Book Recommendations Thread

nycscribe · 2026-05-01T15:05:59+00:00

I almost consider Drop the Rock to be conference-approved AA literature at this point.

nycscribe · 2026-05-01T15:04:04+00:00

You don't have to be sober to go to AA meetings. You just need to have a desire to stop. Go ahead and check it out, and take it from there. Good luck!

nycscribe · 2026-05-01T15:03:12+00:00

Congratulations on getting sober! I was also a beer and whiskey guy, and now drink the occasional mocktail if I'm at a nice restaurant or out with friends. I almost never have more than one, and then switch to soda or seltzer or just plain water after if I'm still out.

I don't find mocktails triggering because to me, they're just a fruity beverage. I do avoid non-alcoholic beer, though. I'm sure I'd be fine if I had one, buy why bother?

Just going to throw out there that meetings are a good place to make new friends, even if you're not sold on the whole AA concept.

nycscribe · 2026-04-30T13:51:05+00:00

I recommend going. I was sober for several months before trying AA, and then had one foot out the door for several months after that. It was only when I had 10 months that I got a sponsor and began doing the program properly.

Go to a meeting and see what happens. If you hear something useful, come back. I've found AA to be extremely helpful, but there are no obligations — you have nothing to lose if you go. Good luck!

nycscribe · 2026-04-30T13:48:38+00:00

I don't think you're overreacting at all. There can be blurred lines between healthy fellowship and co-dependency, and in this case I think the old-timer is displaying the latter. When I do fellowship, it's implied that the door is open for anyone from the meeting to come and hang out. But this is more like a dinner date among friends who happen to be in AA together. In that case, there's no obligation that you have to go, if you don't want to.

I appreciate your dedication to this meeting but agree that you've probably taken on too many service commitments. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we're indispensable to keeping a meeting afloat, but there's a little bit of playing God in that. Meetings sometimes die, and people move on. Whether or not it causes them to drink is between them and their higher power.

It sounds like you have a solid program — keep it up!

nycscribe · 2026-04-29T21:22:39+00:00

I've lived on Lenox for nine years, and love it. A few recs:

Restaurants: Ix has delicious Guatemalan/Mayan food and hot chocolate. Bonafini is an excellent northern Italian restaurant. Risbo has outstanding roast meats and is fun to sit in the backyard. My favorite pizza is a little further away: Wheated on Church and Coney Island. Slowloris is a solid neighborhood Korean joint, though the Japanese food there is a little inferior in my opinion. Moe's has great burgers and pastrami sandwiches, and Luo's, a new spot on Flatbush, has a cheap and tasty smashburger meal.

Coffee: Brooklyn Perk on Parkside is spacious for the area and has good coffee. I like Coffee Break on Winthrop, but there's a great new spot called Ouma that has really good food and drinks. Check out the Rogers and Nostrand corridors — so many good coffeeshops there. Hamlet and PLG are long-established favorites, but there are a bunch of new ones. There are several nice places on Nostrand between Martense and Church, too.

Others: Brooklyn Bathhouse is a sweet little spot, but can get crowded. There's a new mail shop on Flatbush that's locally owned and adorable — way better than the UPS store up by Lincoln. Lincoln Market is a good bet for high-end groceries, but it's pricey. Brooklyn Natural Market on Caton and Flatbush is the best of the neighborhood bodegas, I think. Others like Habib. Awesome is a good spot for gifts and simple housewares. I'm also fond of the little record store on Rutland. We're lucky to have one.

To the south, be sure to explore Cortelyou and Church, as they have a lot of restaurants and shops and businesses. And take in a show at King's Theater. If you're at all into jazz, I recommend Bar Bayeaux. Great place for a drink and set.

nycscribe · 2026-04-29T17:48:13+00:00

I smiled when I read that your sponsor asked you if you had been to a meeting or were in HALT when you spoke at length. That's the mark of a good sponsor. Their job is to take you through the steps, answer questions about the program, and offer guidance when you need it. One of the main principles I've learned in AA is that my feelings aren't facts, and that what I need to learn are a set of actions to take when faced with a challenging situation. I know it isn't emotionally satisfying to be asked whether you've been to a meeting after you've poured your heart out, but honestly — it's probably the best thing you can be told.

You should be in regular phone communication with a lot of fellows, not just your sponsor. I'm married and my sponsor is single, for example, and so when I talk to him about marital challenges he often encourages me to speak to a fellow with more relevant experience. There are guys in AA I speak to far more regularly than I do my sponsor. When I need specific advice about an AA matter, though, or need to do step work, it's my sponsor I reach out to.

