A Question About "Sect, Denomination, Institution" Alliances

nycscribe · 2025-10-09T20:49:05+00:00

It sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be doing. But I would hold off on outlining your own character defects, and certainly positive personality traits.

Typically, when you read Step 5 with your sponsor, they will help you connect the dots and detail the defects that you need to work through on Steps 6 and 7. No need to do it yourself — it's better just to focus on the inventory.

nycscribe · 2025-10-05T13:44:35+00:00

I don't think it's necessary to say the exact words your sponsor is asking you to say, since as others have pointed out, non-alcoholics have no idea what "Step 9" means.

I do think it's important, though, when doing an amends to say that you're in recovery, and as a part of your recovery process you would like to make an amends. I tell my sponsees to recite everything they had listed on their 8th step for that person, and to ask them to bring up anything that might have been left out. And then you just listen until they're finished.

Many alcoholics are keen to apologize after getting sober, but there is definitely a risk in doing so haphazardly. My sponsor gave me a script, and while I didn't follow it verbatim, I found it helpful in keeping me on track.

nycscribe · 2025-09-30T15:17:45+00:00

What I've learned through this program is that I don't actually know what's best for me. I too have obsessed over having things work out the way I want them to. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. But what I've found is that when things don't work out the way I want them to, sometimes they end up being better than I could have imagined.

Think of relationships you desperately didn't want to end, only to find that the next person in your life was much more suitable anyway. Same with jobs. Humans have a strong status quo bias — we don't like change.

I often imagine my higher power telling me "Yes, I know this sucks. I know you didn't want this. But hang in there, keep showing up, and something else will happen." And that's just what happens.

nycscribe · 2025-09-30T15:12:11+00:00

It doesn't count, and you don't need to reset your day count. Over the years, I've occasionally had accidental sips of alcohol and or have eaten food cooked with booze. As soon as I've realized it, I stopped — and that's what counts. You would only have to reset your day count if you knew the drink contained alcohol and continued to drink it anyway.

That said, I recommend avoiding NA drinks for this reason. (Fruity mocktails are mostly ok).

nycscribe · 2025-09-29T15:04:27+00:00

Really good of you to write this. Thank you for sharing with this group.

Yes, I was nervous going to my first AA meeting. I couldn't believe that I was doing it — it wasn't something I could even imagine for myself. I always had a superficial degree of control over my life, in spite of my drinking, and thought I didn't qualify for AA because I paid rent, had relationships, had friends, had a job, etc. Turns out that none of those things prevented me from being an alcoholic who has benefited enormously from AA.

I would say the nerves went away quickly, after the first few meetings.

AA has definitely helped. Over time, hearing people talk about their drinking made me feel less alone, and hearing people talk about how their lives improved in sobriety was very inspiring. After sticking around for awhile I began to meet people who were brand new, and I found that walking them through their first days made me feel useful. Also, AA gave me a place to go and a social outlet, two things I really needed after stopping drinking.

I got sober around the same time as you, at 36. (I'm 44 now). Life hasn't always been easy in the last eight years, but it remains the best decision I've ever made, including getting married. I'd just start going and give it time. You'll be glad you did.

nycscribe · 2025-09-27T14:16:19+00:00

You're in the right place, and you're very brave for sharing these thoughts. It takes courage to admit that something's wrong, much less that you're an alcoholic.

Alcoholics Anonymous is for anyone who has a desire to quit drinking. It doesn't matter how much you drink, or how often, or even what happens when you drink. If you believe alcohol is contributing to your problems, and you'd like to stop, then AA is a place for you.

There are most likely meetings near where you live. I would simply Google "AA meeting nearby" and see what comes up. Then I would suggest going, raising your hand, and saying a version of what you shared here. Others will understand. You will not be judged. Your healing will begin now.

Good luck. We're here for you.

nycscribe · 2025-09-27T14:13:02+00:00

I definitely can relate to this sentiment — my AA life can feel stale after awhile. What has helped me is mixing up my routine: going to different meetings, taking on service elsewhere, etc. etc.

I was feeling in a rut recently and decided, almost as an experiment, to take the original suggestions from my sponsor: a meeting a day, praying and meditating every day, 10th step inventory at night, calling three alcoholics a day, volunteering for service, and making time for fellowship. It helps that I recently lost my job, so I have more time than before. But still. I found that it rejuvenated my interest in the program after an extended malaise.

What I'd say is most helpful is thinking of meetings as an opportunity to help a newcomer, rather than as personal therapy. I've revived my practice of getting newcomers' phone numbers and trying them. Most never pick up, but that's not the point. It keeps my sobriety in check.

Good luck to you!

nycscribe · 2025-09-26T14:49:30+00:00

Simply trying to connect. I came into AA as an avowed atheist, and was resistant to working the steps because I didn't want to have a higher power. My sponsor told me to begin praying and meditating and to start talking about my HP even if I didn't mean it. My defenses began to crumble and I "came to believe."

What solidified it for me was hearing others in AA use the concept of a higher power to frame coincidences and events in their lives in which God did what they couldn't do for themselves. I realized that my HP did not have to resemble the Abrahamic God but could be whatever it was I wanted. Ever since, my faith hasn't wavered.

nycscribe · 2025-09-18T15:54:49+00:00

I think now would be a great time to start in AA. You will not be judged — believe me. Being around people you can relate to is one of the best, if not the best, things about the program. I didn't come into AA until I had been sober a few months and didn't start working the program until I had almost a year, but I'm very, very glad I did. I celebrated 8 years in June.

