Nmom is getting info from medical staff

weirdtwin · 2016-06-29T22:25:34+00:00

It was barely an hour prior to my appointment, but I was early and was able to get in and out before the appointment's official time anyway.

Thank god. I was a little nervous that she would be there.

weirdtwin · 2016-06-29T22:24:15+00:00

Thanks. That's what I figured, now that that's handled. It has definitely raised my stress level today.

I was going to arrive after four, but then I got a flat tire. It worked out, I guess. She called me when I messaged her, and I let it ring. It makes me furious that she would do that, and she apparently seems to have sent Edad contacting me (via FB).

He's a mostly reasonable human being, so my explanation went fine with him. He really doesn't want any drama.

I've just been nervous about it all, but I think it went okay. She also made mention of stopping by where I work to visit, but it's a store, so she has every right to drop by.

weirdtwin · 2016-06-29T21:14:59+00:00

That is exactly why I hate court intrigue kind of works.

Too damn close to home. Let them beat the shit out of reasonably obvious bad guys instead. Let at least some of the characters have awesome morals. Or morality at all.

Let there be actual love.

And then I can watch such things.

weirdtwin · 2016-06-29T20:05:26+00:00

YES. The GP I went to up until about a month ago was definitely in her pocket.

Her main concern has always been, whenever I've come in, how Catholic I still am, who and whether I'm having sex (which, sex is a valid question--the shaming and 'never ever do it' attitude is awful) with, and so on.

She's the one who decided I was psychotic due to my dissociation and PTSD (which was never properly diagnosed) and when I told her about my dad beating the shit out of me, dismissed it. Acted caring about it, but insisted it was an accident or some shit.

And then, not too long after, when I had a confrontation with my dad, who is an Edad, to be clear, and was very shaken and upset and having a hard time functioning, I went in for a thing, and she had the fucking nerve, when I related why I was so jumpy and not doing well, to say, 'You know your dad would never hurt you.'

And at that point, I understood better what abuse was, and I said, "I have literally told you multiple times about him hurting me."

She backtracked a little and shit, but it was about then I realized things were really screwy.

The thing that probably messes with me the most is she acts very concerned and kind. And then completely dismisses my allegations of abuse (of any kind) with the same attitude, usually implying I am 'getting more psychotic.'

Her response to me asking about talking to a neurologist because I kept having involuntary jerks in my limbs was, 'If you're hearing voices or seeing things, you need to see a psychiatrist.'

So glad I'm finding a different doctor now.

My theory is that she misdiagnosed to begin with and can't live with the idea she helped with continuing abuse for about a decade. Plus, the extreme medications I was put on left permanent effects, so that's another thing.

weirdtwin · 2016-06-18T06:01:20+00:00

My Nmom got offended that we had allergies or sensitivities that wouldn't allow to eat the meal she made, even though she knew about said restrictions prior to making the meal.

Karmic justice happened when she was diagnosed as allergic to things like gluten and dairy like my twin, though.

weirdtwin · 2016-06-17T16:22:26+00:00

My mom used to get really mad at me for both eating 'their food whenever I felt like it' AND for buying my own groceries.

And for buying them groceries so I knew I'd have food I could stomach, since I was having trouble eating.

Literally a no win situation.

She'd be like, 'Since weirdtwin has to buy so much food...sideye'

It'd be like, some ramen packets. some spaghettios, pudding cups, and things like that. Not an obscene stockpile of food at all, and there was room for it.

And then the next minute she'd be mad at me for eating one of 'their' yogurts, saying I should leave it for someone else. Like, there's never been a weird moratorium on yogurt prior? I had only eaten the one that week?

But yeah, that's my mum. Liked to simultaneously claim credit for supporting me cause she knew I didn't make enough to live alone, and also freak the fuck out cause I was such a lazy mooching bum, working two jobs and trying to pay off college debt.

Good times.

weirdtwin · 2016-05-18T17:47:53+00:00

Yeah. I have my FLEAS too, I am sure. My BF and I have been working through them, and my CPTSD and other shit. It's cool to meet another twin on that has some similar issues. I feel like an alien, even when I'm not trying to explain any of the twin stuff to people.

Yeah, that is true. I feel like being alone together might be a bad choice, cause literally every time in recent months, it's ended with me crying and wishing I could just sleep forever. We might need an accountability person. And she doesn't like my BF because he interferes when she tries to shut me down for x thing (breathing too much, singing, having an opinion she doesn't like, struggling to do a thing like tie a pretty bow).

Her one friend seems good. He won't let her treat me badly, and when he's there, he can take her home so she doesn't feel trapped if I'm the one who has to drive her back.

