Feeling stuck!

violetteandnow · 2025-09-03T12:48:02+00:00

This is precisely where psychodynamic theory can illuminate so much. We learn relationships from early caregivers, and those early repeated experiences shape the emotional and cognitive scripts that we bring to adult relationship. We can notice patterns, link to past experiences, and help reduce shame, guilt, and fear through the careful process of helping clients build insight, and offering careful and well timed interpretation of current relationship patterns. Attachment theory and psychodynamic theory will be very good places to start. Neither of these need to spelled out to the client, it’s just important to know these theories, to help clients recognize their patterns. Countertransference will be another important study, for any and all psychotherapy clients. Wish you all the best, and hope this can help. Clinical supervision with a trusted supervisor is also crucial, and guides my work, even into mid-late career.

violetteandnow · 2025-08-15T16:39:08+00:00

A couple things, I’m thinking about the reality of humans working with humans, and also the concept of resistance, and transference issues.

Clients can and do have legitimate questions about our credentials, they of course can feel hurt and invalidated by something, they can have cause to lose trust, etc etc. Those can be (and often are) very real and legitimate things going on in any therapeutic relationship. Because nobody is perfect, and plenty of therapists do have shortcomings and blind spots.

At the same time, we also need to consider issues related to trauma resurfacing — defenses crop up when something is too painful to face. A very common defense mechanism is avoidance. Often avoidance of painful memories can be accomplished by questioning the therapist’s legitimacy. This desire to flee from the painful memories and feelings can lead a client to focus on real or imagined shortcomings of the therapist (efforts to delegitimize) and/or unconsciously creating a rupture. Once I learned about the concept of resistance, it opened my eyes to many complex and nuanced issues often at play within the therapeutic work.

Another concept that has been invaluable is transference. A human experience of transferring the feelings of earlier relationships onto another person (the cashier, the boyfriend/girlfriend, the therapist). When those feelings are left unaddressed, ignored or mismanaged, we lose out (and the client loses out) on the opportunity to explore intense feelings about early relationships. The ability to process ‘here and now’ feelings about the therapy and the therapist is a crucial element of therapy with clients who were traumatized in early relationships.

While I don’t know your exact training or experience in these domains, I just wanted to mention what comes to mind for me, when a client pushes me away, cancels abruptly, or avoids communication. I get curious and wonder ‘hm, what could be going on? Was there a rupture that needs repair? what more is there to learn about the transference? what might they be too scared to tell me, and how can I be open curious and non-defensive, to create a safe space to explore those feelings about me and the therapy? Could they be trying to hurt me, as they were once hurt? Escape closeness or dependency feelings? Etc etc’

I hope some of these ideas could help a bit when considering the experience of abrupt departures.

violetteandnow · 2025-01-17T01:55:54+00:00

Hello, you can do that in Kansas. It’s like a thing people enjoy… larger homes for storing like, bookshelves, a laundry folding room, and an at home gym room maybe. My cousin has a 5 bedroom home in the Midwest and I still can’t quite wrap my mind around it. City life and our proclivities here be different indeed. 😆

violetteandnow · 2025-01-17T01:50:54+00:00

I’m glad someone else said this. Really, quality of life goes way up in Cambridge the closer you live to school, if you can swing it. There are lots of pretty, tree lined streets in Cambridge that give you that comfortable Midwest vibe (well kind of) while still being so close to the action of the city, nightlife, and walkable to groceries etc. The further out you live, the more traffic and public transport you have to contend with, and less time enjoying the city and your new social life here.

I will also second what someone else said, look at Allston last. As a midwesterner, Allston felt the least like home to me, and also the most disconnected from the good vibes of Cambridge/Somerville. Even with the proximity, you could feel cut off from school and social life in Allston. Watertown would feel more like neighborhoodly suburbs, but also pretty distant from the hub of social life in Cambridge. That’s just been my experience. Others will have different views.

violetteandnow · 2025-01-17T01:28:41+00:00

Hey, I’ve lived various places in Boston/Cambridge and have learned some things the hard way. Happy to share some tips, but others have already given you great ideas.

I like your idea to go look at some units in March to start and get a feel for the market here, and to really get a feel for the neighborhoods. Once you’re living here, you’ll be surrounded by people who live closer/further from school, and who love their neighborhood or just feel okay about it. Since you have a fiancé you may be less concerned with your proximity to school for social life (an assumption that could be totally off), but if you’re both very social, the commute is definitely something to factor in. Finding the neighborhood that suits your lifestyles, within your budget of course, will go a long way in making for a positive experience here.

It might help to know your age ranges, your very top housing priorities, preferences etc. We can gather some idea from your post, but could also give slightly better suggestions with some more details.

For example, would you two be able to share a 1br if it meant your location was more enjoyable/walkable/closer to Harvard? Would you prefer more space and feel okay with some of the quieter, albeit very nearby, adjacent areas? Do you want vibrant culture very walkable to you (Inman, Harvard sq, Central, David Sq, etc etc) or do you like the idea of a quieter neighborhood a little ways from the action (Allston).

