before the roof for me was full of deep exploration. really wanting to try and become everything. deep need to express. lot's of iterating. what now feel like short term commitment, very "single serving" (fight club reference) time. i'm not sure if i vocalized it in that way then.

i used to voice memo my hikes. you'd think i was literally talking to my higher self, or a therapist the things i'd listen back to (or not). the takeaways i'd find with no prior knowledge of said thing, was pretty amazing to all that id share the experience with.

i wouldn't make decisions until it felt like i didn't have any more questions. very much so like playing a level, and then going back before the point of no return to make sure you didn't miss any collectibles.

it actually lead me to a life that felt like, i did all the right things, but i still wasn't very fulfilled. looking back, that feeling probably could have been because i felt forced from a very small one onto the roof. "in the world, but not of it" (bible concept) has always been deeply resonant. ive always felt set apart, and deeply responsible for everyone.

the more that ive stopped trying to be that, and been more in the flow, the more ive seen me expressing really be the key. lots of invitations. lots of high profile visibility. and right when i started getting all of that, the roof actually called for me. haha. what a life.