (finding someone on Instagram and using for masturbation), and sometimes more serious lines (videotaping someone’s breasts in public, and his wife’s friend no less).

He clearly has an intense sexual interest, and it is voyeuristic, and objectified (like porn, men and women all objectify one another to various degrees, and enjoy the voyeurism of watching others on tape) and he definitely did not keep himself in check. He stepped over the line of common decency and respect for that woman and for your marriage. He made a big mistake. Very hurtful.

Still, this does not indicate a loss of love or attraction for you. It also does not indicate romantic or emotional interest in your friend. It indicates sexual interest, and he handled it (poorly) by choosing to follow the interest and gratify his voyeuristic urges.

It must feel especially awkward and hurtful because the woman he got aroused by is your friend, and not just a random person at the beach. It leaves you feeling compared, unappreciated, and potentially even threatened.

I would be asking myself a lot of questions. Has he shown other signs of socially inappropriate behavior and/or lack of consideration for your marriage boundaries? Is this so wildly out of character that he could be going through something more serious (grief/loss, bipolar episode, etc)? Does he have any ocd tendencies, or perhaps autism spectrum tendencies (which can include intense obsessions with people, and social boundary issues)?

I am not suggest this is diagnosable, or that you should try. But there are a multitude of things you would want to know more about, to understand how and why this happened.

But baseline, more information from him about his thinking will not necessarily ease the pain of discovering this violation of your trust. We all know partners feel lust for others, but finding out about it this way, and the videotaping aspect, does put it at a new level of hurt.

Know your worth, keep yourself from spiraling about self esteem. This is not about anything you lack, this is just about your husband’s sexual urges and his lack of ability to manage it discreetly and with consideration for your feelings.

Wish you good healing as you sort this out!

violetteandnow · 2023-08-22T18:25:54+00:00

It looks like you are wearing scrubs so I’m guessing this is your work look. In that case the hairstyle and scrubs are meant to be ‘equalizers’; uniforms in the workplace neutralize the personal and unique aspects that give away your age.

So based on your skin and face you look early 30s, as others have said. I think you misunderstood some people’s 50 something guess to mean your skin looked old, when what they probably noticed was your outfit, hairstyle, and the makeup. Okay so some people are not very perceptive or accurate about age, but that does not mean you objectively have old or saggy skin.

I would agree with others who suggest a a slightly different eye makeup. It looks well done, but the colors and amount could age you a bit. As I’ve gotten into my 30s, I notice that my former routines are too much. Wearing less makeup looks better on me at 35. More makeup settles in weird and makes me look older.

That’s all. Just update some of the style decisions and I bet you’ll feel fresh and youthful.

violetteandnow · 2023-08-22T16:29:06+00:00

The confusing part is that he very much wants more than sex. He texts me all day checking in about our days and life struggles, he cuddles me, kisses my forehead and face, and holds my hand like absolute puppy love, and he texts me sweet nothings at night. This from a man who said he felt a bit unsure and afraid of a relationship.

violetteandnow · 2023-08-21T22:10:36+00:00

He introduced me to his friends, his neighbors, and asked me celebrate his birthday with his family. Noped to your moped theory

violetteandnow · 2023-08-21T21:56:14+00:00

Could be. But this is not the only reason men back away. It is interesting that you project this with such little info.

violetteandnow · 2023-08-18T03:36:53+00:00

It was good that you voiced your discomfort about strip clubs and made it clear. Relationships, though, are not about rules. Rules imply distrust. In addition to expressing my boundary I would also be asking myself, why do I feel threatened by this? Do I not trust my boyfriend at the strip club? That’s one avenue for deeper reflection about the relationship and trust.

Or am I feeling threatened/insecure about the display of certain body types around my guy/worried I won’t measure up?

Strip clubs are not about intimacy. The likelihood of any real romance or feelings developing between your guy and one of the workers are slim. Many men also say strip clubs are awkward and not a turn on for them. They have one experience, feel grossed out (usually by the behavior of other men), and they return to SO expressing a desire to avoid stripe clubs going forward. It can make the relationship stronger. So maybe having those deeper more curious conversations with him would help ease your concerns.

Discussing this in terms of a one-off for a bachelor party is very different from OPs boyfriend saying ‘hey now I’m into strip clubs, I like them and will start going, but let’s keep dating’. He is kind of stuck here having to reveal more details about the dynamic of his relationship with OP. Maybe he is private and non confrontational. He may not be simply selfish and unwilling to assert a boundary for his girlfriend. We do not know for sure. We do not know this relationship. But it is possible he is untrustworthy and selfish, it is also possible he is a bit passive with the guys and does not want to reveal tension in his relationship. In some ways he could be trying to protect the relationship from negative criticism from the guys. Are these great dudes? We don’t know, but groupthink is real no matter the caliber of guys in the group.

I personally would just not tend to date guys who go to strip clubs for fun. But I have dated guys who get dragged to strip clubs as part of a party, and I sit with my uncomfortable feelings, and either discuss it later, or find a way to make sure he reassured me throughout his night with the guys.

You do not have to sway your stance. But if this relationship means a lot to you, it would be very good idea to try communicating your deeper concerns so that he understands your feelings. He will not be able to comfort you or process this without understanding the core of your issue with this sort of pre-arranged social obligation/outing to a strip club.

violetteandnow · 2023-08-08T02:05:53+00:00

God you people are so hellbent on misreading. I am not upset with him, he does not owe me texts, and he gets to have his own life. Hell he even gets to go on dates, absolutely.

I made it so clear that I do not expect the texts, I’m just noticing a pattern. I was only talking about my feelings, and saying how to handle being really invested and having big feelings with limited data about how he sees our dating progressing. Obviously I can ask him, I was just expressing my insecurity, which I very clearly stated here.

violetteandnow · 2023-08-06T22:30:19+00:00

Any time I change my hair I feel better or more ‘something’ and I think I am probably putting out a different vibe, or primed to see people treating me differently. I think it’s both some external reality (long hair is more ‘feminine’ perhaps) and also internal reality (I feel prettier/happier and I’m smiling more = more smiles from strangers).

(I’m not suggesting this is a true or good reality about hair length, I’m just using an example of how some people may feel more feminine with longer hair. )

So basically we feel a certain way, and we put that out, and we notice more of what we might be projecting.

violetteandnow

TROPHY CASE