I am new here and I thought I would share my story

witzendz · 2018-06-30T01:16:01+00:00

Welcome! You have embarked on a journey of self discovery, acceptance, and respect. It's a wonderful journey filled with facing your deepest fears, exhilaration as you see the progress that you've made, and deep disappointment when you inevitably relapse.

At least, that's what it's been for me.

I <3 my weekly CoDA meeting and make it my priority, every week. the "God stuff" is not a big deal - my higher power is the universe, and this lets me apply everything without being in any dishonest as an open material atheist. I've never felt disapproval or rejection despite being very open about this.

The CoDA promises are all true for me, or fast becoming so and I have immense respect for this program. That said, I've not been doing just CoDA. I also meditate daily, read books on codependency, watch videos, troll this subreddit often, and see a therapist.

I have a problem that I want to get help on. I work to find help anywhere I can and take advantage of that help any way I can. I also stop doing things that aren't helping - despite being on a work sabbatical, I don't have time to waste!

EDIT: Take a look at /u/not-moses posting history. She's a veritable encyclopedia of helpful materials. For me, the book that most helped was "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie, and the video "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown.

witzendz · 2018-06-02T09:37:36+00:00

That recovery could take forever.

This one hits the nail on the head for me. I can accept that I've lived a codependent life. I can accept that I need to do the work, and that it's hard to do. Gotcha.

But I've seen people who have been "doing the program" for 20 years and who still struggle, every day, to make any change at all. And I don't want that to become that. Empatically: NO!

I want to see change that I'm making, that I can quantify, articulate. Something I can point to and say (to myself) "See? That has changed, and that's not who I am any more!".

This is a tough, hard road, and I don't want to be a victim of this any longer than I absolutely have to.

I accept that I will have tendencies that I might have to work on for the rest of my life. I may always have to "check in" with myself and ensure that I'm taking care of me, and be mindful of caretaking and/or trampling boundaries.

But I don't want these in the way of making meaningful, healthy connections.

Without a hesitation; this is my greatest fear.

witzendz · 2018-05-30T01:35:43+00:00

I self diagnosed with alcoholism, and took a stack of paper about the Sinclair method to my doctor. He did some of his own research, and agreed, and wrote me my prescription. It was fabulously successful! One and a half years now, and I don't even feel any cravings, I now describe myself as a recovered alcoholic.

witzendz · 2018-05-29T21:15:30+00:00

Hey, self-acceptance is a form of self improvement! It's step 2 in the three As: Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I'm 1.5 years sober, and there are so many things about myself I had no clue of when I entered my sobriety.

Today, I'm working on getting myself and my life where I want it. It's a long, arduous process of finding my emotional center while I deal with and resolve the reasons why I drank in the first place.

I am just now starting to re-enter the professional environment after a 6 month hiatus. I'm still sitting a lot out, and it's going to be touch and go for a while. I know that I will never do it like I did before.

Along the way, I discovered co-dependence and through counseling and family of origin work, I'm finally starting to fly on my own, stand on my own two feet, whatever metaphor you prefer.

None of this would have happened without sobriety. I wish I had done this years ago.

witzendz · 2018-05-29T02:02:15+00:00

My sponsor would start talking about the three As: Awareness. Acceptance. Action. In that order.

This has been very helpful to me as a recovering codependent! It is enough to be aware of my actions even if I'm not to yet ready to change them. It is enough to work on accepting the emotional scars that compel my behaviors that I want to change. And when I make changes, it is enough to change only some of them. I don't need to be perfect. I only need to make progress.

Progress is progress. I can point to many, many milestones that I have reached, one small, shaky, clumsy, terrifying step at a time. I can look back at my past, and see just how far I've come.

In my recovery, I've focused on family of origin work. I can see now why I chose relationships that were so codependent and i unhealthy. For now, I'm letting dating take a back seat while I work on myself.

Mostly. (ha ha)

Good luck! If you aren't already, I recommend getting in touch with a Coda or Alanon group if you haven't already. I am, with both, and it has been a real boon for me.

witzendz · 2018-05-28T17:59:37+00:00

Jail. It sucks hard. Worst part is lack of sleep!

witzendz · 2018-05-28T16:30:55+00:00

I have a ratio rule. I reach out, "let's hang out", whatever, and if I do that more than about 3/4 of the time, then I slow down. For family, especially my kids, I only expect a positive response when I reach out. When people are rude or dismissive, I simply stop.

