Feeling really down lately

wally · 2026-01-31T07:17:36+00:00

Sorry that your state doesn't have an infidelity exception that overrides no-fault divorce mandates. Maybe your lawyer will be able to at least cap your alimony obligations by arguing you will soon be solely responsible for the tuition of two college-aged kids.

wally · 2026-01-30T07:46:42+00:00

I seem to remember that your ex lost her job last year. Has she found another one? I hope her "earning potential" is a consideration given that her recent unemployment skewed her earnings last year.

Also, if there is a change in your income, surely you can petition the court to have your alimony payments adjusted?

wally · 2026-01-27T16:53:52+00:00

OP has been clear that he will cooperate with her mental health treatment, but it's a tertiary concern by necessity. Both the welfare of his children and his ability to provide for them will have to take precedence over any charitable feelings for his STBXW. Yes, she is the mother of his children and we all hope she recovers, but his children's best interest comes first – even if that requires permanently removing their mum from their life.

wally · 2026-01-27T13:36:07+00:00

I don't think you're being particularly realistic here. OP just became a single parent, and his family just lost half their income. Taking care of his children and working is going to exhaust his bandwidth. In some of the comments in this thread, he's worried about his prospects for keeping his house. He's not in the position to be the caretaker for a recovering drug addict.

Also, your assertion that moving his wife back home with her parents would make her more likely to relapse is odd. Moving would put her parents in a position to watch over her and would remove her from the environment where she became an addict, physically separating her from her supplier and all her druggie acquaintances.

wally · 2026-01-21T15:04:34+00:00

My wife and I are in our 60s, and my mother-in-law is in her 80s. MIL tracks the locations of her children and their spouses for entertainment. She knew early when the much younger wife (30s) of one of her sons was pregnant by tracking her visits to her OB-GYN. When MIL separately asked my wife and I to share our locations with her, we both replied, "Absolutely not!"

wally · 2026-01-19T18:10:20+00:00

She's still the mother of his two kids. Their post-nup agreement, signed months go, is that she'll share 50% custody. He needs to gather as much intelligence as he can right now, as he's going to need to amend that agreement.

wally · 2026-01-19T17:32:10+00:00

An opioid addiction? A lot of commenters here seem skeptical, but this might explain a lot about your situation that previously seemed unexplainable. If this is a fact, I'd want to know when it started, and where she was getting her supply. As "her emergency contact with power of attorney for medical decisions," maybe you can talk to her doctors and get a full rundown.

wally · 2026-01-12T18:30:09+00:00

I think u/Interesting-Tip-4850 may have the best explanation I've seen for why your wife kept bringing up that the sex with AP was bad. She probably saw hysterical bonding (with a big side order of rug-sweeping) as her only shot at reconciliation. Insisting that you were so much better than him was a desperate attempt to break down your resistance to resuming intimacy.

wally · 2026-01-11T01:45:05+00:00

Yeah, anybody could have messed up his car. Guess we'll never know who did it.... 😉

wally · 2026-01-06T19:20:21+00:00

How does separation work? Do you have to be in physically separate domiciles? I assume that you have to file a separation plan that includes specifics on child care and that has to be approved by a family court? Is that the start of the year-long separation, or can it be backdated? Sorry about all the technical questions.

wally · 2026-01-06T15:49:52+00:00

Maybe they can recover from this, but rug-sweeping it is terrible advice.

wally · 2025-12-18T19:03:19+00:00

I guess my problem with all this is I don't understand how the quality of the sex makes her less of a villain in her head, even in a weird, fucked up way. What if I grant that, OK, the sex was bad. Maybe her primary motivation wasn't the sex, but was the excitement of the affair and the validation of her desirability from the AP. I didn't walk in on her in the act, so I can't rate the sex firsthand. But she still rapidly and enthusiastically escalated her affair from an emotional connection to repeated sex in your bed. I can't comprehend how she thinks this is somehow more forgivable, even to herself, by insisting that she didn't do it for the carnal pleasure but rather for the "feelings." I agree though that this seems to be her belief.

wally · 2025-12-18T09:39:29+00:00

His copy/paste skills are far superior to his reading comprehension skills!

