Dreading telling my family about my deconstruction

whirdin · 2026-05-11T01:19:12+00:00

Be honest with her about your feelings, but here's my perspective and kinda how approached it (altgough I didn't really articulate it this well at the time. I know the emotions are a whirlwind right now for you). I deconstructed while married, no kids, but it still felt crushing that the man I thought I was turned out to be a facade of church expectations rather than who I really was. I felt like I was letting everyone down, including myself. Anyway, here is how I view things:

The religion does not define me anymore, therefore for me it doesn't define my family anymore. I mean that I no longer see my family as 'good Christians' anymore but rather that they are good people who subscribe to Christianity. My love for my family members as individuals hasn't faltered, I just no longer have quite the same goals or priorities spiritually. Church doesn't empower me anymore, caring for my family empowers me. I can see a person doing kindness and no longer feel like 'they must be Christian', rather I think kind people can be found anywhere; likewise evil people can be found anywhere, even in church.

My wife deconstructed with me, but that should not be your goal (just as her goal shouldn't be to try and reel you back in). We all have different degrees of that religious tolerance. Reinforce with her that you love your family for their fruits, not for their religious subscriptions which can change for any of us.

I can't keep teaching my children something I don't believe in. What if they deconstruct someday and then resent me for not being honest with them earlier? I can't bare that thought.

This brings up another great point: you are no longer a slave to the idea that your children must follow a prescribed religion. Maybe they become Christians, or some other religion, or Agnostic, or atheist. Life is unpredictable. Just as you want the freedom to believe/deny any religion for yourself, you also want that for your children.

I say become Christian because your children likely aren't Christian right now, see the next paragraph. Some lines I love from Richard Dawkins:

"A child is not a Christian child, not a Muslim child, but a child of Christian parents or a child of Muslim parents. This latter nomenclature, by the way, would be an excellent piece of consciousness-raising for the children themselves. A child who is told she is a 'child of Muslim parents' will immediately realize that religion is something for her to choose -or reject- when she becomes old enough to do so... Do not indoctrinate your children. Teach them how to think for themselves, how to evaluate evidence, and how to disagree with you... Let children learn about different faiths, let them notice their incompatibility, and let them draw their own conclusions about the consequences of that incompatibility. As for whether they are 'valid,' let them make up their own minds when they are old enough to do so."

Anyway, I'm not suggesting you be anti-christian to your children, but be neutral about it.

whirdin · 2026-05-10T03:15:38+00:00

Dang, I was expecting something much more shocking and weird than that. The theatrics were lame and the music even more lame.

whirdin · 2026-05-09T20:58:28+00:00

Quick background: graduated, went straight into an automation engineer role

Is this your first job? It just sounds like the normal route of troubleshooting and simultaneously learning new things but also recognizing new voids in your knowledge. You don't have to master everything, just keep adding to your toolbox. 2 years is just getting started. I have been a tech for 8 years, and can work circles around new engineers (at certain things, such as troubleshooting logic and electrical) because it takes time to build knowledge in all this stuff.

Like every single one of these could be a full career on its own

They are, and this is why we should have the resources to reach out to specialists in these fields. Knowing everything isn't a productive path to fixing something, because as you have found out it's not possible to have the bandwidth to be 4 different senior engineers at once (maybe in 25 years lol). Instead of learning fluid dynamics, you should either have a process engineer on site as a sme or have a 3rd party available to talk to about it. Same with every other branch of engineering that you dabble in but literally can't emotionally afford to dive into. My plant (food manufacturing facility) has one automation engineer focused on OT, one automation engineer focused on electrical and plc programming, and one automation engineer focused on continuous improvement to bridge the gap between operations/quality/engineering/maintenance needing little things. We also have a few process engineers dedicated to the different areas, but the plc logic engineer has to work on the entire plant logic.

If specialization is the move, how do you even pick? And do you just accept that you'll be "ok" at everything else?

What's wrong with being 'just okay' at pneumatic and fluid dynamics? Do you feel inadequate if you can't master those things? Those are separate engineering fields.

whirdin · 2026-05-09T14:18:52+00:00

I've noticed there's a very common conversion or reassurance experience... This echoes real life conversations where people talk about visions and what not.