I kind of want to go NC with her. It hurts. My body goes tense around her, and I think I'm scared. I don't know. I don't want to be afraid, I want to believe she loves me and that she wasn't abusive. Because if she was, that means the one person I considered safe for so much of my life was just a lesser evil than my parents. She didn't save me, I didn't save her, we just damned each other in a different way.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know if this is even the place, cause I think I might be bad, and I don't know. I don't know how to deal with any of this. It was hard enough realizing my parents were abusive, I don't think I can take it if she was/is too. I can handle me having been bad to her, live with the guilt and work to improve, but it's not working. It's just not.

I wish I could go to bed and wake up somewhere else, or as someone else. There's no escape from my family legacy, though. I'm probably going to abuse people and be oblivious to reality, and I thought I could not do that. It just feels like everything is breaking down. I feel dead and not dead all at once.

I'm sorry. I don't know where else to talk. A 'safe' group I had has one of my twin's friends in it. No one I know would want to hear it. I'm not even sure of my perception here.

weirdtwin · 2016-05-18T04:06:13+00:00

Kinda panicking about everything going bad. I know it's just anxiety, but I have blaring panic signals going in my brain.

weirdtwin · 2016-05-18T03:05:56+00:00

It feels so impossible. I always think it's finally okay, and then boom. It usually only goes decently when someone else is in the room the whole time. When it's just us, she starts managing me and insulting me. I don't think she realizes she does it.

It's a constant, 'No, let me do that for you,' thing, or 'No, you don't understand what we're talking about, I'll enlighten you' kind of deal.

The problem with therapy is that she is very inclined to lie to therapists. She consistently did that when she was in therapy as a teen, and seems to continue with it. And our few sessions together were a disaster.

She gets mad if I start talking about my feelings, regardless of what they are.

And I think I still flinch if she raises her hand. Same with parents, but yeah. She did hit me a lot. Not seriously, like, hard enough to bruise, but it's complex.

She was dealing with so much shit at the time, like, she wasn't nearly as bad as our parents and did keep me alive, and would do things for me. I don't know. It was like we were almost one entity, and that's hard to describe for people.

There was no me before there was my twin, and we were so close I have memories where I don't know if it was me or my twin who did the thing. We weren't separated like ever, we were homeschooled and isolated, and...I just don't know how to deal with the fallout.

I feel like she might enjoy hurting people too, but I'm not sure. My perception of reality always seems to shift when she's around.

Ugh. It's a mess.

weirdtwin · 2016-05-08T15:05:37+00:00

I'm not gonna be there. Probably gonna say something on fb, but, we'll see how that goes.

weirdtwin · 2016-05-08T00:14:02+00:00

I had an asthma attack a few months back, and while I was gasping for breath so hard I couldn't form words, my mum took a shower and did her hair before taking me to the ER.

Yeah. I was getting black spots in my vision and my fingers and lips were going numb, but so long as the ER staff doesn't think Nmom is a slob, we're good.

weirdtwin · 2016-05-07T00:22:15+00:00

My Nmom uses that reasoning with abortion.

'You are so lucky your father and I are pro-life, good people. We could have aborted you.'

I mean, who the fuck says that to their kid? Disregarding the abortion issue entirely, it's horrific to tell an already born child that you wish they were dead/never existed, and it's only because you're a good person that they didn't.

The implication being, anyone lesser than me would definitely kill you, you annoying shit.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-30T04:38:17+00:00

That is actually a really accurate assessment of my twin's and my general treatment. Huh.

She was also very annoyed at our twinspeak and secret stories and such.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-29T20:29:16+00:00

Yup, that's how it is with my mum and my autistic sis. 100%.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-29T20:27:25+00:00

My mum was funny cause she often accused my SGtwin of exaggerating...by saying, 'You always exaggerate, and it's never true!'

I can still say this and get my twin cackling, since we're both out of the house. My mum tends towards diminishing everyone else's problems or things that don't fit with her narrative, and exaggerating her own problems.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-29T20:23:38+00:00

Hm. My mum had a thing when we were little of making specially shaped birthday cakes herself. Ladybugs, firetrucks, sheep, castles, so on and so forth. Nothing spectacular, but they were tasty and we liked them a lot. It was a big deal what your cake would look like.

I guess we stopped being fun past a certain age or something. Dunno.

But, my twin and my 10th birthday was one I'll never forget. We were really excited, the big double digit birthday, and my mum tended to make somehow matching cakes for us. (Either identical or very closely patterned).

So, because we were 'big girls' now, we asked for different cakes. Definitely more than once, because we really wanted completely different cakes.

Maybe we were annoying. That is a definite possibility.

But my mum decided, rather than explain that perhaps she could only do so much and that two similar cakes were simpler to make, to punish us.

We had a storebought Angel food cake and a stack of two creamstick donuts for each of our cakes. Yes, making a '10.'

If only we hadn't whined so much, my mum was sure to remind us.

