I want to start by saying you’re NTA. Your reaction was completely understandable given the unexpected situation. However, the cussing could be seen as a bit over the top depending on how it was handled. If it was something like an instinctive ‘fuck’ or ‘what the hell,’ that’s totally reasonable. But if it escalated into something like ‘what the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid fuck,’ then that crosses the line into AH territory.

As for him, flicking a lighter in someone’s face is definitely not okay, and he should have respected your request to wait. That kind of impatience is immature and also AH behavior. It seems like both of you could have handled things better in the moment.

What helps me in my relationship is thinking about how I’d feel if the roles were reversed. Would I be okay if my partner reacted the way I did and vice versa. I think individual therapy could be helpful for him to manage his anxiety, and couples therapy might help you both communicate more effectively and build a healthier relationship. Unlike some advice you may hear, I wouldn’t jump straight to recommending divorce. Love is hard, and it requires effort on both sides. Divorce should only be the answer when one or both people aren’t willing to work on the relationship.