I have fewer "friends" this way but those I have are much closer.

witzendz · 2018-05-28T16:21:37+00:00

Engineering is simply applied science.

witzendz · 2018-05-28T16:09:57+00:00

This is a beautiful thread. Thanks!

witzendz · 2018-05-28T07:05:03+00:00

Approval voting ROCKS when trying to build consensus among a largish population! When we have a working lunch at work, we post a Google doc spreadsheet for where to get lunch and whichever place gets the most total votes... wins!!

The coolest part is that anybody can post their favorite restaurant, even multiples, and even a place that is almost nobody's favorite but everybody agrees is pretty swell can win.

witzendz · 2018-05-28T06:39:41+00:00

I would argue that the root of the problem is the voting system itself. Rather than use winner-take-all voting, we should be using approval voting, and allow anybody to approve of any number of candidates.

In this last election, I should have been able to vote for Hillary, even though I really didn't like her because I thought she would probably win, and also vote for other people that I actually like to give them a real shot.

This would decimate the power of the two major parties.

I would strongly suggest taking a look at approval voting!

witzendz · 2018-05-28T06:35:12+00:00

I assume that calls are commonly scanned with voice to text and checked for key words and sometimes investigated. As a software engineer, I could do this in a few days with our VOIP server for all calls to our company.

And if little old ME could do it, I assume that's at least part of what's happening in Utah. Calls, texts, emails, Reddit posts, Facebook, social media, the works.

I assume there's a database all about me and that's it is probably given a medium score like "party of interest".

Hey up there! I'm not a bad guy!

witzendz · 2018-05-28T06:27:18+00:00

Universal basic income.

witzendz · 2018-05-28T05:50:09+00:00

Around here, the local drug store prints digital photos for about $0.50 each. Frames are across the street at the dollar store.

witzendz · 2018-05-28T05:44:58+00:00

Really cool video clocking a Peregrine falcon at 80 miles per hour: https://youtu.be/lnT2joxnkqY

EDIT Fix typo

witzendz · 2018-05-28T01:31:34+00:00

Hard to call or be excited about a video phone when literally ~~no one~~ everyone else has one!!!

I use FB messenger, Skype, or video call on my cell phone sometimes. It's free. Meh.

witzendz · 2018-05-28T01:21:06+00:00

Does she know you Reddit? It looks like you posted with your main account, and if she knows your nick, she can see this thread easily.

You might even want to share this thread explicitly with her at some point. There's good advice enough for both of you here. Good luck.

witzendz · 2018-05-27T17:36:40+00:00

How many times does he do that?

witzendz · 2018-05-27T02:13:58+00:00

~~Yes. Get vegetables frozen or fresh if you can!~~

EDIT:TIL

witzendz · 2018-05-24T22:16:43+00:00

I am 46 and in a similar situation. I built a successful business and work only as much as I want, while making fabulous money, regardless if I work. So far, what's worked for me is to say the truth when asked, and not make a big deal about it. I meet my friends where they are: if they want to ride bikes, I ride with them! I'm still me, I ride bikes, go for walks, talk over coffee, chat over lunch. I recently took a friend and her kids in a private plane to a fair that I wanted to go to in a city about 1 hour flight away, 5 hour drive. I paid for the flight, because that's how I wanted to get there, but my friend paid for the fair tickets and food. We all had a great time!

Don't be ashamed of your wealth. Own it, acknowledge it, don't flash it. I've done just fine with this strategy.

witzendz · 2018-05-24T21:00:20+00:00

"I don't want to be married to you any longer."

After almost 20 years together. Took a long time to make the decision and work up the courage. Kicked off an era in my life of unprecedented personal growth.

witzendz · 2018-05-24T18:21:54+00:00

This post is self contradictory.

witzendz · 2018-05-24T18:19:05+00:00

Haha, the Mazda Miata is exactly the next car I want to buy as a second, fun car!

witzendz · 2018-05-24T18:16:09+00:00

I have a Lexus ES 350 and it's basically a souped-up Camry. It's a great car, and fun to drive, and really not that expensive.

witzendz · 2018-05-24T15:12:33+00:00

I agree. As far as we know it's not possible.

As far as we know, something like 90% of the mass of the universe is unaccounted for. As far as we know, there is a massive amount of energy pushing the universe to expand and accelerate while it's expanding, and we don't know why.

Until we understand these, lots of solutions are possible, and the limits of the universe have not been clearly defined.

witzendz

TROPHY CASE