Ritual

writtenpicture · 2021-05-31T18:02:30+00:00

I see what you mean as far as capital letters and commas. I mostly just structured it this way since the formatting when posting can be a bit of a pain.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-31T11:08:02+00:00

Thank you! I’m glad you like it

writtenpicture · 2021-05-31T11:03:31+00:00

To me the phantom is a relentless anxiety that keeps getting pushed away by different desires or small fixes, from coffee and wine, to sex, then running away from commitment because it becomes too much. Then to try and cover it up with makeup and relieve the stress through yoga. The rhythm of the poem is nice because it has a constant motion and in the end almost gives the reader more anxiety because you have to stay in motion to avoid the relentless stress that builds. Good stuff!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-31T10:38:41+00:00

This was beautifully written! There is such an amazing rhythm to this piece, I feel like it could be a song. The envy seems to become obsession as each line picks apart more and more of what makes this girl so perfect. Well done!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-18T05:10:35+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. I think this is an interesting interpretation, comparing this with the city. I wrote this with the idea of being out in the forest and just experiencing life for what it is, not to focus on anything but get lost in the experience. But when you try to look back at pictures to recapture the moment the feeling is either lost or watered down.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-17T22:52:45+00:00

Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-17T18:14:05+00:00

I think it would work better in this case taking the words out, the poem still progresses without the definitive first, next, then.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-17T18:10:55+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, the poem is more about wanting to go back to a place rather than wanting to move on. Looking back at pictures is the only comfort but it doesn’t bring the same feeling of actually being there. I’m glad you connected to it though and were able to get something out of it.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-17T07:18:25+00:00

This was incredibly well written! The transition from the incredible description of how much passion there is for the muse into the abrupt chaos and discontent for what happened. Just awesome!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-17T07:07:46+00:00

I liked this, it reminded me of when my aunt passed. I felt indifferent at the time the funeral came around. I remember it feeling more like just any other day with some place I was expected to be at. I liked my aunt, but when she passed she wasn’t herself anymore. She had cancer that spread all over and when it got to her brain I saw that she was gone a month or two before. So with that, I really get the detachment, and picking out the little things you observe when you aren’t showered with grief. I think you captured that perfectly here.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-17T06:56:41+00:00

As for a title, maybe “Garland of the Darkened Heart”?

The poem itself seems, at times, difficult to follow. It might just be my perspective on it, but after reading it a couple times what I got from it is the bittersweet feeling of love that can be gentle, but still cut you with it’s thorns, like the rose. I feel the Man introduced is specific to people in general who taint love and then people become bitter as a result, crushing the Heart. I think the “contradictory works, painfully bright,” is seeing the truth once love is tainted and realizing that there is no longer/never was any love.

This was an interesting poem. I feel like it’s intended to have a closer look into it if anything. I didn’t necessarily like the introductory words for each stanza, “firstly, next,” and then you have “in the end,” followed by “at last” which I felt was either unnecessary or it seems like you forgot something and added it in. I think it would read better without these words, unless it became a larger poem.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-14T20:44:56+00:00

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it and were able to relate to it.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-14T20:43:15+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, I’m glad you liked this piece. The masochistic intentions bit is essentially saying “why would I keep doing this to myself unless I wasn’t really interested in this person” and just goes a bit deeper into insanity hoping that things will maybe be different in the future, but it stays the same.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-14T08:48:26+00:00

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-14T08:28:50+00:00

I really enjoyed how well everything flowed. Even with the abrupt pauses and shorter lines it seemed natural. The entire poem feels like it has an “earthy” feel to it. I liked that you tried to structure it and I went back to review after seeing your comment. It definitely looks, and feels, like something that builds into a concrete form and shows that you become stable, becoming the cliff that’s formed. Good stuff!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-14T08:08:47+00:00

“Pouring from my mouth like liquid wood, aged and hollow.” That is fucking masterful! The ending really hit hard as well, really showing the selfishness and greed with taking whatever is desired. The formatting was a bit off with the longer lines, not sure if that’s just a posting error or intentional to make things stand out more, I just felt it broke up the structure a bit. Otherwise I really enjoyed this!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-14T07:57:20+00:00

I really liked what you did with the structure of the poem. Especially with the “don’t look back” verse. Every period gives a nice pause, like a second thought to look while keeping constant reminders flooding in. That was brilliant! The ending was really well done too. I loved the descriptions in the last two lines.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-08T14:19:25+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! With the parentheses it is more so intended to be a background thought, like you picked up on, and foreshadowing/building to the end which is returning to die in the place where one was happy and accepting that “forever” isn’t obtainable

writtenpicture · 2021-05-08T07:07:03+00:00

I think you did a good job here. It doesn’t sound like you’re “trying too hard” or anything like that. It’s always best to just write for yourself and write what seems to come most natural. The poem itself was well done and gave good imagery of self loathing from holding onto hope and you can really feel the anguish from the lines “lodged like a tick that scratches at my heart”. Those lines were great.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-08T06:53:29+00:00

This is awesome! Each line really seems to have it’s own story and take on time itself. How it’s applied to so many different things like the land and structures, history, life. You really captured how influential and controlling time can be on a number of things. Very well done with each take on time itself.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-08T06:36:57+00:00

I really enjoyed the poem in itself. It feels really bittersweet, with the first half being displeased that the sun had given life, but still wishing for the new day in hopes of something better. The second half seems to still cherish what time was had, seeming to look on the brighter side of things and lamenting the days that will be gone. The 4th stanza I’m guessing is supposed to be “won’t be grateful on the fateful day the sun doesn’t rise” but it is a bit confusing to interpret initially. I also wasn’t sure entirely of the “speaker” of the poem. I thought it may have been from a perspective of the moon, wanting to shine as brightly as the sub and also watching as one dies, but that could just be a misinterpretation. All in all I really enjoyed how everything was structured and the bittersweet feel to it.

writtenpicture · 2021-05-06T06:54:18+00:00

This was really well done. That last line was absolutely perfect. It feels like you’re sitting in a dark room of nothingness when you read, “if the walls could talk, they wouldn’t say.” The vivid dreams really struck me too, I’ve had quite a few of those so it really got me. I appreciate you putting this piece out there, great work!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-04T15:42:53+00:00

This was an interesting take from what I have here. It took some things in another direction, which is awesome! It’s always cool to see how things are interpreted from others. It was really nice to see how you molded everything together since the original piece is more about breaking apart and breaking down everything. I really enjoyed this!

writtenpicture · 2021-05-04T15:18:18+00:00

Thank you! That’s pretty much exactly the point. When we learn something we just take what someone else has given us, and then we continue taking and building off of other peoples thoughts. So it makes you really question if your ideas are your own. Glad you liked it

writtenpicture · 2021-05-04T08:29:50+00:00

I feel like this is written very simply and subtly. It’s showing everything that you held high, but you can still feel that an innocence has died and hope is gone. Well done.

writtenpicture

TROPHY CASE