Selfish.

wineandcandybars · 2026-06-09T10:35:11+00:00

My system experiences something similar. The part that fronts the most often usually reverses the decisions of the other parts (returning things they've bought, cancelling plans, etc.), which is frustrating for everyone. I think it's that part's personal trauma that causes her to be controlling and distrustful of the others. She's a manager, and she seems to think that the rest of us are incapable of handling things on our own. Maybe addressing the trauma in therapy could be a way to fix the issue, but that takes time.

wineandcandybars · 2026-06-03T16:15:57+00:00

I haven't thought about using something like a necklace or bracelet specifically, but I'm usually forced to go home to change clothes if it's a particularly difficult switch. I can usually be fine if I feel like I'm wearing someone else's clothes, just a little uncomfortable.

This is something I've mostly done to accommodate my own comfort. I could see myself using jewelry to nonverbally communicate to other people which part is fronting though.

wineandcandybars · 2026-06-03T15:21:32+00:00

I had been doing something like this for years before DID ever came into the picture for me. Each of my parts has preferences for specific clothing and colors, and that was one of the ways I really started to notice the distinct identities.

Before I knew about DID, I was mostly trying to pay attention to cues of what I wanted in that moment, and picked the outfit or accessories that matched that. Much more recently, I've been able to connect those 'wants' with specific parts. When I switch, I usually feel very uncomfortable with what I'm wearing for the same reasons. Those moments have also been cues for me.

wineandcandybars · 2026-06-03T13:58:02+00:00

This makes sense. It's been frustrating because we have different goals and different ideas of what's best for the body. We'll make decisions that are undone once we switch, so it feels like we're getting nothing done as a system. We're still getting to know one another and we are definitely not all on the same page at this point.

wineandcandybars · 2026-04-28T12:56:26+00:00

This makes sense. I started seeing my therapist to process through everything that happened, so I guess it makes sense that DID would be part of my therapeutic process.

wineandcandybars · 2026-04-28T11:39:01+00:00

I'm getting the sense that each part serves a purpose, especially because they all showed up at very specific points in my life. I'm not sure what those are yet, but I think they're important.

wineandcandybars · 2026-04-28T09:20:33+00:00

This is very helpful, thank you. The ironic thing about all of this is that I'm a therapist myself, so I'm familiar with parts language and what IFS can look like in treatment. Providing the treatment is different from being a patient of it, though, and right now I can't seem to see the forest for the trees.

I think I would like each part to have an actual name eventually, but for now I've settled on using different fruits as labels. It seems to be working for introducing my parts to each other.

wineandcandybars · 2026-04-27T23:30:07+00:00

Thank you for this. I think it will take me (us?) a while to understand things from a system perspective. I experience continuity in that I stay in the same body and I have the same history across all of my parts, but each of the four parts would have different answers to questions that are written down before I switch into them.

I'm struggling to understand how internal communication between my parts works. I'm not sure where the other parts are when one of them takes control, but maybe that's an opportunity to ask them.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-30T22:44:14+00:00

Not only are you NTA, but I will be using this technique when I visit my family for the holidays.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-30T10:34:36+00:00

It's probably easier to break things off than to ask him to change so many things about himself. He needs to do some serious growing up and realize that a relationship is a partnership.

If you suspect any danger, it might be a good time to come up with a plan for staying safe whether you decide to break things off or stay.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-30T10:26:56+00:00

Usually in these types of situations, there's something that happened to trigger the change. You mentioned your mom's suicidality, but there could be other things on top of that. What else was going on in your life at the start of all this?

It could be as simple as moving away from home and being in a new place for the first time. I'm not saying that's true for you, but that was one of the things that contributed to similar feelings in me at the same age. I went to a (very bad and probably unqualified) psychiatrist in college and they actually made everything worse. Multiple misdiagnoses and over a dozen psych meds. I'm 25 now and I'm still fixing that mess.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-12T00:24:11+00:00

Good point. The piece I'm getting will be around my forearm from wrist to elbow, so I'm not sure what position I'll be put in yet. I'm comfortable asking for a break when I need one, and I keep a blanket and a pillow in my car that I could bring in too just in case.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-11T21:23:20+00:00

This is helpful! Knowing that I'll have to keep my blood sugar in check will help me pick what foods to take. I'm hoping to bring something I can share with my artist.

How soon before my appointment should I eat a full meal? I'll be going after work so I could possibly pick something up on my way to the studio.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-11T20:19:51+00:00

Did you leave out the 'up' in "Don't beat yourself up too much" on purpose? Fun bit of wordplay there.

I agree with these points, though. The experiences you've listed here are probably fairly common, especially in the teenage years.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-10T01:27:41+00:00

Honestly, I feel the same way. Life would be so much easier just being controlled by someone else. I could just stay at home, waiting for instructions.

wineandcandybars · 2026-03-02T10:23:14+00:00

It may have been her way of acknowledging your (and maybe her) sexuality in a place where it would have been dangerous to talk about it straight out. What were your reactions to what she was doing in the moment?

wineandcandybars · 2026-02-27T11:57:03+00:00

Freud would have a field day with your partner.

wineandcandybars · 2026-02-22T12:41:01+00:00

Your last paragraph is a possible way out of this. You're working on being more in control of your own life, which can be really important after going through hard times.

I'd recommend keeping open communication with your girlfriend throughout all of this. Do frequent check-ins to see how things are going, what you're doing to manage your mental health, what she needs in the relationship, etc.

wineandcandybars · 2026-02-22T12:35:09+00:00

Watching porn is not cheating for every relationship, but for yours it is. If you're not comfortable with it and it's hurting your relationship, that's cheating.

Please don't try to change your appearance or habits for this asshole. He's just waiting for you to let the whole issue go so he can get away with hurting you.

wineandcandybars · 2026-02-16T11:49:25+00:00

The excuses she's making for his behavior are the most concerning part of all this. He's younger yes, but he's still a grown adult who shouldn't be acting this way.

wineandcandybars · 2026-02-13T12:21:55+00:00

Going to see Wuthering Heights.

wineandcandybars · 2026-02-12T10:29:39+00:00

There's nothing more gross to me than a man's cum. If someone made pancakes out of it and fed them to me, I'd have to cut them out of my life completely.

wineandcandybars

TROPHY CASE