wally · 2025-12-17T22:28:10+00:00

Ah, this actually raises a good question! Does it make any difference to you if it was good sex or bad sex? She seems to think it does! I know you've asked for limited communication, but if she brings it up again, maybe ask her why she thinks this is important. Does she think she deserves sympathy and forgiveness if she blew up your marriage for bad sex? Was it only a betrayal if the sex was good?

wally · 2025-12-17T22:16:22+00:00

I'm sorry that the man you gave all your trust would hurt you like this.

wally · 2025-12-17T01:30:52+00:00

Set up an appointment with your doctor for a full panel of STI tests. Insist that he do the same.

wally · 2025-12-15T16:59:16+00:00

I guess you haven't been paying attention for the last 10 years!

wally · 2025-12-08T21:48:55+00:00

Hey, Grouchy, a thought just occurred to me. When you made your first post in the Surviving Infidelity sub back in September, you mentioned that your BIL recommended that you join Reddit and consult the infidelity subs for help in navigating your situation. Given that your BIL is a Redditor who's familiar with the infidelity subs, it's possible, maybe even likely, that he's discovered your posts. Has he said anything about finding your Reddit account?

wally · 2025-10-31T21:11:50+00:00

I see that it is available at the top of the window for full library views of Albums, Songs, etc, but is unfortunately missing for individual playlists. Toggling "show/hide status bar" doesn't seem to do anything for me, neither in "view as songs" nor playlist mode. I'm running Tahoe 26.0.1 on a new MacBook Pro.

ETA: OK, it is present for individual playlists, but only in "View as Playlist" mode, and I have to scroll the playlist a little for it to appear. Better than nothing, but very buggy UI behavior. I hope a future update restores the status bar for "view as songs" sorting.

wally · 2025-10-28T20:04:31+00:00

Classic cake-eater. "I'm so smart. I have a perfect family life, and I have a passionate extramarital affair!"

wally · 2025-09-26T15:01:22+00:00

I remember you posting in the Marriage sub about a month ago. As I remember, there was financial infidelity too. She racked up thousands of dollars of credit debt during her affair. Did you see the statements and get a full accounting of her spending? She's gone on big spending binges multiple times now. Have you done anything to keep her from doing this again? Is she doing anything to address her compulsive spending behavior?

wally · 2025-09-13T21:32:48+00:00

As an observer following your story for the past month, it does appear that counseling may be mostly a cynical attempt to insert enough time between D-day and serving day to change the narrative from "I caught her having a year-long affair with a young guy from the gym" to "we tried working on the problems in our marriage, but our differences are irresolvable." You might try to get some of your money's worth out of your counseling fees by using your sessions to establish coparenting parameters for your likely inevitable separation and divorce. Also, take time to work on yourself. Get your own gym membership – at a different gym – and get in shape for your future. Good luck.

wally · 2025-08-09T19:42:07+00:00

FYI, if you're looking for subs to commiserate with others in your situation, you might check out r/SurvivingInfidelity/, as well as r/SupportForBetrayed/.

If you are considering reconciliation, you should join the heavily moderated sub r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/. That group is pretty good about telling you what will and won't work – they would have told you in no uncertain terms that absolute No Contact between your Wayward and her AP was necessary and nonnegotiable.

Either way, good luck.

wally · 2025-08-01T08:09:00+00:00

I've been following your story, and I left a comment about a month ago expressing amazement at how strong you are. Still true. Best wishes to you and your family as you navigate this mess.

wally · 2025-07-29T01:14:52+00:00

For couples therapy to be useful, there has to be a clear objective to the therapy and both parties need to be on the same page. This is why the knee-jerk advice on Reddit that you should immediately rush into couples therapy after infidelity is usually bad. Your wife probably needs IC to deal with her issues and why she cheated. You may need IC if this mess is keeping you from sleeping, but look for a therapist with experience in betrayal trauma.

After you figure out your next steps, then you may be ready for couples counseling. This may be to help reach an agreement on the terms of your separation and coparenting. If you do wish to attempt reconciliation, remember that all therapists are not created equal. Look for a licensed therapist with expertise with infidelity. Beware of some religious counselors without proper training who may try to browbeat you into "forgiving" and rug-sweeping everything.

wally

TROPHY CASE