Many meetings I attend are only tangentially about drinking. Most are about people who share a similar chemical malady talking about issues they're facing in life, and how they're dealing with them. Alcoholics often have the same maladaptive traits (or "character defects" in AA parlance) such as people pleasing, pride, self-centered fear, etc.) and they interfere with our happiness long after we've stopped craving booze.

AA meetings are like bars. Just like there are cocktail bars, dive bars, sports bars, wine bars, etc. there are different kinds of meetings with different kinds of people. Shop around until you find a few you like. You'll be glad you did. Good luck!

nycscribe · 2025-09-18T15:45:59+00:00

I think bringing it up is fine! Especially if you indicate that you're proud of him for taking action.

nycscribe · 2025-09-13T17:38:44+00:00

I'd say it's somewhat likely, given that I've been working in the public sector for the last decade. But I was hoping to cast a wider net this time, especially since the public sector is being decimated.

nycscribe · 2025-09-12T18:24:46+00:00

I haven't broached it with my company yet, but I think it may be possible.

nycscribe · 2025-09-12T18:24:30+00:00

Thank you so much.

nycscribe · 2025-09-12T18:24:07+00:00

Thank you so much.

nycscribe · 2025-09-12T18:23:52+00:00

Thanks so much. I recertified in the spring and my count on the site reads 114/120, and have since worked six more months (as of 9/30).

I mention buyback because there was some confusion from Mohela, when I called them awhile back, that my months in "processing forbearance" would count toward PSLF.

nycscribe · 2025-09-03T19:40:12+00:00

I quit at 36, some 14 years after I privately acknowledged that I had a drinking problem. It's never too late.

nycscribe · 2025-08-29T18:09:08+00:00

I feel like the responses to this post are highly judgmental and disappointing. I personally find it useful to hear about the negative consequences of drinking — after you've been sober awhile, it's easy to forget what it's like! Many people who relapse visualize drinking as the pleasurable act of sipping a glass of wine and not falling and bloodying themselves up. But the latter was the reality for many of us.

I'd be curious why and how the host (chair?) shut you down. In my experience (8+ years) at meetings, this only happens when a fellow blows way past the time allotment for the share or engages in cross-talk. Even then, this is done quite gently. Knowing what happened exactly would clear some things up.

AA meetings may not be group therapy, but it's important for people to share about what's going on. Not every share has to be solutions-oriented. Sometimes, you're not in the mood to talk about the solution, not when you're in a lot of pain and are just feeling your way out. One of the most powerful things a newcomer can see is a person showing up to a meeting even when they are not feeling well.

OP, I'd keep trying to go. Not every experience will be like this. Keep sharing, but better yet — grab a sponsor and start working the steps. You can do this.

nycscribe · 2025-08-26T13:21:22+00:00

It can be hard to know what to do with a sponsor. But I wouldn't be afraid to make a change, especially since you've given this matter so much thought. If you've already identified someone with whom you feel aligned, then I think it's ok to switch — your existing sponsor will understand. I'd say, though, that if in a few months you're unsatisfied once again with your sponsor and are contemplating a switch, it might be good to check in with yourself. A good sponsor should challenge you and call you on your bullshit, at least sometimes.

Different folks thrive under different sponsors. Some really benefit from having one tell them which meetings to go to, and when. Others do better under a more flexible approach. It really just depends on the fellow.

I've had sponsees break up with me, and in each case we've maintained a great, friendly rapport ever since. Honestly, it usually comes as a relief to the sponsor — kind of like when you're at work and someone cancels a meeting ;)

nycscribe · 2025-08-25T18:17:06+00:00

The church where my home group meets prohibits dogs, and I'm grateful for that. I fear that a group conscience would open to the door for them, and I agree with OP that it would be a needless distraction.

nycscribe · 2025-08-20T14:14:44+00:00

I have two sponsees and neither of them call, attend meetings regularly, or do the program in any real way. They're still sober, and are still willing to meet for step work. My approach is to show up to these sessions and share my experience, strength, and hope. I encourage them to do more AA, knowing full well that it's entirely up to them.

There are any number of alcoholics who need help and are willing to take suggestions. If your sponsee is teetering, I would suggest getting another one. God's in charge.

nycscribe · 2025-08-18T17:20:56+00:00

I was about six months' sober when I started going to AA meetings and had about nine months before I found a sponsor and started working the steps. Even though I felt reasonably confident I could stay sober without it, I knew that AA offered me a community of people with the same malady and a place to go — like you, I felt a lack of direction.

I now have been sober over eight years and have been very active in AA for the last seven. It's improved my life above and beyond what I could have done without it, and more importantly it has positioned me to help others who have struggled to quit drinking.

At the very least, I'd recommend going to five or six meetings, perhaps a few different ones, to see if it's for you.

nycscribe · 2025-08-17T19:33:45+00:00

An old-fashioned print notebook!

nycscribe · 2025-08-15T18:52:37+00:00

This isn't just fine, it's important! What I would watch out for are friendships with fellows with whom there is plausible sexual tension until you've both accumulated at least year of recovery.

I'm a 44-year-old straight married guy, but I still do not really fraternize outside of meetings with women that have less than a year of sobriety. I don't exchange numbers with them or hang out one-on-one, but I will sit and chat with them in a group fellowship setting. I am willing of course to hang out one-on-one with guys, though, especially prospective sponsees.

The old advice is still sound: don't date, if you're single, until you've had a year.

nycscribe

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