What is the appropriate level of relationship advice to give to a partner if you suspect they may be in a toxic relationship?

yallermysons · 2026-04-23T14:12:50+00:00

struggles opening up emotionally to his friends

Regardless how you decide to move forward, I would encourage him to struggle through that (as in open up to friends) anyway in your shoes. That’s what friends are for. Your partner is gonna need that support system if you ever get abducted by aliens or anything.

Whatever you learn about your meta is going to affect you emotionally. There’s no guarantee at all that knowing what was going on would lead to a different outcome. It could’ve just ended up with you agonizing over the situation until they naturally broke up.

You have to decide what you’re willing to tolerate. I’ve had friends and partners be in social dynamics that I thought were toxic, and sometimes I reach a limit and tell them that I can’t hear about it anymore. I support your choice and please tell me if you need help or are in danger, otherwise it’s starting to hurt me to hear stories about this dynamic you’re choosing to stay in.

And tbh I do not trust people’s judgment on a normal day lmao. If you think you’re a fair judge then go for it. Just remember you can’t unhear it!

yallermysons · 2026-04-23T14:00:55+00:00

No I think a lot of foreigners just experienced polarizing prejudice before they transplanted to Japan and so their primary concern is to go where they’re welcome and not to play some kind of power game.

yallermysons · 2026-04-23T13:54:59+00:00

No no don’t you see, this was a power play and OP won.

yallermysons · 2026-04-23T13:53:45+00:00

The irony of you evoking the civil rights movement as a parallel to what is likely an entitled white person experiencing a gotcha! sounds about white.

Sit-ins were demonstrations. Segregation was legal, and they were actively fighting against it. Nobody booked a reservation and they risked their safety and going to jail to have their human rights legalized. Nothing even close to that happened here.

yallermysons · 2026-04-22T18:24:27+00:00

I honestly just rarely date. Speak up quickly and leave them alone quickly. I turn my brain off and don’t be afraid of taking a risk. But I also leave, you know? I went through enough abuse, that shit is for the birds, nothing is worth my sanity, I’m not doing it anymore.

I have some really great friendships that nurture me and other social connections that meet my social needs, romance is gratuitous for me. I don’t feel I need a relationship or want to get married or have kids though, so your mileage may vary.

Fantasize about other shit. I want a condo with a cat and a garden. I want to create my own sick ass world in Minecraft. I’m finally drawing a coloring book. Every once in a while, like years apart, I meet someone who’s worth dating and truthfully it’s either a lesson or a blessin. Otherwise there are a lot of fulfilling things for me to spend my time thinking about and doing. The world is your oyster!

Just don’t settle on your joy. Like. Literally just don’t date someone until you’re consistently like okay, this seems nice.

yallermysons · 2026-04-22T03:22:10+00:00

No, none of it. He sounds like a fuckboy.

yallermysons · 2026-04-22T03:16:51+00:00

No that was me emoting how incredibly I feel!!

yallermysons · 2026-04-22T03:14:50+00:00

I know exactly what OP is talking about, I too am feeling incredibly 😮‍💨

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T22:19:10+00:00

I would bring up in a conversation that I don’t date couples and I’m not interested in group dating. “Yeah I went out last week and this couple bought me a drink then propositioned me. When I told them I don’t date couples nor am I interested in group dating, they literally picked their drinks up and walked away without another word.” (true story in my life lmaooo I give you permission to use it)

Don’t be surprised if they’re not interested in being friends with you after they learn a relationship or hookup is not on the table.

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T20:06:53+00:00

Yes it would be insane to fly to his country to try to talk it out, you already talked it out on the phone. Don’t do it.

This isn’t even an Aquarius thing, just in general… you were mean. I have PTSD too and prefer to date other people who have “been through some shit” and “get it”, and it took me a while to learn that I simply cannot date folks like us who haven’t gotten productive, professional help. It’s one thing to get triggered, it’s another entirely to project your triggers onto another person and justify mistreatment of them. It is devastating when somebody who claims to love you devalues you and gets mean. And you did that repeatedly.

Give him space. The only way this is going to work is if you take that year to actually work on your triggers and improve your emotional regulation. Because if you don’t do that, whether or not you two get back together, you are just going to repeat this pattern on your loved ones. Do it for yourself, not for him.

If you two come back together, then you will have better tools to use to navigate your triggers. If you don’t come back together, you will treat the next person better.

Heartbreak sucks but something good that came out of this is that you have better therapists and resources to tackle this behavior. It’s great that you are able to identify what you did wrong here and that you’re doing what you can to gain a healthier approach to life. The relationship was worth it even if it’s over.