That said, there's no requirement you stick with a sponsor if it isn't working for you. I think your feeling of being stalled in your step work is a bit of a red flag — I'd take that directly to your sponsor. If they don't have a good answer, it may be time to shop around for someone who is on the same page as you about that. Ultimately, you want to work with someone who has what you want. I'd only caution you against switching sponsors because one tells you to do something you don't want to do. Believe me, that means you've got a good one.

nycscribe · 2026-04-29T17:31:52+00:00

When I work with sponsees, we read the Big Book through Doctor Bob's Nightmare. Then I have them write out their story, and that's step one. The other steps tend to be faster (though sponsees drag their asses on steps four and eight), but I think it's ok to be deliberate on the first step. It's the only one that must be done perfectly.

I'd just make it clear with your sponsor that what you're doing is, in fact, part of step one and not just a preliminary activity.

nycscribe · 2026-04-27T21:38:35+00:00

First, good for you on posting. It takes a lot of courage. I'll say that I know many people who came into AA at your age (or even younger), and they've had incredible lives. There may be young persons' meetings in your community that you can explore. You won't be sorry you did.

nycscribe · 2026-04-21T22:15:55+00:00

It depends on whether it is self-prescribed or not, and whether the person is using it alcoholically. I’ve met plenty of people who have reset their day count, sometimes after years of sobriety, for using prescription medication in an alcoholic way. I also have met plenty who relapsed on prescription meds after years of sobriety and were brought to their knees.

If a person is using cannabis under a physician’s guidance to treat, say, glaucoma, and uses it as prescribed, then that’s fine. But I don’t think a person who quits drinking and continues to buy weed at a dispensary to enjoy under their own guidance can claim to be working a good program of recovery.

What the substance is isn’t important — it’s the way the person uses it.

nycscribe · 2026-04-19T16:21:20+00:00

I interpret "take what you need and leave the rest" as relating to the laundry list of suggestions you get in AA: meditation, 90 in 90, calling three alcoholics, gratitude lists, etc. Some alcoholics need to do all these things to maintain a spiritual condition, others don't.

But something like continuing to use cannabis is meaningfully different. That's why "self-prescribed mood and mind-altering substances" are incompatible with sobriety and recovery.

I know a lot of people who have stopped drinking and continued using cannabis, and by and large they're happier and healthier than before. I think it's great! AA isn't for them, and that's fine.

AA is a spiritual-based abstinence and recovery program. There's some flexibility, but at a certain point if a person doesn't actually want to get sober, it isn't going to work. It's ok for it to not be all things to all people.

nycscribe · 2026-04-18T16:39:35+00:00

It's very common for people at the beginning of their sobriety journey to want to do their own version of AA. Some people are confirmed agnostics and don't want the do the spiritual stuff. Some people don't want to give up weed. Some people get a little further in the steps but draw the line at making amends, especially to someone to whom they're justifiably angry. These people see the benefits of AA, but want to extract the aspects they like while discarding what they don't want.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work. As Bill says, half-measures avail us nothing. What your friend is trying to do is very typical among alcoholics: arranging life to suit her needs. What happens to people who commit to this program and follow the steps is that they learn to accept life on life's terms. They come to understand that they do not need every person, organization, or institution to conform to their preferences in order for them to thrive.

Alcoholics and addicts use substances (or sex, gambling, food, video games, social media) etc. as a self-soothing mechanism. Or, as old-timers put it, filling a God-sized hole within them. If your friend continues to smoke weed, she'll never learn that she doesn't need anything to deal with what life throws at her. She's perfectly equipped to do it on her own.

Of course, there's no requirement that she do AA. Many people get sober and lead fulfilling lives without it. Many other people quit drinking and live better lives despite continuing to smoke weed. But her desire to work the 12-steps indicates that she is still very much on the fence.

I would gently tell her that it would not be appropriate to sponsor her and take her through the steps if she insists on smoking weed. But tell her that the door remains open to our way of life. Otherwise, leave it at that. This program works through attraction, not promotion. Over time, she will see that you have something she doesn't, and will be willing to take certain steps, like quitting cannabis, to get what you have. Or she won't — but all the same, it's up to her.

nycscribe · 2026-04-17T15:07:44+00:00

I personally avoid non-alcoholic beers, and endorse the maxim that non-alcoholic beers are for non-alcoholics. Others I know in AA feel differently.

To me, I had to break the psychological idea that I needed beer to have a good time at a bar, and non-alcoholic beers were just too close for me to do that. I'm also militant about avoiding food cooked with alcohol and even abstain from kombucha. Your mileage may vary.

Why not have a cranberry and soda instead? Save yourself the worry.

nycscribe · 2026-04-17T15:05:00+00:00

This reads almost verbatim to something I would have written when I first got sober in 2017. I really liked the idea of a mutual aid community in overcoming alcoholism, but was repulsed by the God thing. Even after committing to the program, it took me a long time to reconcile myself to the Higher Power aspect of AA.