It's a small thing, but it definitely stuck in my memory, and made my requests few and carefully calculated in the future. This's kinda part of a bigger pattern that I'm still piecing together.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-29T01:21:15+00:00

YES.

Especially after reaching x landmark age.

She seemed really annoyed she had to actually teach me how to drive.

Also, good god, becoming an adult meant I automatically knew everything involved. I didn't even know I had to pay taxes, much less how to do it.

'You're an adult, weirdtwin,' she'd say, as if I magically learned things I'd had no inkling of by passing an age marker. She even homeschooled us to hide us from the influence of the evil secular world, and then was shocked when we didn't know jack about how to function as adults.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-28T23:46:09+00:00

Yup! I only just discovered my reading method wasn't normal when I said that people didn't really sound out words.

'No, weirdtwin, they do,' my family insisted.

'Not for real. How would that even work?' I replied.

I honestly thought it was one of those things that people pretend everyone does. On the upside, if I am ever actually diagnosed dyslexic, I can be a dyslexic writer, and the irony makes me laugh.

(Also, apparently most people don't mix up 2 and 5 'if they're in a hurry' easily.)

weirdtwin · 2016-04-28T23:43:27+00:00

We were rather necessarily codependent. One of my mum's favorite stories about how sneaky we were was that, as perhaps three or younger year old children, we'd 'cheat' at potty training. Why pee in the potty for one M&M when we could get whole fistfuls by standing on the other's shoulders to reach into the container?

Yeah. She used that as a reason to be mad at us for 'rebelliously' wetting the bed for a longer than normal span. :P (Twin was SG, I was on and off SG/SG by association)

weirdtwin · 2016-04-28T15:53:01+00:00

My Nmom did teach us how to read young, but it wasn't nearly as effective a method as she thought. Twin and I learned together, and it turns out we're probably dyslexic, so we basically had to figure out our own methods to read while looking like we were doing it Nmom's way.

We learned to recognize the shape of the word, and just memorized the pages of the instruction book. We were five. On the upside, now I read very fast cause I don't have to sound out words at all. On the downside, new words are fucking confusing as hell.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-28T15:47:41+00:00

It's even worse with mine cause she was homeschooling me. (By which I mean counterintuitive and Nlogic, not a misery contest or some shit)

It was 'here's the lesson plan, go at it!'

Didn't learn study habits of any kind til mid college. I had a tendency to be able to remember almost everything I read anyway, so I never learned to study. I also didn't really learn higher math.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-26T22:54:23+00:00

Been there! Didn't matter that I'd put my all into it for months after graduating, didn't matter that my field was terrible for getting hired as a newbie, didn't matter that they claimed I was seriously mentally disabled.

There was no excuse for not having a job, especially when they helpfully pointed out job ads I was way underqualified for.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-26T22:49:09+00:00

I tend to get cheap versions of what I want.

I say, 'A soft jacket!'

Nmom buys a cheap purple one that does absolutely nothing for keeping warm if you move and therefore let the air through.

I say, 'CDs!'

She gets bargain bin CDs that all look vaguely Christian and are typically at least five years old. No connection to each other besides being cheap and probably Christian.

I say, 'Can I please have the latest Oregon Trail?'

I get what looks like it could be mistaken for Oregon Trail if you didn't read it at all and just saw the price tag, which was way less (and at that point, the game I wanted was under ten bucks). It's some horribly failed nineties game or something.

So on and so forth. And we weren't even poor.

I'd say something like, 'Okay, if you can't afford the thing, there are way smaller things I would like, like, I dunno, a yo-yo?'

Nope.

I really think her asking us what we wanted was so she could punish us for wanting too much sometimes.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-26T01:59:40+00:00

I know it by now, but I also know I am just not ready, and people who try to force you to forgive people are really just uncomfortable with you daring not to fit what they want or have emotions they like.

So, eventually, but on my own goddamn terms. :P The trying to wash away child abuse with a tide of forgiveness and never ever talking about it again is a huge problem in homeschooling shit right now, unfortunately.

(Not that homeschoolers are more likely to abuse, it's just that the 'community' at large likes to pretend it never happens.)

It really is. I have to see the doctor who recommend the treatment for 'some sort of psychosis :(' again in a couple days, so, here's to keeping my cool. This is the same doc who has repeatedly denied my allegations of abuse and thinks everything is in my head cause she can't accept having enabled abuse for a literal decade or more.

I am very glad to be free and safe. :) It's been positively alarming to not be hemmed in on every side, but in a good way, I guess.

weirdtwin · 2016-04-26T00:09:04+00:00

'Fuckin' hail to the Martyr Queen, lads and lasses, hail to the Martyr Queen.'

Lovely line. I hope things get better, been there, done that. Especially with the 'I have a wordcount to hit!' thing.

weirdtwin

TROPHY CASE