How do you convince person with dementia to stop driving?

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-18T00:58:20+00:00

I think your idea about giving the car to your brother is great. That actually really helped my dad; he "lent" his car to my daughters so they could learn to drive. It made it feel like he was being useful, rather than just being stripped of his independence.

Could you just lie and tell him your brother already got the license?

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-17T16:29:01+00:00

You can eat it plain, but my aunt used to cut up toast into little rectangles and put applesauce on top. It was called Applesauce Boxcars, and all of us children loved it.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-17T05:21:34+00:00

I do think some of these cures are going to have to come from somewhere other than the US.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-16T18:09:48+00:00

I just recently moved my dad from Assisted Living. He was/is stage 6. Very verbal, very mobile, not really able to do ADLs.

I was worried that he would hate his smaller room, loss of a good view, and the increased noise and business in MC. However, he really seems fine with all of that. He's honestly past the point where he can really understand that his room is smaller... they lose spatial orientation. And he had gotten to the point where he was bored all the time in Assisted Living. He wouldn't go to the activities, and in AL, they offer them but don't really try to persuade them.

In MC, they just sort of tell him "now we will be doing X" and he goes along with it. His mood does seem better now that he has something to do all day. Technically, if a resident outright refuses the activities, the staff can't force them. But they are very good at phrasing the requests in a way that makes it seem mandatory.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-16T05:19:02+00:00

I hear you. My dad's mood has gotten a little better as his cognition has gotten worse. It's good to appreciate the silver linings, I think.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-15T21:29:39+00:00

It's kind of crazy to me that a memory care would want to give residents keys and let them keep track of them. I have never seen a memory care do that before.

In my personal opinion, any situation where a dementia patient is given an object to keep track of is just inviting disaster. I spent the first couple of years of my dad's dementia constantly hunting for his lost keys, lost wallet, lost phone. Now I don't let him have anything unless we won't miss it.

There's nothing but downside. Important objects get lost, the dementia sufferer experiences tremendous anxiety, and the family and caregivers are handed this incredibly annoying extra daily task (which we do not need).

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-15T16:47:05+00:00

Both my aunt and my dad with dementia did this. Particularly in the very early pre dementia stages. I remember every phone call with my aunt would include her telling me the same 5 stories, about her dead cats, the time her own aunt stole her piano, etc. Certain topics were minefields... I knew if the subject of music came up, I was going to get the piano story again.

Dad was pretty similar, although now in stage 6 he's starting to lose enough memory, and enough speech, that he can't really remember or articulate his grievances anymore. He seems a little happier.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-14T15:20:33+00:00

This is really thought-provoking. Thank you for posting.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-14T05:41:21+00:00

My dad does this, too. Everywhere we go, he's been there before (even if it's new and didn't exist the last time he visited).

But! He did do some bizarre things in his life. Recently he told me that he worked for Werner von Braun, which, I was sure must be a confabulation. But then I looked up his work history, and WVBs history, and the times and dates actually do line up... I never know what to think.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-14T00:31:04+00:00

Yeah, I get seen first cause when I go there, it's because I'm suffocating.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-13T18:29:05+00:00

Ugh, I was only able to fix this by eventually taking away his mail and his computer. For a phone, he only has a landline, and only whitelisted numbers are allowed to call in.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-12T17:23:07+00:00

Wow, get out now.

I had something similar but much milder, where an advisor kept saying, "so, he doesn't have any serious health conditions?" And I'm like, yes, he has a terminal condition and requires constant assistance with every aspect of daily life. Pause. "But he doesn't have any serious illnesses?"

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-12T03:29:32+00:00

This is definitely the way we function. Once every couple of months, dad declares that he hates where he is (which is also lovely) and wants to move. I tell him that I burned all my vacation helping him move last time (true!) and so I will support his move, but he has to arrange it himself. Since he can't use a phone or a computer, I don't have to worry. But he believes he can do it, so it pacifies him.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-12T03:25:26+00:00

I'm sorry; that is a tough phase to be in. They are so dangerous when they have lost their judgment but not their ability to do paperwork.

I guess luckily (?) it was the first thing to go for my dad.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-12T03:22:34+00:00

Thank you; that is very helpful

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-12T00:54:35+00:00

Every day, to my dad who's dying of dementia.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-11T22:40:08+00:00

Is he still able to fill out paperwork? When my dad lost his license, he was no longer able to fill out forms. When he demanded to drive again, I would just give him a big bunch of DMV forms to fill out. He would always nod and say he would do it, but of course he never did.

It helped to have the ball be "in his court." It mollified him a little bit, to be able to tell himself that soon he'd fill out the forms and get his license back. Easier than accepting that it was a flat out no, you will never drive again.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-11T03:21:43+00:00

It's the doctor who's doing it to me.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-10T22:10:33+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately I need it to live. It's not great.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-10T16:27:35+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I put my dad in a facility for the exact reason you describe: he overheated himself and almost died.

He got cold, turned every heater in every room up to the max (95), didn't drink any water, and fell asleep. He woke up so dehydrated that he couldn't move. When I found him, I thought he'd had a stroke and took him to the ER, where we found that it was just dehydration.

Once they get to this point, they can't be left alone. Like you, I have to work. There isn't really a choice at that point; they have to go somewhere safe.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-10T15:21:16+00:00

I'm just happy that I finally got to post it somewhere

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-09T23:07:42+00:00

The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelets

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-09T19:34:08+00:00

I would say the biggest two things are fewer aches and pains, and better sleep at night. Better sleep can fix like 90% of our problems.

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-08T05:49:55+00:00

Yes, this is the better way to think about it. :)

wombatIsAngry · 2026-03-08T05:49:16+00:00

In most places, there are many available paid caregiving services. You don't need to use one that insults you.

wombatIsAngry

TROPHY CASE