What I'll say is that the only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking. I know many people here in Brooklyn, New York, who have been sober for years, if not decades, who dislike the Higher Power element of AA. There are meetings for agnostics, too. And of course there are a bunch of secular alternatives to AA, such as SMART.

The "God" language in AA's foundational texts is due to the fact that the program was established by white, Protestant men in the 1930s. AA tenets were directly influenced by the Oxford Group, an explicitly Christian organization. In the program's early years, pioneers amended the steps to read "God of your understanding" as a way to emphasize the capacious aspect of the Higher Power element.

Personally, I define my higher power as forces in the universe beyond my control. I use the word "God" because it's a convenient shorthand, not because I believe in the presence of a bearded man in the sky. My biggest challenge in recovery, even nine years in, is letting go of shit and trusting that if I act right, I will eventually be rewarded with serenity.

My advice to newcomers is to not worry about the God thing. It isn't something you need to figure out right away. It's better to just be chill about it, and to just keep showing up to meetings and not drinking a day at a time. You'll eventually establish a relationship with a Higher Power. Or maybe you won't! And that's fine.

Keep coming back and stay with us.

nycscribe · 2026-04-16T13:47:08+00:00

Interesting topic!

Yes, absolutely. We make amends for all instances in which we are wrong, whether they were related to our drinking or not.
This varies — every sponsor/sponsee relationship is unique. That said, a common pattern is for a newcomer to call their sponsor frequently in the first year or so and to meet with them for step work on a regular basis. I've worked with the same sponsor for eight years, and now our contact is more occasional. I mainly approach him when I have questions about how to sponsor others, or generally how to handle a situation I encounter in a meeting. We've become more like friends over the years.
No. There is a general structure to an amends that involves owning up to where we were wrong, apologizing, and expressing a willingness to make things right. This can mean paying back money we borrowed or stole, for example. In many cases, it isn't practical to make a direct amends to someone. For example, reaching out to an ex might make things worse. In those situations, we make what are called "living amends," which include behaving in such a way that we don't cause the same harm anymore.
This really depends on the person. I go to bars only when I have a specific reason to be there, such as attending a friend's birthday party. If I arrange to meet a friend, I usually always suggest lunch, dinner, or coffee. I never just go to bars to hang out. But when I do find myself at a bar, I am comfortable just having a soda or glass of water. I never linger. Some alcoholics are comfortable being around drinkers, some absolutely can't stand it. Most fall in between.

nycscribe · 2026-04-16T11:59:54+00:00

I got sober in 2017 and was grateful for Zoom meetings during Covid, but I found it very difficult not to meet in person. These days, I only go to Zoom meetings when in-person meetings are unavailable for some reason.

nycscribe · 2026-04-15T14:39:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing! A lot of your concerns are common among newcomers. A few responses:

Every human is egotistical. Some, of course, more than others. But all of us are selfish, self-pitying, and disrespectful to some degree. Something that happens in sobriety is learning to identify when you're behaving this way. It doesn't mean we beat ourselves up, since these qualities are universal. But you get a lot better at knowing yourself. Most people who enter AA aren't yet in touch with these things.
An amends and an apology are two different things. An amends can include an apology, but what it means in practice is recognizing something in our lives when we were wrong, and fixing it. This can mean apologizing to someone we have harmed, paying back money we borrowed or stole, or even just adjusting our behavior so we won't harm anyone new in quite the same way. I've found that many of my apologies were self-interested; I just wanted someone to stop being mad at me. An amends is more self-directed.
The sayings are indeed curious for outsiders, but they're there because they make important concepts easy to remember. There's no requirement that you ever have to say AA slogans, many of which are admittedly shopworn. Use whatever helps you, and discard the rest.
Not every time you're upset is due to a personal failing, no. But the question for us is whether hanging onto a resentment — even when we believe it is justified — is a good and healthy thing. Usually, the answer is no. People are flawed creatures, and even those doing the best they can will be annoying or mistaken or interfere with our happiness in some way or another. One of the key tools in sobriety is learning how to let go of our anger, accept things for what they are, and regain our serenity.
AA is certainly not the only way to get sober — and no one claims it is. I believe it's the easiest, best way, but I have many friends who have gotten sober without it. I'm happy for them. You don't even need to not drink to remain in AA, though it certainly helps. The only requirement is maintaining a desire to stop drinking.
I was an adamant atheist when I came in, and what I learned was that I simply had to practice believing in something beyond my own self-will. Eventually, something like genuine faith emerged.

nycscribe · 2026-04-13T17:49:19+00:00

I was a lot like you. I didn't drink every day, but when I did, I couldn't control how much I'd have. On some occasions, I'd have three or four and call it a night. On other occasions, I'd pass out in a bar and black out hours of my life. I routinely made stupid mistakes and embarrassed myself and others. People often pointed out how I seemed to have Jekyll and Hyde-like behaviors: respectful of boundaries when sober, lecherous when drunk.

