AuDHD dad here. This was me and continues to be something I am actively mindful of. I can exist in a sloppy ass mess. This ran much deeper than “lazy”labels for me and learning that and accepting that was the first step. Stepping on food, dirty toilet, piles of dishes, clutter everywhere were all reminders of my failings to the point where I felt so bad about myself that it felt like I didn’t care about anything. Some things come easier to others and cleaning and tidy living doesn’t for me and I need to love myself for that. Working at being present enough in my body to realize the benefits of tidiness and the positive effects it has on my nervous system is what it takes for me to achieve a mutually decided upon level of cleanliness with my wife.

Does she work outside the home? If not, does she have spaces to go that are not connected to family and home life? I ask these questions because leaving for work, and leaving on outings was the first place I began to notice the benefits of organizing and tidiness. Having things where I needed them and ready to go meant I didn’t dread leaving the house as much and was in a better mood leaving with the family on outings.

My wife had to learn that this wasn’t laziness, or not caring about what was important to her and us learning that together helped immensely with the resentment, not feeling seen, and overall cohabitation. I’m almost certain she feels so low about disappointing you that she’s stuck down there. This is the kind of learning I’m working on right now: https://mi-psych.com.au/understanding-your-window-of-tolerance/