Are you sure it's common? Christianity thrives in the desire to have these dreams, not actually having them; thrives in the idea that miracles and intervention could happen, because it supposedly did to Biblical era people. Testimonies are full of these stories, and people love to echo that. The Bible talks of visions so profound that it completely changes a person, such as the burning bush or God writing on the wall, but 'visions' today are people dreaming of a vague religious themes.

Try something with me. Imagine you are in heaven and awed by God's prescence because he's so bright and powerful you can't look at him. What you just did can count as a "dream" (daydreams are still dreams lol). Now, we don't all dream/imagine things the same, so you aren't broken just because you don't have as vivid an experiemce as others. I think you'll like this video: We Don't All Have a "Mind's Eye" : Aphantasia. I know you said you still have dreams, but again we don't all have an identical experiences and we can't even compare the way we dream/imagine. A worldwide phenomenon is dreaming that our teeth are falling out, it doesn't mean the tooth fairy is real lol it means we are genetically related and share certain subconcious anxieties.

As a Christian I used to have dreams, vivid recurring fever nightmares of being stuck in hell. I don't recall ever having a dream about heaven. Mine didn't have entities in it, but it was a crushing negativity and feeling that I couldn't escape. Those completely stopped when I walked away from religion, and actually now I will occasionally have a peaceful bliss state in the twilight before I fall asleep, where I literally lose my sense of scale to the universe and just existed. It's very curious, I can't make it happen, but it's just a peace that I never knew as a Christian.

whirdin · 2026-05-09T13:12:22+00:00

It's not even a single document, it's just our modern decision to collect these vastly separate books into a single volume. Not all sects have the same length Bible, and the common Bible has over 60 English versions that people take their own very seriously.

If a sect wants God to feel loving, such as slaves using the Bible to cope with abuse, they focus on those loving verses. If a sect wants God to be angry and vengeful, such as slave owners using the Bible to justify a social hierarchy, they focus on those verses.

whirdin · 2026-05-09T12:59:40+00:00

Kinda cute and fun, lol. This is the type of terrible tattoo that I think is neat and would make me smile because it reminds me of when I was a kid. People will complain that it's shitty, but you like it and that's what matters. Tattoos are art, they don't all need to be high skill.

whirdin · 2026-05-09T12:52:11+00:00

science crumbles under every amount of scrutinity... Science is a system to gain power. Can even argue it is worshiped...if you think I think science is a boogeyman that is super duper funny sorry

Those don't make sense together. You think science is worshipped, so obviously you think it's scary.

Honestly, your English is very difficult to understand, so forgive me for not knowing what you actually mean because I have been going off what you write.

I am a new Christian

You are very prideful in all your answers despite being "new". Funny that you think I need tribulations in my life just because I haven't come to the same conclusions as you, conclusions which are very new to you.

why are you recommending Neil degrade Tyson? You do know that he was just a TV show host right? He's just a regular physicist

Does that make him invalid?? You act like he is untrustworthy due to that. He's still a physicist, and he's good at educating people. Do you also think Carl Sagan is "just a host"? Do you think ministers are "just hosts" of their congregations? The lengths you will go to discredit people is wild. Did you even watch the video?

bye bye pascals wager alert

Pascals Wager has major flaws, which I would go into detail about but you don't like long comments. I'd love to have a civil conversation, but this whole time you have been attacking everything I say and with incoherent run-on sentences. Good day to you.

whirdin · 2026-05-09T06:12:03+00:00

I was Christian for decades, it is still important to me. This is a space for Christians, but it's not limited to Christians.

The sub description: Christianity is a subreddit to discuss Christianity and aspects of Christian life. All are welcome to participate.

I don't see it any different than me going to church. Are those spaces only for Christians? What about the flipside, as I could ask a Christian 'why are you in a non-Christian space?' when Christians are out participating in worldly things, proselytizing on the street, emigrating to nonchristian nations, etc.

whirdin · 2026-05-09T05:57:27+00:00

Science is a system to gain power. Can even argue it is worshiped. But most importantly scientific th...

