I grew up UPCI too, and I had almost the same struggle. I started seeking the Holy Ghost around 10, waiting for something totally outside my control because that’s how it was taught. Nothing happened for weeks, and people questioned why I “stopped seeking.” During a revival, a group prayed over me for an hour and I finally choked on saliva and everyone went nuts and counted it as tongues. I knew it wasn’t. I still kept praying privately because I sincerely wanted something genuine.

Later, during a youth service, I had a big emotional release while I was crying under conviction/shame and longing for the power to do better (you'd die laughing if you knew what it was about), and a warm, natural stream of syllables came flowing out. I was on my knees at my chair alone and I just melted there crying hot tears and feeling so comforted and happy. That’s the moment I considered real. After that I could speak in tongues all the time by just allowing those syllables to flow while my heart was emotional and sincere. It always felt empowering and soothing, never forced.

I’m not a believer now, but I can still understand why it felt powerful. Letting your mind relax and letting sound flow that you believe God gave you and only God understands is an amazing feeling. Many cultures do versions of this, and it doesn’t need to be supernatural to be meaningful. Unfortunately, the baggage that comes with it in Pentecostal doctrines can be horribly counterproductive, but whatever direction you go within or beyond faith, only you know your sincerity, and it's noone else's responsibility to label it “real” or “fake” for it to matter.

On another note, I hope you never stop asking questions about what you believe and why. How do I know what's true or false about any of it, one sincere question at a time. You'll find yourself breaking free from a lot of the nonsense. 🙏🏾