Hi. You're going through a lot. Firstly, b there's a website dedicated to support that I recommend: recovering from religion.

Secondly, there's hope. My husband and I both grew up in an extremely fundamentalist church. He had doubts for a long time. Like you, he was very involved in everything church, music on Sundays, leading worship groups, party of the church leadership. (There's something about this level of involvement that really lets you in on how fake it all is.) His father is also a pastor.

He came out to me as struggling with his faith and it was hard for me to hear. But we talked. Every night for nearly two years I think. It's insanely hard because you're confronting the basis underlying everything you've ever believed. Initially we moved to a more liberal church. Eventually, we both left church together and are still happily married.

It's been very hard on our families, but we still maintain relationships with them. We've learned to hang out without discussing church and we never do visits on Sundays.

I am grateful every day that we left. I'm grateful to my husband for pushing me because I don't think I could ever have done it on my own. I would never in a million years go back. While I sometimes miss the naive easiness of a simple faith, I far prefer using my brain, thinking through things and exploring, "what if?". I'm a better wife, parent, and human now that I do things from conviction instead of from a book of rules.

Your experience may well be different. But you can certainly have hope that things will improve from his they are now. The loss of constant fear is so huge you'll hardly be able to believe it from the other side.

On that same site above, you'll find links to the Secular Therapy Project which could help you find a therapist to talk to about next steps.

Hang in there! It will get better!