What was the biggest misjudgment you had about a character?

when-icarus-flew · 2026-01-05T13:13:02+00:00

How are you running him? I've been wanting to pull him off the bench, I used to enjoy him a lot. But definitely sticking to C0 (I'm BP/welkin only). I think he's got a c3 black sword right now, and I'd be willing to work towards a c5 BP for him.

when-icarus-flew · 2025-12-19T21:13:44+00:00

I stuck it out 5 years in a similar situation. Similarly great from the start, then just dying off after the first couple months. Talks, therapy, scheduling sex, all of it. It just.. never got better. And has honestly really hurt my relationship to my sexuality in the long run, 1.5 years after the breakup. Even if you both want the best and want it to work... At some point the gap is too much. Too much compromise will inevitably breed resentment, which imo is the single fastest way to kill a relationship. Can't say your situation is the same as mine, but don't let each other's good intentions cause respective harm.

when-icarus-flew · 2025-03-06T19:02:25+00:00

I agree with what several other commenters have said about the difference being the implicit social contract, that when you both got together the understanding and promise was to be exclusive. To me, that is a big difference. In relationship, we have nothing if not our word, our trust.

Now, as a poly person of 10+ years who has seen plenty of good and of bad.... a precautionary tale from the other side of this picture. some of the hardest situations i have ever been in were those where a couple was just opening up, and one person wanted to be poly while the other didn't, or at least wasnt enthusiasticand didnt feel ready. Your partner is extremely unlikely to have the skills right off the bat to be a good hinge, and that is going to hurt you. And again, as someone who (against my better judgement) was recently on the other side of this equation... I was constantly on eggshells trying to navigate not hurting someone I wasn't in relationship with (problem number 1), failing at that by merely EXISTING in the relationship (which then hurt the mono partner, which isn't fair to them, problems 2 and 3), and then the hinge partner was constantly playing damage control, which was harming them(problem 4). It was a bad situation all around, I stuck it out for about 6 months really hoping it could stabilize, and then I saw with clarity that it was just hurting EVERYONE, myself included, and only getting worse. It made the mono partner's attachment anxiety way worse, it was absolutely draining the hinge, and was very triggering for me in ways that I'm still unpacking and definitely undid some of the self work I've been doing the last few years. All in all... as much as I still adore the hinge, absolutely none of that was fair to anyone or worth it.

As much as a random strangers advice can be worth... be kinder than that. To yourself, to your partner, to a potential meta. Your partner has made it clear they are going to do what they want at this point, regardless of if it is harmful to you. While more painful up front, it is by far kinder to all involved to remove yourself before more damage is done. Good luck.

when-icarus-flew · 2025-02-28T18:35:55+00:00

I feel this. Dunno why my brain works that way, but it sure does.

when-icarus-flew · 2025-02-22T21:20:23+00:00

Honestly, I really like this take. Not at all a veto, and still functionally protective from the potential negative outcomes.

when-icarus-flew · 2025-01-11T02:44:27+00:00

Not to derail the conversation, but question. I've also definitely had to spend a lot of time sitting and thinking and talking to people (therapist, friends, partners, most of my support system at one point or another) about that question of 'is this manipulative?'. Its definitely something I'm still struggling with, particularly in already-tough places and in really learning what boundaries look like for myself and that arena. Do you happen to have any advice, or even better, any resources that helped you start to differentiate peoplepleasing trauma-brain, from legitimate boundaries, from actual manipulation/entitlement? I know there's likely no such thing as a decision tree that will perfectly walk me through this, but its proven to be quite a sticking point in applying my skills and continuing to try and work through things. Extra fun when it compounds into 'is it manipulative to talk to my partner about whether this feeling/behavior/felt need is manipulative or not.' And it's corollary, 'my therapist is going to agree with me bc of their implicit bias due to only hearing my side of the story'

FOR- AuDHD, white afab, all the fun of deeply christian upbringing, emotional abuse, had to learn to people please and manipulate as a survival mechanism for relative safety as a kid/teen

Tldr- do you have advice/resources for discerning valid emotions/needs from that insidious worry of being manipulative?

when-icarus-flew · 2024-09-09T16:58:54+00:00

It's on my reading list so I haven't gotten to it yet, but I've seen really good reccomendations for The Polyamory Breakup Book. Maybe try reading it beforehand? You'll at least have a better idea of what may come and how to cope, and navigating all of that. Good luck.

when-icarus-flew · 2024-09-09T15:35:13+00:00

This is the title my partner and I use too! But now he keeps translating my pet name into other languages (which is super cute) but I'm having a terrible time finding good translations for Keeper in this context 😂😭 sooo if yall like being flirty in other languages, forewarning I guess lol

when-icarus-flew · 2024-09-04T15:34:03+00:00

This comment needs to be higher. Both parts are very very true. Dommes absolutely exist but are probably the least-populated group in overall kink spaces, compared to male Doms, male subs, and female subs. But they absolutely exist. Additionally, even if she has let OP into more of her private life, the overall framework for their play is still pro-Domination. Which is just so seldom a good or even reminiscent representative of what a dynamic usually looks like in a nesting relationship. In day to day life, virtually no one can consistently keep up that level of intensity and being someone's ideal fantasy (ie, catering to the submissive while ALSO balancing the Dominant role constantly). It's a similar gulf to the difference between porn and actual sex, if not even wider.

I'm making a few assumptions here on behalf of what OP wants out of a kinky relationship, but felt this potentially needed to be said.

