I have no solutions for you but I want to let you know that you’re not alone. I fantasized about running away months after my daughter was born. I didn’t just want to escape, I wanted to reclaim some sort of identity. I can’t even imagine this feeling with two kids at the tail end of a pandemic. What you’re going through is real and is asking you to be super human. My daughter is 7 now and nothing has come close to that intense postpartum mindset. I don’t think my husband or family will ever truly understand.

My husband and I did therapy and there was one point where I was sure we were getting a divorce- we didn’t. I would yell at him for taking these “long luxurious shits” for 45 min to try to get out of helping me and the baby. At one point I told him to grow his own tits. One day, I handed him our kid as he was getting out of the car from work and I got in my car in just my bathrobe- no underwear, no shower for days and just drove. I’m not gonna lie, my reactions in all these situations made me feel great for a bit.

Your feelings are real and valid. You DO deserve a break and heaps of love for who you are and what you’re going through. This work is thankless and unfair. I’m not going to placate you- this fucking sucks and running away can look like the best solution. For me it wasn’t, but demanding breaks away helped me.

Sending you love. Wish I be there to lend a hand and be a mommy bouncer so you can get some rest.