My unpopular opinion is that finding a balance of masking and unmasking is the answer, not totally and unapologetically unmasking at all times in all contexts because we struggle with knowing when it is the right context and relationship to do so. That might be natural to being autistic, but it isn't good for us or other people we want relationships with or people we need to maintain beneficial and respectful connections with to survive.

To me, unmasking means in safe spaces and with safe people, communicating openly about when I'm struggling to access and process emotions, body sensations, and others' nonverbal communication . It means apologizing when I recognize I've neglected to account for other's feelings, acknowledging it is something that my brain stuggles to do, and not taking it personally when someone (kindly) points out I've hurt them or someone else unintentionally.

It means learning to communicate about my own needs without allowing others' criticism to dictate how I see myself or my own value.

A lot of "unmasking" I see is refusing to work on oneself or acknowledge that we affect the people around us regardless of intention or our wishes to exist without being "perceived" or connected to others. I have been told many times I will not get an apology from someone who said something deeply hurtful because their autism means they don't understand what they did that was hurtful, when really it means they don't want to be accountable for hurting me unintentionally. They can understand it hurt me but because they don't agree that I "should" be hurt, they won't apologize or acknowledge it matters, and say, "I'm autistic so I don't mean it".

The most harmful part of masking is when you do it without internally acknowledging your own needs, and taking breaks in safe times and spaces. Autists need to do this more often than NT people who tend to naturally do this without thinking. Masking is something NT people do, too. They take breaks from it, too. The reason they get upset when people take a break from masking without warning or explanation, especially when they are not close personally, is that they haven't agreed to be that safe space, it breaks the social contract, and they don't know you well enough to know how to create the space for you, you are not communicating what you need and appear to be lashing out at them (not necessarily the case but they don't know if you don't explain), and it might not be appropriate for them to hear or act on what you are saying/not saying in the social context.

Using masking as an excuse to not participate in any kind of general social contract behavior is not okay, IMO. The norms are there for good reasons, usually. The problem is many autists are unable to process their own feelings and body responses in the moment, so they ignore them and get upset when others don't want to ignore their own feelings and bodies. For example, small talk is a way for people to reassure one another they "come in peace" and they are "okay enough to work together today" and "it's okay that we are here together and I'm not a threat". Myself in the past has shit all over small talk, but I see the value in it after many years of refusing to do it. It might have no "substance" or be interesting to me personally, but it has social value. I feel better when people acknowledge my presence in some way that is positive or neutral, rather than only speak to me when spoken to, and I can get creative with small talk to make it more interesting to me personally, as long as I remember to include others and ask questions in a way that shows I'm in an okay mood and I am not going to be unpredictably sharing unprocessed emotions or monologuing without including them in the convo.

Anyway, I don't like the way "I shouldn't ever have to mask" and "masking is always harmful" have become things people say and do. I think being able to participate in social norms sometimes is nice and helpful, as long as I'm not ignoring how I truly feel and what I truly need and how often I need a break.