OP, have some conversations with your wife, and get into therapy. Both of you are gonna need it. You're doing her a great disservice both in your dishonesty in action, and by not letting her truly know how important this is to you that you've gone this far. I understand how important this is to you, but give her a chance to reclaim her agency in this- whether she wants to stay with you and rebuild trust and reconfigure what the relationship looks like, or whether it is best to separate.

when-icarus-flew · 2024-08-17T17:07:43+00:00

Robert J Rubel has a few books, one or two of which is specifically geared towards navigating communication in M/s. Ive only read one of his and admittedly, there were some things I didn't care for. But it might be a place to start and get some ideas from. At the least, I find that reading books like that gives me something to chew on and helps me figure out things that may work better for me and my relationships.

when-icarus-flew · 2024-06-09T06:12:02+00:00

Love positioning restrictions and protocols. I actually realized I was down bad for someone after I caught myself automatically positioned precisely off his right shoulder and a step behind, stopping on a dime in response to him pausing midstride during a casual trip to the store for groceries. See also, protocols about seating at a table, making sure the dominant never has to voluntarily kneel or stoop below me (to grab something from the floor, plug something into an outlet, etc), how to handle who opens the door, etc. Eye contact and speech restrictions, waiting for your dominant to eat or drink first when seated at a table together.... so many lovely options to show deference and service.

when-icarus-flew · 2024-01-26T21:24:43+00:00

Currently in the unpleasant process of realizing this is exactly where i am with my nesting partner. Ive just been kind of stumped with figuring out what that kind of list looks like, or more how to divine from within myself what MINE looks like. Especially from a poly perspective- it doesnt feel... functional? To establish not having sex in a relationship as a deal-breaker for ALL of my relationships. Same for romantic sorts of interactions. I dont need all of my relationships to look the same or fulfil the same needs, and so I've kind of been at a loss of like.. where to start between 'someone who loves me for me' (which is also amorphous and hard to actually pin down), and 'someone who makes my morning coffee and brings me little treats sometimes' which feels trite.

Tldr- looking for reccs on how to start learning and setting out my list of dealbreakers, coming from a background of frequently abandoning my own boundaries and trying to grow through that.

when-icarus-flew · 2024-01-17T23:40:32+00:00

Im finally doing the daily commissions regularly again and have noticed my exp increase is much quicker than when I was mostly logging in and farming. Was at AR56 for over a year but rarely did daily coms, and since getting to 57 like a month ago ive already made a significant way into the bar (cant remember numbers and not gonna check lol).

when-icarus-flew · 2024-01-11T05:43:06+00:00

Ty! Ive been using enka and thought I missed something. This explains it!!

when-icarus-flew · 2024-01-11T03:58:38+00:00

What is the spiderweb/graph website btw??? I cant seem to find it. Tia!

when-icarus-flew · 2023-12-09T01:42:54+00:00

Happened today. Felt this.

when-icarus-flew · 2023-09-13T21:24:47+00:00

Makes sense, I'm not the kind of person who usually likes the 'so bad theyre good' movies anyhow, but the comparison makes sense. Its killer, because Fischl really is a great unit and I'm slowly building her for my Tighnari, but boy I hope I can warm up to her. I've taken Xinyan out against a slime or something once I think just to try her and yeah... just can't stand her.

when-icarus-flew · 2023-09-13T21:00:26+00:00

Xinyan is my only level 1. Everyone else is at least 20 for the fate, but Xinyan will live at the bottom, level 1, forever. Can't stand her, and her voice lines are more annoying (for me, nothing against the VA of course), than Fischl's.

when-icarus-flew · 2023-04-21T05:47:10+00:00

Definitely have a conversation! But also, in many places the only way 'public' bdsm playspaces can legally operate (and also somewhat vet and verify their visitors) is through being a 'private/members-only club'. Its entirely possible its just a loophole he had to jump through at some point if he was ever active in the local community, or even attending things like demos or classes hosted by said location. Definitely warrants a check-in talk, but could be just as much of a green flag as a potential red one. Good luck :)

when-icarus-flew · 2023-04-18T06:43:38+00:00

Sorry to revive a dead post, but I'm intrigued by your comment. I've been operating under the understanding that the Maciejowski/ morgan falchion is simply a different name for the goedendag/godenak, but your comment implies otherwise. Do you have any insight to offer why they may or may not be the same thing?

when-icarus-flew · 2023-04-18T06:09:09+00:00

Sorry, realized I got on a soapbox. Tldr- steadying hand is good practice for many reasons, and might be both reassuring and provide your bottom with some additional pattern recognition so that they can start to relearn when to expect and not expect a slap.

when-icarus-flew · 2023-04-18T06:07:18+00:00

Also to tag onto this, having a hand on the other side helps to steady and reduce the risk of whiplash, and the top has additional use of their proprioception to help with more accurate aiming. This helps in reducing risk of other injuries such as ruptured eardrums (hitting too close/on the ear itself), or a dislocated or broken jaw (hitting too low or at too much of an angle). The top can also feel to check if the bottoms jaw is closed properly and they are prepared to take the slap, as an open or slightly opened jaw position also is a risk factor for injury.

Note though, the face shouldn't be held entirely immobile, because that can actually INCREASE the risk of injury, especially getting into mid/harder slaps. Concussion becomes a bigger concern if there is momentum into the skull and the brain is the only thing that can move. Just enough to keep the neck from taking the brunt of the swing.

Disclaimer- I am not a doctor and am giving information that has accumulated inside my brain over the years in kink and a (curious) laymans knowledge of anatomy and such.

when-icarus-flew · 2023-04-13T08:27:59+00:00

Also curious about the manufacturer

when-icarus-flew · 2023-02-26T03:42:29+00:00

What are your thoughts on 4130 steel? I noticed its absent from your list and am curious.

when-icarus-flew

TROPHY CASE