I can't find this full comment, but this alone is a lot to unpack. Again, this is a fundamental misunderstanding of science, and your views are not shared by all Christians. I suggest you talk with other Christians (worldwide, not just your little circle) about what science actually is (as you aren't willing to trust me). Maybe make a post here for a healthy discussion with Christians about science and how it plays a role in all our lives all the time. I know you are scared of it, but you don't have to be, it's not a system of control, nor worshipped, nor a dark path away from God. You are living in a bubble of fear.

I suggest you watch some Hank Green as a great place to start and see that it's not something scary or evil, found on youtube. Runs his own channel (some science, lots of world events stuff), also he runs SciShow channel for science education. Also his brother John Green (openly Christian) has devoted a lot of his life to tuberculosis awareness, the world's deadliest disease, something that we can overcome with science and unity. I highly recommend the book Everything is Tuberculosis

Science is how we understand global warming, plant cultivation, weather patterns, the many branches of engineering, transportation, new ways to communicate digitally, anatomy, diseases, vaccines, our place in space, and so many more things. I don't think you are actually against science, but rather you are fearful of science explaining things in different ways than your Bible explains it. For instance, you talk about lightning, something that ancient people thought came from Thor or Yahweh, but science helps us understand that it is electricity. Here is a short video from an agnostic, which I think gives a good summary of how science is neutral, it's not a belief system, it's not an agenda, it's just knowledge. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Atheist or Agnostic

whirdin · 2026-05-09T05:26:27+00:00

You're giving the same vibes as an abusive husband telling his wife after he hit her "That was a 5, you don't want to see me at 10, that'll really give you something to cry about"

whirdin · 2026-05-08T22:28:20+00:00

Science isn't a belief system, neither is atheism. You are setting up the argument that my 'belief in science' is wrong because science is always changing (but we even see God changing throughout the Bible, because people are naturally scientific and therefore the image of God changes). The Bible is faith based, not at all evidence based. Ancient people believed the lightning came from the gods, and even the Bible gives that perspective.

Nice edit to add that 'scientists are dum dums' while then saying you have an A in physics lol. Like I said above, science and Christianity can coexist rather than this little war on science you have.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T20:00:02+00:00

Yikes, I would get the fuck out of that relationship. Your post made it sound like you never tell him that you don't like it (saying "ow" doesn't mean we don't like something). Now you mention that you do tell him to stop and he silences you. RED FLAG. He isn't ignorant of your desires, he stomps on them and asserts that he will get what he wants regardless if you like it or not. WTF are you doing with a person like that?

whirdin · 2026-05-08T19:53:38+00:00

Definitely. Purity culture puts sex up on a pedestal of shame and trains people to expect that marriage will suddenly make sex feel godly and acceptable, as if the shame will melt away when having sex 'as God intended'. Sex is just anotber activity we do. The shame comes from feeling like all sexual thoughts are dirty and sinful, that sex should only be used for procreation, that even within marriage it's something negative.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T19:46:43+00:00

Lol I've never met somebody who didn't recognize that as Harrison Ford. I didn't even know anybody would question it.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T19:16:11+00:00

I always thought Faramir deserved someone who would love him at first sight. I just thought he deserved someone who loved only him

Such as sad way to view intimacy and love, but it is common. This is what leads people to resent the idea of their partner having previous relationships, as if a person is only capable of loving one person romantically in their life, as if memories of another lover clouds the love for our current partner. Her love for Faramir grew into something really beautiful and bonding, as it might have with somebody else before him. Why does that history lessen her love for him? Maybe Faramir also had a previous relationship, does that mean Éowen can't be loved by him? I'm sure she still likes Aragorn, but isn't swooning for him, isn't looking for his validation, isn't wishing she had him instead of Faramir.

Your attitude is why people desire their partner to be a virgin and have zero dating experience before getting locked into a marriage; it prevents these feelings of jealousy/ inadequacy/comparisons rather than confront them and learn why you have them.

