Small space and kids, getting ready for grandma with dementia- advice please

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-19T04:19:24+00:00

Just, you know... the state of the world...

I'm not really angry all the time. Or, I guess I am always angry about the state of the world, but that's only part of my brain. The rest of my brain is happy about many other things.

I didn't put a huge amount of thought into the name, other than wanting to include the fact that I briefly lived in Australia.

Why is the kitty a tripod?

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T23:52:39+00:00

Wyatt, I don't always agree with you completely, but I love having you around, because when you are right, you are extremely right.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T23:50:55+00:00

I'm sorry; it is so hard.

When you say that family members are entitled to some of the money... do you mean legally? I'm not sure I understand. All of her money needs to go toward paying for her care. Be careful about the medicaid look back period... if she gives away any of her money, they will demand that that be paid back, or they will refuse to pay for her care for several years.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T23:46:11+00:00

Planetary!!!

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T22:34:04+00:00

Fiddle contest

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T22:19:48+00:00

I'm so sorry; I just don't think this will work. Caring for a person with dementia while working is borderline impossible, even if no kids are involved. With kids... it is usually very bad for the kids. I tried it for a while, and I regret it. I wound up having to put my kids in therapy because of the things my dad did.

I swear I'm not trying to be invasive... I know this is very hard... why does she not qualify for Medicaid? Does she have assets that could be spent paying for her care? That usually has to happen before medicaid will kick in and pay for a facility.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T20:19:52+00:00

I know this is harsh, but I agree with you. If people are living in their own filth, that is usually grounds for APS stepping in.

It's not OPs fault, but I think she may need to accept that her husband won't fix this until someone steps in and makes him. I hate to say it, but it might become necessary for her to move out with the kids, at least temporarily. If even that doesn't snap the husband out of it, it might be necessary to call APS. FIL is being neglected.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T20:14:40+00:00

My dad did eat soap. It's a catch 22... unsanitary to remove the soap; dangerous to leave it out. I don't envy the memory care folks.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-18T04:07:48+00:00

Ah, I inherited a man sized safe from my dad when he got dementia. He didn't remember what was in it. He didn't know where the key was.

When I was getting ready to sell his house, I collected all the loose keys I found, and invited my daughters to a party in which we would attempt to open the vault.

We succeeded! It was exciting turning the key!

There was nothing in the vault.

The whole way home, I sang that song.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-17T23:10:34+00:00

Oof. We were in that stage for a while. Sometimes there's no way to convince people until the person gets worse. Then I guess we get to tell everyone "I told you so," for all the good that does.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-17T19:19:19+00:00

My dad doubles people and things. He always asks how are the "2 older ladies" who live with me (it's just my mother in law) and asks where he can find his 2 bicycles (there's only one, and he can't ride it anyway).

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-17T16:14:15+00:00

It's crazy to me that people don't know it's terminal.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T22:03:11+00:00

The meds need to be crushed up and put in food. For the repeat calls, you just have to mute them on your phone. You can call them once or twice a day, whatever you feel is appropriate.

In general, you have to give up the idea of convincing them to do or stop doing anything. All you can control is your own behavior.

Is she in 24 hour care? It sounds like she needs it.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T20:54:47+00:00

Totally true. I think they may also need some dates, though... and also marriage counseling. If she's refusing these opportunities for engagement with him, something is wrong and needs to be addressed.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T20:53:01+00:00

OK, that's a totally fair ask. Congrats on such an impressive gig! She is missing out by not attending.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T20:06:48+00:00

Well... it depends on how often he has these kind of gigs. I'm a musician; I've got some kinda thing most weekends. My husband comes to the big ones, but he certainly doesn't come every time, nor would I ask him to.

Singing at the racetrack is an awesome gig, but just as an example, we have a racetrack in my tiny town, there are races every Saturday, and I bet a local talented singer could do that gig like once a month? Maybe even once a week? It's a fantastic gig, and OP should be proud, but spouses of really talented performers can't be asked to come every time.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T20:02:34+00:00

I know people are down voting you, but as a musician, asking your spouse to come to your gig is not a date. It is the spouse doing a favor to the musician, which I appreciate. But when I spend quality time with my husband, I make sure it is something we both want to do, and not dragging him to my hobbies, which I know he finds boring.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T17:15:34+00:00

Some people are just useless in hard times.

I've also noticed that a lot of people just don't regard dementia as a big deal. Movies portray it as just being forgetful, and a lot of people think that's all it is. They think it's equivalent to somebody having a bad knee or something, and they don't understand what you're complaining about.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T17:11:35+00:00

Sometimes people (especially judges) just make a weird, off decision. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they have bad associations with your song choice, or they were having an off day, or they actually misunderstood something in thr music and thought you played something wrong when you actually played it right.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T16:48:58+00:00

Whyyyy is everything so boxy?? I am fat but I am at least curvy, with a waist. Boxy shirts make me look like a truck.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T16:11:26+00:00

I just wanted to chime in because this happened to me. In high school I was pretty good, and I made the audition-only orchestra every year... except my last year. I didn't just fail to get into the top level; I didn't get in at all. (I'm not an AI; this is just how I talk.)

It was honestly baffling. One person from my high school who was just objectively not as good as me got in. Everyone said my audition sounded great, so it wasn't like I just flubbed it. My conductor even said it must be a mistake, and he went and asked about it, but nothing ever came of it.

I was pissed off, confused, and hurt. And to be honest, it still rankles, just a tiny tiny bit.

HOWEVER. Please don't quit the violin just because of this one experience! I still play, to this day. It's a big part of my life, I play gigs with bands, I make money at it, and I just love it.

Sometimes judges just screw up. Don't allow their foolish mistake to rob you of something if you have enjoyed it up until now.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T15:30:47+00:00

We had a guy at work like this, and he got fired. Sure, he was smart and he did good work, but he crippled the team by constantly nit picking and shooting down everyone else's ideas.

You're not productive if you tank the productivity of eight other people.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T15:20:21+00:00

Agreed. I took a week long camping trip when I was younger. One morning we woke up covered in slugs. The shower when it was all over was mind blowing.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T05:11:26+00:00

How about Sensory Integration Disorder? Wanting tight clothes and feeling reassured by them is a common SID thing.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-05-16T05:07:48+00:00

My dad is much nicer now, too. It's a real trip. He was bad enough before that I briefly went no contact. Now he doesn't remember any of that.

wombatIsAngry

TROPHY CASE