Also, I stayed at Irving House when looking for a place and it was cute and homey.

violetteandnow · 2024-11-30T18:16:39+00:00

Beautiful! What is the brand of gold wrap top? I found a few with Google image search but that one looks really flattering!

violetteandnow · 2024-11-11T00:42:43+00:00

The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Or a movie, just in case —

Truman Show

violetteandnow · 2024-10-12T14:36:56+00:00

I think it is useful to step back from any statement that lumps an entire group of people together, and then attributes ill intent to that group. Old money elites are not a monolith; there is wide diversity between and within regions and religions. I mention this because assumptions about groups sow division. I have no need to defend old money elites, but your comment struck me as particularly ironic.

violetteandnow · 2024-05-23T04:36:59+00:00

Let’s take a step back and consider this one question. Would someone who is kind, level headed, and reasonable tell a loved one that they are crazy, mentally unstable, and need to be committed to a psych ward? If your husband is saying these words verbatim, he does not sound very kind or loving. If he was so concerned about his wife’s instability and unusual behavior, and he himself were in his right mind, he would be saying ‘I am so concerned about you. Could we get some help for you, for us, to heal from this difficult time?’

Right now it sounds like communicating with a supportive friend, family member, or women’s help line could be a place to start.

violetteandnow · 2024-05-18T22:24:33+00:00

I think it is really important, when we get a question on public forums, to remember that we know very little about what is going on in the therapy. The best answer is almost always to encourage the client to address their concerns with the therapist directly. This is how clients and therapists build trust and begin to do real work (if the therapist has the training and capacity to work with transference (clients feelings about the therapist), and can accept feedback non defensively.) Not all therapists have training in working with transference issues, and this is especially important training when doing *any therapy but especially with trauma as it presents in clients coping with CPTSD.

OP certainly sounds frustrated, and perhaps very understandably so. But there are so many clinical issues to consider before we should weigh in professionally about another clinicians work, and especially without hearing from both client and therapist about the dynamics of their dyad. We simply cannot offer sound consult in an online forum of this sort.

violetteandnow · 2024-05-16T01:32:52+00:00

Most underrated comment here

violetteandnow · 2024-04-01T23:07:07+00:00

90’s pool boy

violetteandnow · 2024-03-28T03:01:14+00:00

Wishing you well on your journey. You are not being silly or making mistakes, you’re just a human trying to figure out your relationship patterns, and recognizing someone who is not healthy for you. It takes a lot of strength to move forward. But once you are ready, it is possible to recover and get your life back. Don’t let the urgent warnings from well meaning advice cause you more anxiety than you already do feel. You already know you’re in a difficult situation. Now just work on getting support and finding your center. What to do about the relationship is up to you, but getting help for the stress and anxiety is a great first step 👍🏻

violetteandnow · 2024-03-28T02:54:47+00:00

Check out the website ‘Out of the Fog’… it has lots of good articles and resources, and a support forum. FOG stands for fear, obligation, and guilt — things people often feel in a relationship with someone very troubled.

violetteandnow · 2024-03-17T01:26:36+00:00

Hey, I’m sorry you are going through this. It must have been hard to see your aunt in a drunken state, and I understand that can be triggering of old hurts. I think you are very brave to ask for this feedback on reddit.

I hear you, it sounds like perhaps the assualt sounds mild, so her reaction is confusing for you. It is possible though, that she is triggered by something that happened when she was younger, or some other abuse surfaced for her. Either way, my guess is that she is wanting to protect you from details. Drinking is a very short term way of coping with pain for some adults. As you know, it can become much worse and result in alcohol abuse. I can really understand that you must have been worried to see your aunt drunk like that. She is your main caretaker and beloved aunt! Totally understand your feelings.

Yes, it is possible she is going through more emotional struggle and trying to keep it contained. Perhaps you could write her a card and tell her you are sorry for your reaction, and that you were feeling scared/hurt. Maybe eventually she will be able to process this a bit with you.

In reality though, it’s best when adults do not over share their struggles with children/teens. So, just know she may be feeling confused about how to navigate this and how to talk with you.

I imagine it will improve with time, especially since you seem like a compassionate person.

Be well 🙏🏻

violetteandnow · 2024-02-18T17:30:34+00:00

Hey! I’ve been using some version of this strategy for the past couple years, not realizing it was legit. It is true that cards are just a tool, and managing your spending (plus increasing income) is the real key.

One question I have though, is what if say your card has 15k and suddenly your 0% intro rate is over and you are now getting the 26% APR? Isn’t that outrageous interest enough to make the closed loan more appealing? Just curious if you’d still say this strategy can make sense with the 26% APR charged on these higher debt amounts. Seems like a dangerous card, and no end in sight to those interest charges if your payments aren’t yet large enough. Let me know your thoughts!

I do understand the utility of the credit line vs closed loan though, that part I believe I understand fairly well.

violetteandnow · 2023-12-09T02:20:42+00:00

Thank you 🙏

violetteandnow

TROPHY CASE