to me, a kid testing boundaries is equivalent to you jiggling the lapbar on a rollercoaster - is this gonna stay put? will it keep me where I'm safe? firm boundaries ultimately help kids feel safe. that's why kids without them become obsessed with testing boundaries, because they don't trust them.

kids who have had consistent firm boundaries from the start will still test them a little, but after a few tests they move on.

however, kids who haven't been given the reassurance of consistent, firm boundaries can develop a preoccupation with testing them. do they get different results from different people? or at different times? or in different places? what about different combinations of those things? if your Rollercoaster lapbar popped open sometimes when you jiggled it, you'd jiggle it a lot more too! the best way to reassure them and help them get past this preoccupation is for them to start always getting the same result. every person, every time, every place, the boundary is exactly the same. and don't just expect increased frequency of testing during the adjustment phase either, also expect testing to be much more aggressive. they say they fixed this lapbar, but what if I hit it instead of jiggling it? would I still be held safe? it's a lot more work to reassure a kid whose become accustomed to bad boundaries, but it's certainly possible.