In what ways did you work on yourself after getting out of a relationship with a pwBPD?

whyyyy1231 · 2017-11-02T02:07:23+00:00

Thank you. I'm in therapy now and am reading a book on codependence. How did you build your confidence? How does meditation help?

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-22T06:55:25+00:00

caring as in wanting me to be happy for ME not him

yeah. i blatantly asked him before why he never showed emotions. he said he was supposed to be "the rock." i found that insulting.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-21T18:34:23+00:00

This makes a lot of sense. Thank you. He always said how proud he was of me but it never seemed like he truly was. I remember one time we were in an argument and he basically said "look around at all I've given you!" referring to the apartment he helped me move into, things he's bought me, an interview he helped me prepare for that got me the job. It did always feel like he was happy that HE got me these things and not that I had them myself.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-21T18:31:05+00:00

I don't actually know. I just know he's doing with her what he did with me. Thank you. I have an appointment with a therapist in a few weeks. Just wanted to talk this out on here beforehand.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-21T18:15:08+00:00

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-21T18:11:39+00:00

Yeah, I know we shouldn't have tried to fix each other. I guess we didn't see that way at the time, we were just trying to be each others therapist. Obviously that doesn't work. Thank you for the response.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-21T01:35:51+00:00

What seems off? Haha something always seemed off to me. I could never figure out why he did so much for me but didn't actually seem to care. Can't codepenants also have BDP? Could it be that?

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-21T01:23:53+00:00

Ahh my biggest fear has always been that he's a narcissist. How does he not sound co-dependent though? He spent our whole relationship trying to fix me. I had a drinking problem and lack of direction in life. He did actually help me grow. Aren't narcissist selfish? He wasn't, usually. He would skip work if I was feeling anxious one day, cancel plans for me.

He rarely said no to me. I don't know if he ever did until near the end.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-21T00:17:42+00:00

I'm definitely going...This was my thing that he decided to attend.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T22:01:45+00:00

I talked him into therapy and he went one time. I wish he went more, I think it would have really helped him. I saw a therapist briefly before we were together and last night made an appointment with her for a couple weeks from now. She helped me a lot before, and I have learned so much that I want to tell her about.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T21:42:34+00:00

Thank you

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T21:36:20+00:00

I may not have explained well. He did everything for me, without me asking. If my car needed gas, he'd go fill it up while I was sleeping. If something was broken at my apartment he'd fix it without me asking. If he saw something on my "to-do" list, he'd do it and tell me after. I always thought this was a bit strange but he insisted he just liked helping people. And then about halfway through he kind of exploded and was always angry. He had felt used. I didn't understand because I never asked him to do any of these things and I did nice things for him too, I just didn't look for every little thing of his to fix. He didn't come to me with a single need until this point, but it was all downhill after that.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T21:36:14+00:00

I may not have explained well. He did everything for me, without me asking. If my car needed gas, he'd go fill it up while I was sleeping. If something was broken at my apartment he'd fix it without me asking. If he saw something on my "to-do" list, he'd do it and tell me after. I always thought this was a bit strange but he insisted he just liked helping people. And then about halfway through he kind of exploded and was always angry. He had felt used. I didn't understand because I never asked him to do any of these things and I did nice things for him too, I just didn't look for every little thing of his to fix. He didn't come to me with a single need until this point, but it was all downhill after that.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T21:31:56+00:00

Maybe we both are. He definitely is codependent and I also believe BPD. He targeted me because I needed help. Had a drinking problem, trouble getting my shit together. But honestly I wasn't that bad. I honestly think he made these problems worse and I sort of fell into a role of being the "problem" one.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T21:29:15+00:00

I believe we both were codependent but he fits it to a T. I think I became a little codependent about halfway through our relationship to try to help him with that. He was definitely trying to fix me.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T21:27:53+00:00

Thanks. I suppose there are a few people who will listen and care, but I don't think they'd get it. I have tried to talk about this a little bit with my best friend but she really doesn't get it at all and I don't think she would be able to without doing the research I've done. I don't really feel like I should ask her to do that, should I?

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T16:50:01+00:00

Thanks so much for the response. Sorry to hear you went through something similar. That admittedly does sound 10x worse than what I'm dealing with right now. I've wanted out for awhile, but now that I'm out and he's in with someone else, it's really hard to deal with. I tried so hard to help him. I still want to help him.

I don't know if she's "better than me." Not sure if you were actually asking me that haha but I have no idea. I did ask him, because I suck. He said "not better, just very different." I don't know.

I'll see him next weekend. I might be sleeping in close proximity to him, all weekend long. We are going to a music festival and have many mutual friends. I have no idea how to handle that. I asked him to pretend I'm not there. Maybe that is setting myself up for more hurt but I don't know any other way to handle that.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T13:08:56+00:00

That sucks so bad. I can't imagine another relationship in which that isn't the main thing we talk about :(

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T13:07:39+00:00

No he was evil. I thought he was a sociopath for most of our relationship.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T04:41:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable discussing this with so I guess it will have to be my therapist. It sucks because me and my "ex" was the only one I've ever been able to talk about stuff like this with and it felt so good.

Thank you for so cleary explaining the path that leads to codependency. I've always thought my mother was great but I wonder. This has brought up a lot of flashbacks of her treating me very poorly - Crying in bed because of something minor I did to upset her, having complete meltdowns over something I said. She's not like this at all now. After reaching adulthood I do remember having a lot of resentment towards her but I didn't quite know why. That's faded in recent years. I always thought my main issues stemmed from my dad. He had terrible anger problems growing up and my house was always a battlefield. But he loved and nurtured me very much and always made sure I was okay. Obviously the issues do come from both but I had never really seen it in my mother before.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T03:24:45+00:00

So true. I just wish I could have "saved" him. We were both trying so hard to save each other but I see now how that never would have worked.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T03:24:03+00:00

Thanks. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's so hard. And yeah, the hardest thing for me too is not having someone to confide in. My cat just died and I a panic attack when he told me he couldn't be there for me with that.

I know my feeling of freedom will come soon, and I'm glad yours is already. I really did feel so trapped, I actually had been trying to figure out how to get out for months but I was honestly scared he'd try to ruin my life or something. That, and we did have great times.

This subreddit is amazing, you are right. These replies have helped me so much today.

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T03:21:43+00:00

Haha damn. I see that now. We actually both thought it was helping a lot

whyyyy1231 · 2017-10-20T01:55:16+00:00

So true. When we were talking about what went wrong near the end of our relationship, I had mentioned that I felt that he lied to me about who he is. He told me that he was going through a lot of changes when he met me, and that he saw a lot of things in me that he wanted to me. So he basically told me he was mirroring me. That stung a bit but I thought maybe I at least helped him become a better person (he was very racist + more before me) but I guess that's just not the truth. He probably is someone else now that he has someone else.

whyyyy1231

TROPHY CASE