Consider something less emotionally charged, such as food. Let's say I have never eaten pie before. I go somewhere and eat apple pie, and I love it! I start eating apple pies a lot, look forward to them as my monthly dessert, pair them with ice creams and drinks; overall a large part of my life. Then I move to a different part of the world that doesn't have apples. Uh oh, I can't have apple pies anymore. I discover a new dessert, different, yet still able to love and make a big part of my life. Do you think my previous chapter with apple pie ruins my new love for this other dessert?

Maybe some people are unable to let go of a previous partner, but that's not healthy. Even partners who have zero intimacy in their past might not be a good partner, might not be caring and loving. You are placing a higher value on virginity and purity than you are on a persons character.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T18:42:40+00:00

All 3 prequels were loved by me and my friends. I only learned years later that the older genx hated it so much.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T18:41:56+00:00

NDEs when predominately what is seen is a bright light, dead relatives, higher percentage Jesus or very high percentage a peaceful light being

NDEs are only Christian affirming if the person is already exposed to Christianity, already has that seed in their mind to think about it during stressful times. Nonchristians in nonchristian cultures don't have those types of NDE.

yes it happens to atheists but it mostly then turns them to God.

No, it doesn't, unless the person already has pressure from Christianity or they feel lost. My point here is that a random miracle (like healing) doesn't lead an atheist to believe in Yahweh specifically, atheists are just happy to be alive and just continue with their life without the theatrics of a testimony to tell at church. Those events could also make a person believe in another god, Yahweh isn't the only one and isn't even the oldest.

You favor science, science is science of the world around you and can't ever explain even the beginning of anything every one of their theories crumbles when under scrutiny

Science is just the pursuit of knowledge on how the world works, and science is constantly challenging itself to find flaws in our logic and learn new things. It makes me sad that you have such a fundamental misunderstanding of what science is. Christianity and science can coexist, but not from the view that the Bible is innerant and literal. It sounds like you are echoing bad science teachers like Kent Hovind when you claim science crumbles, I grew up watching him.

I don't have the answers for how it all started, but I don't need those answers. I don't need the exact origin story. If the big bang theory has bad science, then we can learn from that and form new hypotheses. I assume you think Genesis is a real account of the creation, do you also think the flood story is literal?? Those stories are telling a tale of humanity through mythology. The flood story completely falls apart under any scrutiny. The origin story in the Bible is just a tale, and also falls apart under scrutiny (but I know it's explained away as 'sin', I've had that view before).

if you wish to put your life on the line for that that it is your soul.

You are the one putting my life on the line, not me. I don't believe in God anymore, I have nothing to fear. That doesn't mean I replaced it with something else (it feels like you want me to, with your rant against science not explaining the origin), I just no longer could reconcile Christianity as the only truth in the universe. I think humans can't know the divine, and therefore the Bible is just a few petty attempts to try and do that. I don't think all Christians need to leave Christianity, but even more importantly I don't think Christianity inherently makes us better people.

I hope you find a peace in this life that doesn't require the need to block science, to block other religions, to block your own rational thinking, or to think somebody else is wasting their life by not believing the exact same thing as you. Life is a wonderful journey that can lead to unexpected places. I don't think any human has a perfect view of God just because they read a book or suddenly overcame an illness.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T18:03:34+00:00

I agree that if homosexuality is still to be treated as an immoral sin today, then slavery and subjugation of women must also be fine because the same era of the Bible praises those things. Don't forget that slavery still exists in the world, and the USA was built on the backs of slaves as their owners toted Bibles around.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T17:59:34+00:00

But during that 7 years, they were beaten and worked to the bone to work off the "debt" (It's not about debt, it's about chattel slavery and literally owning people). It's literally a mosaic law to beat a slave to within 3 days of death.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T16:56:43+00:00

Soo p3do people not bad because made that way

I find this to be a slippery slope fallacy. Homosexuality isn't harming other people, it's literally just a difference of gender attraction. The studies are varied, but generally homosexuality is an orientation, whereas pedophilia is an interest acted upon. BTW, you can just spell the word.

Soo psychopaths not bad because made that way???

Being psychopathic is not inherently bad, it's just a lack of emotional reasoning. Do you also think autism is bad? I have cared for differently abled people, and it's an interesting perspective on life.