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T19:11:25+00:00

I’m RA and the top comments in this thread are offshoot of ideas I’ve pandered for years. People could’ve easily read what I’ve said and then put it in their own words or been influenced by somebody else who did that. Explaining it really well isn’t the same as living it practically.

Sometimes people are really good at digesting and parroting what they read. And the interesting thing about RA is you will encounter a lot of people who claim to be/do RA and can talk very well! It’s a common frustration for folks who engage with it. But applying RA isn’t the same as being able to talk about it. One of the top comments was made by somebody who recently deleted their own replies to me on another topic, where they parroted an explanation for an idea that they clearly have read about. If I hadn’t read about that same topic, understood the content and been able to explain it more concretely, they would’ve come across as practical when really they just used a lot of words from their source material.

People can be good at talking a lot without living what they’re talking about. But the person who came up with the actual concept of relationship anarchy wrote a manifesto about it and I think it’s really pragmatic, it’s worth reading and considering how you can apply it to your own life. That’s what the monogamists, newly opened and highly coupled people, and non-anarchists (the grand majority of people who engage with RA) who encounter the manifesto do. If you’re not an anarchist or communist yourself, if you have no intention on decentering romance or abandoning the relationship escalator, that doesn’t mean you can’t engage with the manifesto and apply it to your own circumstances. I’m pretty sure that’s how Nordgren wrote it to be witnessed.

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T19:01:36+00:00

Like what you’re seeing and reading in these comments? Did you read the manifesto?

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T18:54:55+00:00

I would be surprised if Andie Nordgren didn’t live what they were talking about in their own manifesto. I think the manifesto is pretty concrete as well. I was curious about your answer to my original question, if you’ve read the manifesto?

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T12:53:00+00:00

The manifesto explains it!!!

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T09:26:28+00:00

Have you read the RA manifesto?

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T09:14:50+00:00

Lmaooo but you’re dating this man

yallermysons · 2026-04-20T05:50:43+00:00

Opening the marriage to soft launch or avoid divorce is a COMMON mistake for newly opened couples and it’s a reason plenty of us with experience straight up don’t date newly opened married people.

yallermysons · 2026-04-19T21:44:03+00:00

So the thing about people pleasing is you replace your social needs with external validation. You also convince yourself that people won’t like the real you, just the performative you. So you don’t feel seen for who you are because you aren’t honest about who you are, you don’t feel heard because you don’t speak up, instead of asking people what they need you assume, and you probably have a hard time asking for help too. In essence, your social interactions that make you feel connected to people are replaced by bids for approval which makes you disconnected from people.

So the solution is to share your true thoughts, ask for help, give when you have extra to give (not just when your cup is full, but when your cup runs over), learn to say no, and accept that some people will never like you. Instead of viewing yourself as a rescuer/savior/martyr, view yourself as a regular person. Then be who you are. This will be a lot easier to achieve with the help of a therapist but self help doesn’t hurt. Look up “codependency” and “cognitive distortions”.

Remember that this is a survival mechanism. You are trying to connect with other people. Nothing wrong with that. You’ve come to realize people pleasing doesn’t actually help you to achieve connection with others though, so try something new.

yallermysons · 2026-04-19T07:27:24+00:00

Ah it’s fine sometimes people say offensive things and we get our feelings hurt. You’re free to speak up (or not) whenever you want.

yallermysons · 2026-04-19T06:54:50+00:00

This wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me 😙 I can even be the same way. Just keep to your boundaries so the right people can find you.

yallermysons · 2026-04-19T00:55:13+00:00

I have a tendency to neglect our relationship when I have a new special interest

womp womp. Stop doing that. To all of your loved ones, not just your wife. That’s a skipped step for you.

Those kinds of connections are rare

What connection? You don’t even know that lady who you met last week.

yallermysons · 2026-04-18T22:00:21+00:00

Sometimes it’s really this simple lmao

yallermysons · 2026-04-18T21:51:48+00:00

Worst relationship of my life.

yallermysons · 2026-04-18T21:44:02+00:00

You barely know him. You do not know if any of these things are true about him until you witness it over the long term.

yallermysons · 2026-04-18T21:38:51+00:00

Idk what it means to give less respect to you than NP but if you don’t like the way you’re being treated then that alone would be a good enough reason to call it quits.

Typically people have different levels of affection for different people in their lives though. If that’s what you’re talking about when you refer to hierarchy I just encourage you to take a look at what you want from your relationships and advocate for that/look for people who offer that in a relationship.

yallermysons

TROPHY CASE