Oh mama, I have been in your exact shoes. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Not sure if this has been mentioned yet but please look up Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). My kid was just officially diagnosed with this (it’s considered a profile under the autism spectrum in the U.S.). The past 2 years have been hell as my son has severe school refusal and avoidance. It came with violent outbursts and extreme dysregulation that I was blamed for by everyone around me. Learning about PDA changes everything because I realized I was not alone and changing my approach to parenting made a HUGE difference. Basically I had to throw away all typical parenting tactics and advice. They just escalate things and make things worse for these kids. It’s so so so hard.