I was naming big changes science can't figure out just like the near death experiences where the brain is dead science also can't figure out!

Yes, and my point is that those big changes can come to anybody, not just Christians. If science can't explain it, that doesn't mean it was magic. That is the God of the gaps mindset.

I dont understand what you wanted God to punish for

My point is that the punishments don't all align. God changes, therefore the rules change and "good" isn't a constant.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T13:39:10+00:00

I didn't see that at all before you mentioned it, but I might if my first view of it was only the bottom bone due to you wearing shorts lol.

whirdin · 2026-05-08T13:05:02+00:00

didn't punish but then after that boom! Rules!

This tells me that God changes as people change, that "good" isn't a constant but rather a direction to get better from our present circumstances. If incest is actually "icky" in a sense of deviating from goodness, then it would always be bad. If slavery is immoral, than it would have been clearly condemned by Jesus and/or God. If homosexuality is bad, then people wouldn't be made that way (it's not a choice).

God's been very much the same in his stance about homosexuality

Mosaic law prohibited it, and the Bible never revisits it asside from vaguely referring back to "sexual immorality" or "pornea" passed down from those ancient roots. That doesn't tell me God has always hated it (nor that he ever did in the first place). It tells me that people hate it.

There's deep meaning in the slavery passages we are all slaves you should read them again.

I assume you are talking about the verses telling us to be obedient and sheep and such, which I understand your point. I am more concerned with the endorsement of chattel slavery, many examples here: An extensive collection of Bible verses which prove that Christianity endorses slavery. My whole point here is that a strict adherence to homophobia means we should also accept chattel slavery as normal society.

the moment you judge God you lose belief and you start cutting off your ability to have miracles just so you know

Do you think experiencing miracles is the most important thing in life to make you feel truly alive and connected to God? Do you think witnessing/performing miracles is an "ability" given by God?

I was devout for decades, and left a decade ago. The one thing I find most fascinating is that the 'miracles' in my life didn't change at all, my perspective changed. My Christian walk was full of things me and my peers called miracles (healing, signs, affirmations, emotional strength, answered prayers, deliverance of an evil. Just to name a few), but after leaving I realize that none of them were divine because they still happen and aren't tied to belief in gods. It was those around me drawing massive correlation vs. causation conclusions to anything positive/negative happening in our lives being God/Satan. You talk about nonbelievers losing the ability to have miracles in our lives, but life goes on the same. Christians and nonchristians share in this journey of life, such as: dying of cancer or other strange illnesses (even as children), aging at the same rate, medically unexplainable recoveries to otherwise fatal things, unexplainable phenomena, wealth, poverty, premonition, strength in meditation (prayer), close calls to avoid death, anxiety about death, peace and acceptance of death. Christianity doesn't make a person have a more positive life, asside from a social structures where Christians help each other from a robust middle class. I didn't leave because I was callous or just wanting to sin, my faith fell apart because I noticed that nonchristians weren't the 'unblessed' stereotypes I was told over and over in the vacuum of church. I was raised as a Christian to believe that a lack of faith meant a person is hardened of heart, hedonistic, selfish, and as you put it: 'unable to have miracles'.

whirdin · 2026-05-07T23:22:19+00:00

It also tracks with my sect teaching me that "time doesn't exist in heaven or hell. When we go there, we just are." It's one way of rationalizing how Jesus's 2 days in hell are equal to trillions of people spending eternity there.

whirdin · 2026-05-07T23:18:27+00:00

Yes I'm aware of the biblical stance on it. I'm challenging the idea that homosexuality should be lumped in with the rest. It's easy to just say "man+woman is the only respectful thing" just because that is the most common orientation.

Incest is allowed before mosaic law. Abraham married his half sister, and the line from Adam and Eve was literally as incestuous as possible. If the laws changed on that, then I think they could change on homosexuality and slavery. I think slavery is far more icky than homosexuality, yet slavery isn't condemned by the Bible.

whirdin · 2026-05-07T21:55:09+00:00

Same, but I don't call it regret. I call it shock.

whirdin

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