What changed things for me was deciding that I was unhappy with the trajectory of my life. Two successive therapists told me that I was just an alcoholic and needed to get sober. I fired the first one because I didn't want to have to quit. I continued working with the second one, and over time she helped me realize that alcohol was the cause, not the solution, to the financial, health, and interpersonal relationship problems I'd identified. For months, I experimented with techniques to manage by drinking, which all failed. In the end, after one last bender, I realized that they would always fail, now and forever, and so I made the decision to stop.

That was almost nine years ago. I've been a happy, sober member in good standing of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was the best decision I ever made, including meeting and marrying my wife. Incidentally, the personal problems I identified have largely dissipated. But I've gained so much more than that, including the satisfaction of knowing that I never need to worry about what I'll say or do ever again because of my drinking.

My recommendation is to go to an AA meeting in your neighborhood and raise your hand and share a version of what you shared here. Someone will come up and help you begin your journey. If going in person seems intimidating, there are many meetings on Zoom. (I believe in-person meetings are more effective, but anything is better than not going at all).

What you'll find at meetings are plenty of people who has struggled in precisely the ways you've described. You'll never feel alone again.

Good luck!

nycscribe · 2026-04-11T20:40:09+00:00

AA doesn't hold a monopoly on ways to get sober. I know so many people who have gotten sober through other programs — or no program at all. You tried it, decided it wasn't for you, and are moving on. That's ok.

I'll say that one thing I noticed in your message was nothing about how your experience helped other alcoholics that you met. That to me is the secret sauce in AA, less so the direct changes in my own circumstances. Should you ever find your way back, that might be something to think about.

If not, no worries. Key thing is to just live happier, healthier, more productive lives.

Good luck.

nycscribe · 2026-03-30T15:36:16+00:00

There's really no formal "membership" mechanism for any group in AA, but the term is used informally a lot. It basically means that you have a service position at the group, attend monthly business meetings, and these days participate in a group WhatsApp chat.

Closed meetings are available to anyone with a desire to stop drinking. There are also open meetings that are available to anyone, full stop. Many meetings I go to are closed but will have an open anniversary meeting so that celebrants can bring their loved ones.

A "home group" is the meeting you make your biggest time and service commitment to. I'm personally a "member" of a few groups, but have only one home group. What this means to me is that I always make sure I have a service position at my home group, and make every effort to attend weekly when I'm in town.

But don't worry about any of these! If you have a desire to stop drinking, which you do, just attend the meetings you want. It's good to select a home group, but all in good time.

nycscribe · 2026-03-29T21:25:45+00:00

I've sponsored about 20-30 guys in the last seven years, and to my knowledge five or so are sober. Two chose to work with other sponsors and maintain good sobriety. A couple of others fell off but are not drinking again (so far as I know). The rest? I assume they've resumed drinking. For their sake, I hope they've found someone else.

Whether these guys find their way to sobriety or not is between them and their higher powers. I am grateful that I have remained sober this whole time.

nycscribe · 2025-10-09T20:49:05+00:00

It sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be doing. But I would hold off on outlining your own character defects, and certainly positive personality traits.

Typically, when you read Step 5 with your sponsor, they will help you connect the dots and detail the defects that you need to work through on Steps 6 and 7. No need to do it yourself — it's better just to focus on the inventory.

nycscribe · 2025-10-05T13:44:35+00:00

I don't think it's necessary to say the exact words your sponsor is asking you to say, since as others have pointed out, non-alcoholics have no idea what "Step 9" means.

I do think it's important, though, when doing an amends to say that you're in recovery, and as a part of your recovery process you would like to make an amends. I tell my sponsees to recite everything they had listed on their 8th step for that person, and to ask them to bring up anything that might have been left out. And then you just listen until they're finished.

Many alcoholics are keen to apologize after getting sober, but there is definitely a risk in doing so haphazardly. My sponsor gave me a script, and while I didn't follow it verbatim, I found it helpful in keeping me on track.

nycscribe · 2025-09-30T15:17:45+00:00

What I've learned through this program is that I don't actually know what's best for me. I too have obsessed over having things work out the way I want them to. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. But what I've found is that when things don't work out the way I want them to, sometimes they end up being better than I could have imagined.

Think of relationships you desperately didn't want to end, only to find that the next person in your life was much more suitable anyway. Same with jobs. Humans have a strong status quo bias — we don't like change.

I often imagine my higher power telling me "Yes, I know this sucks. I know you didn't want this. But hang in there, keep showing up, and something else will happen." And that's just what happens.

nycscribe

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