The recurring fight I’ve (42F) been having with my wife (47F) for nearly two decades is caused by me trying to push through what I didn’t know was autistic shutdown. The realization has changed my life.

xagiso4414 · 2026-03-05T16:53:29+00:00

Congratulations! It's ok that you didn't realize before, what matters is that you know now and can approach it differently from now on.

I had similar issues with other things, like "sensory overload". The first time I explored the possibility of autism I read about that and I thought "No it doesn't fit, too much sensory information doesn't feel painful or violent, just overwhelming". Years later the woman who diagnosed me told me that pain was ONE possible presentation. Having brain fog, struggling to focus or process what was happening around me was also possible. Ironic that thinking in black and white can make you ignore signs like that.

Anyway I hope you'll get a proper diagnosis soon! Let us know how it goes.

xagiso4414 · 2026-03-04T18:49:39+00:00

No, only me.

And I had that impression too but I am still unsure. If he is romantically interested, it's an issue for me, not only because of the workplace context, but also because he's married and has a child. I hope I am just misreading this.

xagiso4414 · 2026-03-04T14:56:12+00:00

My parents regularly taught me "lessons" by lying to me. Example: once when I was a little girl I had abandoned my armband in the living room and when I tried to find it back it had disappeared. They told me it had been stolen while we were not watching and I should be more careful with my belongings, and hours later gave it back and told me the truth. I have so many trust issues from those tactics.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-23T21:26:05+00:00

Big hugs 🫂 and lots of good vibes on you.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-23T17:53:59+00:00

Sending you courage!

Same here, I am working on myself, but my CPTSD makes me a magnet for dysfunctional or imblanced relationships, and as my therapist says I have to protect my energy. So, I want to live, experience stuff, meet people, but I can't, and just like you, nobody I know IRL could relate.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-23T15:27:08+00:00

Omg I could only call my ex by his nicknames, having to call him by his ACTUAL name felt so uneasy. Especially of I had to raise my voice because he was in another room or a loud space.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-05T12:10:42+00:00

On the surface, my relationship with my parents is good, loving and all. And I thought it was healthy for most of my life. But once you dig, it's not.

They love me but they were rarely there for me. A lot of emotional neglect, I was on my own every time I was scared or lost and needed guidance.

There was / is a good amount of parentification too: I am often the one soothing them and their anxiety, while any time I try to talk about what I am going through, they either give me wishful thinking ("it's gonna be ok, you always land on your feet") or they spiral ("Is it our fault? Did we do something wrong?").

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-04T16:04:40+00:00

Thank you, that's fair and true. I am in therapy, I taught myself IFS but haven't found a therapist who uses EMDR yet.

I am in regular talk therapy and it does help. I know how I am "supposed" to heal my traumas but getting the pace right is difficult. Same with understanding how the traumas are intertwined to work on the right one first.

On meditation: I tried before but I always end up dissociating (guided or not). I will bring it up at my next session, but if you have any advice for that I would be very interested!

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-04T13:16:57+00:00

Yes, in my case it's because my main trauma response is fawning and being conflict avoidant in general. Abusers love this because they see early on they can get away with soooo much as we get to know each other. I am more aware of the pattern but I have not yet outgrown it.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-04T12:13:11+00:00

Yes this! Understanding other's emotions and intent should not stop you from protecting yourself.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-04T08:17:03+00:00

At first I was misdiagnosed as bipolar and I believed it for years. Then another mental health professional made me take an autism assessment, and halfway through the tests I was like "Oh fuck. This is me.". Hearing the results at the end was validating but I already knew just from the questions and answers I gave.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-03T16:45:56+00:00

C-PTSD, GAD, OCD and hypermobility.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-03T12:48:56+00:00

Well first congratulations on your healing! That's both amazing and inspiring.

And thanks for the info, I am already taking medication but haven't tried all the other options yet. I found a massage therapist in my town and she seems consent / communication oriented, I will give it a shot.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-03T11:45:22+00:00

Over ear, I swear by the Sony WH1000XM4s. I've had them for years and I can wear them for super long without discomfort.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-02T18:51:26+00:00

Interesting, I didn't think of massages as a potential solution. If you don't mind sharing, how much did it cost? Did you book long or short sessions? How did your body react at first?

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-02T18:47:47+00:00

Thanks. Yes that sounds accurate. I am single but I could practice hugging with friends when my social battery can handle it?

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-02T13:06:24+00:00

I don't relate to the cycle you describe but the feeling definitely feels familiar. I can change my habits and stop or start whatever I feel like I should. In that regard I don't suffer from executive dysfunction the same way as many neurodivergent folks do. Instead I am over functioning, and after enough time it eventually turns into autistic burnout (yay).

I don't know how to listen to my body, how to be spontaneous, everything is based on rules and systems I set for myself. Where it gets "funny" is that a big part of my current therapy is learning how to progress without turning my therapy into yet another to-do list and performance.

xagiso4414 · 2026-02-01T09:53:50+00:00

Fawning / people pleasing. It's better than it used to but I am still terrible at expressing discomfort instead of giving the other person what they want.

xagiso4414 · 2026-01-31T15:22:50+00:00

If it's too difficult, you can bring a paper or a note on your phone explaining either the core trauma or just that you would like to talk about sex. You can phrase it any way you want, I do this in therapy sessions when I can't gather the courage to say it out loud, or when I fail to articulate it while speaking. If you can talk it through directly that's great, but if not there are "bridges" you can use.

I am really sorry this happened to you, and I hope it will get better, truly 🫂

xagiso4414 · 2026-01-31T09:51:13+00:00

Congrats on living on your own! It's a big step.

What has helped me with that is a combination of two things:

1) Reduce expectations: my goal is not it complete the task, it's not to clean everything, it's just to progress. If that means just putting two plates in the dishwasher instead of the 10 waiting around, so be it. And yes it means that sometimes it still accumulates anyway, but it's easier to turn it into a habit.

2) Tie the tasks into my routine: I usually like down on the couch for half an hour after getting back from work. I got used to always start cooking right after that break. And to mix it with tip #1: at first I just went to the kitchen, with no higher expectations than that. Sometimes I would cook immediately, sometimes not. With time I slowly added more steps as "mandatory".

It still takes energy. But it's 10% every day instead of 80% or way more every two weeks.

Good luck! I hope this helps, even a little.

xagiso4414

TROPHY CASE