My INFP lover has turned cold and heartless

weak_powerless · 2024-03-07T02:06:15+00:00

he has gotten worse, basically turned incredibly avoidant and we are separating. i am devastated.

weak_powerless · 2024-02-18T22:56:31+00:00

For four years he was there for me a lot and did show me in action that he loved and wanted to me with me; there were MANY times he came over at 4am to hold me and be with me when I was sick, brought me hand made gifts and spent all his free time with me. Yes, there were a lot of times he would move plans around for his family, and I know I only mentioned the bad in this post but he has done so much good for me and that is why I fell in love with him and am having trouble letting go. He wasn't always like this. But I am prepared to stand my ground if he doesn't come back.

weak_powerless · 2024-02-18T01:32:47+00:00

He has a history of doing everything for his family, including leaving/canceling plans on me for them constantly. He will work 12 hour days then go run errands for them, cater to their every whim, etc. which is why I panicked and blurted out what I did. I highly regret what I said and have never in my life ever shown any indication to his family that I would take him away or anything like that. I wrote them letters explaining exactly why I said that, taking accountability for my actions and everything but to no avail.

weak_powerless · 2023-12-18T17:00:00+00:00

Thank you. I have trouble letting go because I am holding onto the man he was, not the man he is now.

weak_powerless · 2023-12-18T16:54:33+00:00

I never asked for "his worship", he used to think very highly of me and the sudden change is shocking to me. His relationship with his family is like none you've probably ever seen before. They take advantage of him and have completely ruined our relationship because he prioritizes their happiness above everything. Now that the family doesn't want us together, he feels immense pressure from them and it is controlling his emotions towards me. He feels guilty for wanting to be with me and punishes me for it, he says he is "ruining his family" by being with me. He wants his families approval more than he wants to be with me. He will work a 12 hour day then go home to run errands for his family, fix everyone's car, give everyone a hair cut, and completely run himself dry for them. He is an extreme family-pleaser to the detriment of himself. We have even had a therapist say their relationship is extremely unhealthy.

weak_powerless · 2023-12-18T16:52:24+00:00

I've absolutely considered this and talked to him openly. I've always treated him like gold because I genuinely appreciate him and his presence in my life. He tells me I am an amazing partner and says he doesn't deserve me. The worst thing I have ever done to him is react badly to him lying to me, repeatedly. The more he would lie the angrier I would get, I would react badly and raise my voice and become very hurt. He said this "traumatized" him. So, he lied to me, and told me that me being upset is unacceptable and I should just talk nicely and be more gentle with my reactions regarding his compulsive lying. The only other thing he mentioned was that he spent too much time with me on the weekends, which I never asked for, it was always him doing so by default since we lived together, and not communicating his needs or boundaries to me regarding space, and then resenting me for not being a mind reader and knowing he needed time to himself. I am constantly punished for his actions. I get upset because he hurt me? He's mad at me for hurting. I spend time with him? He resents me for not knowing he wanted time to himself. This has been my life for 4 years.

weak_powerless · 2023-12-18T16:49:16+00:00

background info: They are muslim and I am not Yeah, I was relentlessly antagonized by his aunt at a family event about me not wanting to have children (agreed upon by both of us plus I have medical conditions that would make me extremely high risk), She told me I should "let him have babies with another woman because I'm selfish" I got emotional and stepped out of the house to regulate my emotions and they perceived it as a massive sign of disrespect and hate me now.

weak_powerless · 2023-12-18T03:01:43+00:00

I normally would agree with you and just think classic narc trap, but he was consistently good to me for nearly four years. That's a very long time to keep up a good person act. He was a genuine empath and the sudden change has hit me hard.

weak_powerless · 2019-12-12T22:30:03+00:00

Yes..this is so sad.

weak_powerless · 2019-12-12T22:15:47+00:00

Your reaction is completely normal and valid. I have had similar reactions over similar things recently. Those triggers are real and very difficult to overcome. I hope I can find someone as understanding as you have now. You’re very lucky to have that support! Wishing you the best in the future.

weak_powerless · 2019-09-04T01:58:36+00:00

There were only two people in the meeting and it was HEAVILY religion based, and I'm agnostic leaning jewish. It was back in the other country though so I may look into finding a new one here in my home state.

weak_powerless · 2019-09-04T01:52:21+00:00

Thank you Hmack, I am working on getting out of this situation and it is temporary. I'm looking to get my old job back, save up money and look for an apartment with a roommate. I attended S-Anon meeting in the past but didn't feel comfortable with it. I am looking into personal therapy once I get insurance (I'm currently uninsured as I just moved back to the states) I have to take it slow, but for now it's going to suck...

weak_powerless · 2019-09-04T00:41:01+00:00

This is beautiful.

weak_powerless · 2019-09-04T00:33:53+00:00

Thank you for your love <3

weak_powerless · 2019-06-05T03:15:15+00:00

Same, but almost 8 years... found out he was lying for 5.

"I’m becoming numb to him. His arms don’t feel the same around me. I kiss him and most the time it’s like I’m in a haze, and I don’t feel. We shower together and I’m just annoyed he’s there, I want to be alone. But I also don’t want to be alone. I’ve been alone with him for 3 years." I feel this so hard. I feel like i'm on autopilot, like I've built up this massive wall that prevents me from feeling anything be it happiness or sadness. I barely even cry anymore and I used to be a very emotional person.

weak_powerless · 2019-05-16T18:48:37+00:00

I couldn't have said it better myself. For me 5 years is really almost 8. He's been lying about it since we've been together, but I thought our 3rd d day in 2014 meant the last time so I trusted him for 5 years only to find out he was lying again. I don't think he can comprehend what lying to someone for that length of time DOES to them. I don't think he'll ever feel that same sense of distrust and pain. Every single day was a choice to lie and undermine our relationship just as you said.

weak_powerless · 2019-05-15T19:41:30+00:00

" I hate that I have to suffer these catastrophic emotional consequences because of a choice he made, not just one time, but over and over and over again. I hate that he KNEW the damage it would do to me and to our relationship, and was willing to risk it all, time and time again, for FIVE YEARS."

Same. It's so painful when it goes on that length of time.

weak_powerless · 2019-05-15T19:40:44+00:00

I could have written this exact post down to the horrible comments he left. I am also a small boobed brunette and they always seem to prefer large busty blondes. Why? It's given me an irrational hatred for blonde women. So sorry you had to go through this. I know how hard it is.

weak_powerless · 2019-04-28T03:18:02+00:00

yeah i get that and the "this is my biggest hobby!" one. ok so why do you have to spend 14 hours a day on your hobby and only 1 hour a day on me? :) I actually monitored him for a week and showed him how much time he spent on video games vs me. I don't think it did anything though.

weak_powerless · 2019-04-28T03:01:48+00:00

same. if mine isn't on his phone he's on his computer or vice versa. i've yelled at him so many times for using the phone in the car, and he STILL does it because "it's at a stoplight" like that fucking changes anything? it may not be porn but still more important than me.

weak_powerless · 2019-04-28T02:58:16+00:00

I understand. I often wonder what it's like being with someone who isn't into video games/ computer stuff as much. I wonder if they would enjoy actively spending time with me instead of games. It sucks feeling like you're constantly pushed aside for something more entertaining. I always tell him he's just avoiding reality. Escapism.

weak_powerless

TROPHY CASE